Phase 1: tie a lead weight to penis
Phase 2: ?????
Phase 3: Hung like horse

Phase 1: Be born in America

>>2
Phase 1: Be born in America
Phase 2: Moron puritans mutilate your dick
Phase 3: You vote for Bush

Phase 1: Be born in America
Phase 2: Moron puritans mutilate your dick
Phase 3: You vote for Bush
Phase 4: The underage pages in your office start to look irresistible

Phase 1: Be a girl.
Phase 2: Ignore Phase 1.
Phase 3: Follow the instructions on the box.
Phase 4: Throw out the box.
Phase 5: Apply LIBERALLY to the forehead.
Phase 6: Proofread.
Phase 7: Don't eat and cardboard or cardboard by-products for the next eight days.
Phase 8: Ask someone to check you penis and see if it's growing.
Phase 9: Proofread again.
Phase 10: Repeat phases 3 and 4.
Phase 11: Repeat phase 10.
Phase 12: Proofread a third time.
Phase 13: Take a moment to remember what you were doing, again.
Phase 14: Question whether it's really worth it.
Phase 15: Question whether ANYTHING is really worth it in the grand scheme of things.
Phase 16: Go into an existential phase for a period of no less than two months. Continue to refrain from eating cardboard.
Phase 17: Proofread one last time.
Phase 18: Post on DQN.
Phase 19: Have someone check your penis again.
Phase 20: Make your penis grow. (This is optional.)

Phase XX: Kill yourself D:

Phase 1: look at porn

Phase 1: Cut off penis
Phase 2: Plant your penis in the soil, prefably cleared of weeds
Phase 3: Water penis every 2-3days for four weeks
Phase 4: Reattach grown penis back onto crotch
Phase 5: ?????
Phase 6: Profit! Or you'll just have a dead, rotting penis on you.... Whatever.