I wrote a small story (4)

1 Name: Bookworm : 2009-06-20 17:42 ID:fLUyL8OG

Please let me know what you think of it.
(these are not historical figures they just set an appropriate atmosphere for the story to be told - I don't think Caesar would talk like that, nor accept being talked to like that by someone else)

The man entered the colosseum. At other end there was another slave,
bigger, and more muscular than him. Caesar was there, at the highest
point, above all else, entertaining himself and observing the
fight. As the fight started, the man avoided the bulky opponent and
cut the back of one of his kneecaps, disabling him from running. As
the opponent lost blood and faith in chasing the man, he sat there,
waiting to die. The man also sat, there was no reason to move for the
enemy is no longer a threat. Caesar was puzzled and annoyed by this
and having heard the crowd booing long enough, he commanded the man to
kill his opponent.

"Slave, you haven't yet won this fight. Kill your opponent and rest
until the next fight. Do so or you will both be tortured to death."

The slave replied

"Caesar, you advice me to embrace opportunism and take the route which
leads to the least pain for me. I would like to abide by your command,
and had I not noticed that you do not follow your own advice, I
certainly would. That is how a land and its inhabitats are commanded;
with opportunism in mind. When a leader is faced with multiple paths,
he must choose this which is most benefical for himself and his people
and not let any other factors complicate things in an unnecessary
manner. Yet here I am, an able man before a king, who prefers to have
me die than to exploit my abilities. I look at my opponent, and I
realize why he is here: it is only fighting he could do. That is why
you choose to use him this way. Caesar, let such men fight with other
men like them, and bring me closer to you, and let me talk to you
personally for your own benefit."

The crowd booed, even though they did not understand what the man
said; one thing they were certain for, that the man would soon be
tortured and killed. Caesar talked to those near him, and they
captured the man, while a new slave entered the colloseum, to finish
the wounded opponent.

The man and Caesar in the same room now. Caesar was guarded, like the
man, but there were no men except Caesar, the man and the guards in
the room - the man had asked to talk to Caesar personally, not in
presence of other men of high ranking. Caesar said,

"Now that you got what you asked for, tell me what you have to say."

The man replied, and only Caesar understood him, for the guards were
illiterate and not very bright. He said:

"Caesar, in this room there's a man who is very dangerous to you. Your
life is at stake, and you should take immediate action against
him. Wonder no more who this man might be, it is I, for the battle
which you witnessed me fighting was not a demonstartion of my
abilities but only a demonstration of my intelligence - I preferred to
kill my opponent in a way which only displays that I'm smart, but not
knowing of combat and how to fight. Had I fought otherwise, security
would be much tighter for me. But I was bluffing, Caesar, because I
can escape your guards and kill you before you alarm any of them, or
indeed, do anything in particular beyond talking to me. I have an
offer, let me leave and live, and I'll let you live and leave
this room. I will be of no further concern to you. Which will it be?"


2 Name: Bookworm : 2009-06-21 17:20 ID:6lRX7WS5

If it's not intended to be Caesar you shouldn't call him Caesar. Maybe 'the Caesar', or just 'the King'. You shouldn't need to explain anything before hand. In the same way, I don't think you should include the words "THE END" at the end. It should be obvious where the end of the story is, although it may not be in this case.

3 Name: Bookworm : 2009-06-22 00:03 ID:Heaven

Perhaps I'll call him king like you suggested, or roman king/emperor. The point of the story is not really to tell a story, but to be attractive and when the reader has read it and has reached the sudden end of the story, he's left imagining the rest, or parts before it, or himself involved in the story.

Would you say that my story succeeds at that? I read my story again and I don't like it. I think it's silly. At the time I wanted to write it though.

4 Name: Bookworm : 2009-06-22 23:25 ID:WDWMd0fQ


I don't think it's great, but I suppose it's successful.
I imagined the man being stabbed in the belly by Caesar himself, because the man has delusions of grandeur and really has no prowess in battle. The whole story was narrated by himself, in his head, with much exaggeration. As he dies, he laughs, choking on his own blood.

I suppose I must share something with that man, because at the same time I imagined myself to be Ceaser.

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