So I tried my hand at making spaghetti bolognese last night, and the result was very similar to the stuff I used to get in the cafeteria in 4th grade.

For this recipe, you need:

250g spaghetti
250g ground beef
500g tomato puree
1/2 onion, diced
lots of oil
1/2 cup milk
processed cheese food
cheapo italian seasoning blend
salt
ketchup
sauce thickener
Pepto Bismol

Boil the spaghetti in oversalted water. Fry the ground beef in more oil than is necessary. Add the onion and fry for another 4-5 minutes. Add the tomato puree and about 2 tbsp. ketchup. Stir and salt to taste. Add more salt. Add the milk and 2 tsp. sauce thickener. Mix in the spaghetti and garnish with processed cheese food. Serves four.

After eating, down half a bottle of Pepto Bismol, or face the worst heartburn you've ever had.