I've been centemplating ending my life for quite a while.
Diagnoised with major depression several years ago, having gone through the worst of it....Still things aren't getting any better.
A constructive lifestyle -- having a career, being able to socialize and make connections, etc. seems so unreal to me, something of a hikikomori who can't even hold on to old friendships.
For the last 2 months I've shut myself in this tiny apartment, occasionally going out to the nearby convenience store only to buy food and drink. I download anime but let most of the files pile up unwatched because even watching anime makes me tired.
I feel like I'm dying an excruciatingly slow death.
God knows when was the last time I felt healthy or happy.
Suicide is no stranger to me. I've cut my wrist twice. The second time it was a real deep cut. Just a little deeper it could've done permanent damage. Numerous overdoses of sleeping pills out of suicidal urges also. Alas, these methods simply aren't lethal at all.
Now, the most efficient way out of this misery seems to be jumping off the building. 8 floors should be high enough. It takes serious guts, though. Just a month ago I overdosed some tranquilizers and then walked up to the roof to see if I could overcome the fear, but somehow it didn't work.
If only I can get a gun, which unfortunately is almost impossible in this country, everything should be a whole lot easier....