I have 3 months of free time. THREE MONTHS.
I could get a job, might be useful for self discipline. But as a social spack it's never crossed my mind - not that I wouldn't put myself on the line, force myself aggressively into those situations and cope well on the surface (although they would work hell to pay on my head) to get what I want... it's just that I don't really want or need a job right now. Other than self discipline and potential social improvement (or regression if things fuck up), I don't need money because I buy naff all and download everything illegally. So it seems like a load of work for no result.
BUT 3 MONTHS. IF I AM AS IT SEEMS TODAY, A COMPLETE SOCIAL RETARD WHO CANNOT RECONCILE PEOPLE WITH MY OWN FUCKED THOUGHT TENDENCIES, AND THIS IS SOEMTHING THAT I DEARLY CANNOT CHANGE AT ALL AS A MATTER OF IMPOSSIBILITY (honestly don't believe this, but there has been little hope on the front - my head has to complicate every social step I take in retrospect, meaning I fuck every connection up)...
... AND I HAVE GOT 3 MONTHS TO ROT IN THIS STATE, THEN I AM GOING TO MAKE UP FOR IT ALL AS MUCH AS IS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
I'm going to exercise, throw myself into learning shit (instruments, languages, what else is there?), practice for my driving test, ANYTHING THAT I WILL CONSEQUENTLY BE ABLE TO USE TO ENJOY LIFE MORE. I'm not going to compare myself to other people anymore because it's causing me to stop and question the point of doing anything, cause it's all been done before. Fuck that. I'm going to do this, even if it is pointless, even though I am completely useless and other people would probably think "wow, he's struggling with that at this age? when I was 10 I spoke three languages and played cello, guitar, classical piano-I DONT CARE ANYMORE. Maybe it is pointless, but hey! Fuck you, head! You dickbrain! I'm going to do something, and then we'll see if I think it's all pointless in the long run THEN!
I'm gonna have to think it all over. Some sort of schedule, perhaps. If things don't fall into place, I will grab them and force myself into them. It'll be like school. If I catch myself doing nothing and bored, I will grab this barbrell, beat myself in the head a couple times and go back to work. Work.
Fuck. There's no time to moan because I've got no life and could literally sleep the next 3 months away. No time to compare to others. I have to do things. When I start to compare to others (as a rule, almost everyone is better than me at everything. Who gives a shit?) that means I've lost sight of this whole massive thing I wrote. The whole goal. The whole movement. Not just planning. This whole written thing has got fuck all to do with what I'm going to do. It's just a break, because I will have to take breaks. But they'll be the exception and not rule. The relief rather than the tension, the delay, "I'll do it later, I got LOADS of time". Hey, you could do it now. When later comes, you could still be doing it. You could've done more than you would've if you started then.
You prat. You stupid twit. You dumb pranny. This is all I ever had to do. My mind is erratic, conflicting, self-defeating, fucked. I wrote that not because I feel deep, or profound. This is bad. My mind is shit. It's putty. It's rotten arsewank. It can't be trusted. It has to be overridden with activity. Then it will be working, DOING THINGS. Not playing with blocks.
Sod this, I'm wasting time.
THIS IS OUR REVOLUTION SUMMER!
And those that revel in it are part of the problem.
(´・ω・)
Good thing for me it's winter over here.
あげる