Blargh! IMA FOOL! (39)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-09 16:24 ID:QLx0n7xn

Sup everyone.
So this is the deal. My BF broke up with me a month ago. He was in a camp as attendant and called in the middle of the night to tell me that we couldn't say that we love each other after 2 and a half month. I answered "well.. yeah... things like that take time" and he said "not for me. I think it's not working out. I don't love you enough it would just be unfair." thus he broke up with me and promised to meet me and explain things when he's back. But he never did. Sure I've been angry, that's some way to chicken out and then he states such a stupid reason. It was so obviously a excuse, I seriously was pissed because he didn't tell me the true reason.
Then, last friday, I saw him at a party and he didn't greet me but ran away. I would have expected that he's have the guts to at least explain to me now, but he didn't. Later on I saw him dancing with a girl, really close.
So I asked some friends If he had a new girlfriend and they answered yeah, ever since the camp.
CHRIST! This brought my anger to the max. But here's my actual conflict. I'm angry because he lied, because I was so easy to replace, because he's such a chicken but also because I was so stupid to believe him. I'm such a fool. GODDAMN BLARGH
So anyone been in the same situation yet, pleas tell your "Blargh!IMA FOOL" story.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-09 18:24 ID:+EH1wcgw

Post pics, maybe you'll find a bf here.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-09 18:58 ID:BWVAXoil

Similar thing happened with me and my ex... she basically did what your bf did, she was a being an insecure bitch and I basically ended up dumping her. Anyways, no point looking back, just move on and I'm sure you will find someone much better.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-09 21:55 ID:Cry4SxJG

Would you have felt any better if he had told you "we're splitting up 'cause I'm not sure whether I'll be able to maintain monogamy during the camp while I know there might be females that I like at the camp"?

One of my friends and my gf liked each other, I've had been with her for 6 days when I realised that she liked him and I was merely a snack or a way to get closer to him. I didn't complain or anything, I thought doing so would make me feel dumber. But it was all matter of time, after 3 months I was feeling so well and one year later she looked for me and then I agreed to go out with her again just so I could dump her within 6 days. It didn't make me feel any better, but that's how it happened.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-09 22:10 ID:KVWMkWHW

>>1

Look at it this way. Atleast you aren't together with him anymore.
If he didn't break up with you, you'd be stuck with him, and he'd be a cheater(He could be a cheater still, but atleast he had the balls to break it off after he cheated then).

He should have just confronted you. But he's chicken. Don't bother with him.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 10:05 ID:jkKcK8jK

>>4
I would have been better if he just said "Yo there's a other girl I like, so I'm sorry to dump you". Sure I'd been depressed in the same way as now but I wouldn't feel like a fucking retard because he would have been honest and I wouldn't have been the last person to discover that he exchanged me for a other girl in camp.
It's just that I expected him to have the guts and be honest.
Haha... it's my image of people I like to trust in, I always hope they're honest and couragous. It was just kinda disappointing...

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 11:37 ID:UPG1DTnn

>>1
I can kind of relate to what you're going through, but I'm haven't nearly been as hurt as you have. A guy who I vaguely knew of approached me out of the blue one day and turned my carefree life upside down. From the beginning he was playing with my feelings with no intention of getting serious with me. Yet he had the nerve to phone me, message me, and what have you, constantly. Ironically, after a while, he ended up falling for me. Or so he said. He confessed that he loved me, I turned him down. The very next week after saying those words, he was trying to get it on with my friend. I'm no so much as hurt, as I am feeling foolish. Even though I was the one who turned him down, it feels like I've lost much more than what he did. I had opened up myself to him, cared for him, and really beat myself up at turning him down, only to find out that I was something to pass the time. Nothing more than a lotto ticket. If he didn't win, he just bought another one.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 12:45 ID:wBtVDJfx

Maybe I'm the only one who saw it perhaps this way, from reading your post word for word, but I'll say it anyway, in case anyone didn't hit upon this possibility...

It sounds like he started liking someone at camp, but as he was still in a relationship with you, he asked why you haven't said you love each other in the 2 1/2 months you've been together...

From what I read, again, it sounds like your response was simply "It takes time"...

Some of us guys know exactly what we want out of a real loving relationship, and don't want to waste a lot of time on someone debating if there's any love there or not...

They want do bluntly know, do you love me after this long or not... Otherwise, I'll simply move on, and give my heart to someone else who does...

It sounds like he wanted a real relationship, with the actual word "Love", while you couldn't make up your mind, and wanted to keep him waiting, which is simply not his goal in love, to wait...

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 13:15 ID:Heaven

>>8

Do guys really think this way?? Why not just say that outright? If men and women could communicate a little better, it would solve 99.9% of all misunderstandings.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 15:18 ID:jkKcK8jK

>>8
It's not like I wanted to let him wait. It's just, call me naiv, IMO love is when you're ready to sacrifice everything for someone and it's seriously nothing I just say like that.
Honestly, I thought the same things like you after thinking it through because I know about him and his family. He's doing a lot of charitable and social things just to gain some respect and words of praise from others, because his family isn't that warm at all. He's really soft, that's what I liked about him but he was too weak hearted that he fell for the next girl who said "I love you"(even though he can't be certain if she meant it or not). Just hearing that may have been enough or so....
What freaks me out is how he did things. It was just not right how he broke up and then ignoring me, that's what I think. (And the other things I said before)

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 18:53 ID:Tv63FCje

>>9
Communication barriers exist for a reason. For example, if you tell a girl you love her a week into the relationship, even if it's true, she'll probably be quite put off. Also, if couples knew everything about each other, every last little secret, they would probably not stay together.

12 Name: >>8 : 2007-09-10 19:45 ID:wBtVDJfx

#8 here

>>9 Actually, a number of us do, I know I certainly do... I'm not one to fool around and find someone to just "pass the time" with, so to speak...

It seems like in the "old days", it was girls who talked about "commitment" and scared off guys who wanted to be "free & loose", and these days it seems like the opposite's true, more & more, where guys want love, while the girl gets scared of being "tied down" should we speak about our feelings or actually vocalize our being in love with them...

Here it sounds like the guy finally did say it, and got shot down by the phrase "That takes time"... I would think after 2 & 1/2 months, there'd be some admission of love there... After all, noone's talking marriage or anything, just saying I love you...

You can kind of sympathize, to a degree, when he wonders "Why am I staying with someone who can't even say she loves me after 2 and a half months, when someone here is also interested in me...

>>10
OP, I'm sure you didn't intend for it to come out quite that way... Everyone just has their own definition of love, and what it means... That's why some people consider love a one night stand, some consider it something to be said when you're ready to spend life with a person...

Myself, for example, I consider it to mean that you care more than a friend about a person, and though I don't intend it to mean I'm tied to them at the hip, it does mean that I'd give my heart to them...

I don't however, think the way he acted after you broke up was appropriate at all... I'm sure he was doing it purposefully to be vindictive, though... I've got to assume that was a rather mean way to "get back at you" for spurning his affection... And that's always the wrong thing to do, no matter how wronged he may feel he was...

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 20:50 ID:Heaven

>>9

yeah, some guys do think like >>8, hoever, i disagree with >>8, the guy in question was an asshole.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-10 21:40 ID:lIELfS0o

>>12
After saying that we didn't tell that we love each other, he stated that he doesn't love me. Which means, no he wasn't saying it and disappointed about my reaction. He was looking for a lame ass excuse because he wanted to dump me and get it on with the other chick without being looked down by other because of cheating on his GF. Sad thing is, it's not even a theory, it's the truth.

15 Name: >>8 : 2007-09-11 00:22 ID:3c0B2IC3

>>8 Here again

>>9 & OP, don't get me wrong, I think he turned out to be an very crass @$$hole in the end... He may have had decent intentions, and been disappointed that the OP didn't return his attentions...

Buuttt... He didn't have to be a complete @$$ in his disappointment... He completely went overboard, when a simple "OK, it looks like we're not both on the same wavelength here" would have sufficed...

I also agree that he was likely looking for an out as well... This has probably been coming for awhile now, and he probably used it as an excuse, frankly...

As I use myself as an example, I'm a guy who doesn't fool around in love, and wants a real relationship, but even though that's burned me before when people want to just be "casual", there's no excuse, especially for an upright decent guy, to act in such a disrespectful manner as he did... That's just simple disrespect, and very low...

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-11 09:36 ID:Heaven

Then there are guys who will stay with you until they can upgrade.

17 Name: 9 : 2007-09-11 13:14 ID:1E+IjURZ

>It seems like in the "old days", it was girls who talked about "commitment" and scared off guys who wanted to be "free & loose", and these days it seems like the opposite's true, more & more, where guys want love, while the girl gets scared of being "tied down" should we speak about our feelings or actually vocalize our being in love with them...

As a girl, I still look for commitment, but I need to know that the relationship is going to be stable in the long run before I commit. This means that I need to know that I can commit to being with someone for the rest of my life before I'll become physically intimate with someone. I'll say "I love you" before that, as I believe that love is something that can be shared between friends as well as lovers, but I need that final assurance of commitment from the other party before we consummate that love.

Guys seem to rush things a lot of the time, and that does scare a lot of girls off. A lot of us can't tell if he's rushing into the "love" word because he honestly loves us or he's just trying to get into our pants. That's why an early level of commitment can be scary to us. We don't want our feelings to be betrayed, so we have to be wary of someone who seems to be rushing things.

That said, everyone needs a relationship to move at a different pace... One part of keeping a relationship up is synchronizing the timing between two people. If it doesn't work out because of this, maybe it's not meant to be.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-11 13:29 ID:Heaven

It's been a loooooong time since the last time I saw a female looking for commitment.

19 Name: >>8 : 2007-09-11 16:24 ID:wBtVDJfx

>>18 agreed... The majority I see these days are "with their guy" just to "have a good time"... The word "love" rarely enters conversations...

>>17 When it comes to the "love word", can't it be both? Just kidding! We weren't even talking about Sex initially here, just saying and feeling the "love word"...

But since we touched on it, then as a "mature" guy, myself (27, btw), I think that after a reasonable time of loving each other, it should be part of loving someone, and it doesn't necessarily have to wait until you have wedding plans already drawn up...

Naturally, this depends on your upbringing, and I'm also NOT in favor of sleep-around girls or guys or anything like that... Just saying that you don't have to wait 'till you've been dating a person for years before being physically intimate... As people, we have physical and emotional needs, and the person you're with might not feel the same way about waiting forever that you do...

20 Name: 9 : 2007-09-11 22:38 ID:Heaven

I'm not saying it has to be marriage, per se, but I think you need to be in a position where you are able to commit to that person for life. Sex means a possibility of children. Children means your life changes significantly. If there's a possibility of pregnancy, I want it to be with someone I could see myself standing beside forever.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 03:07 ID:Tv63FCje

>>20
Have you ever heard of contraceptives? The pill plus a condom should suffice even for the most paranoid.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 03:29 ID:f0csaWSe

>>21

contraceptives cause side effects

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 03:42 ID:cwTliETR

>>22what "side effects?" can a condom have? get a real argument.

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 04:04 ID:f0csaWSe

>>23

girls being bitchy all the time for no reason and you dealing with their stupid hormones - get a gf who uses one and you will find out

25 Name: 43 : 2007-09-12 07:23 ID:8LON0qe+

>>24

But isn't the pill supposed to regulate the hormones and keep the menstrual cycle more accurate than a Swiss watch and get rid of the cramps? Honestly I've never taken them 'cause I'm male but I've never heard of anyone complaining for taking them on the other hand I've heard females complaining when they quit the pill.

Please explain further.

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 11:50 ID:F9qVTR/Q

>>25
True true. I guess it's just a excuse for some girls to bitch around. There are even some who do that when they're not taking the pill.
Also I'm a girl so don't think I don't know what I'm talking about.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 19:37 ID:gIfqeDo/

The pill gave me a 29 day period when I first started taking it... I had to go to the hospital. It was a really trying time in my relationship with my boyfriend, but he was really cool about the whole thing. When he drove me to the hospital, he was so concerned... Anyway, if you switch brands and try different ones, you can find a version of the pill that won't have side effects like that. I'm on "femcon" right now, and it's working really well for me. Different people need different pills, is all.

28 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 20:21 ID:GQ8JZX0e

OP here. Is it actually Ok to ask him to return the things I gave him?

29 Name: 43 : 2007-09-12 20:58 ID:J9JJXeGD

>>28

Yeah, I'd do it

30 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-12 21:36 ID:MSHB/8jp

>>28

I asked for the jewelery back for my ex because I didn't think she deserved them at all... surprisingly she gave them back

31 Name: brutal honesty : 2007-09-13 03:21 ID:Heaven

> tell me that we couldn't say that we love each other after 2 and a half month. I answered "well.. yeah... things like that take time" and he said "not for me. I think it's not working out. I don't love you enough it would just be unfair.

Sounds like a perfectly legitimate reason to discontinue a relationship.

> I saw him dancing with a girl, really close.

He broke up with you, what the hell else do you need besides the closure you've already received?

> He was looking for a lame ass excuse because he wanted to dump me and get it on with the other chick without being looked down by other because of cheating on his GF. Sad thing is, it's not even a theory, it's the truth.

Bullshit. He's his own person and can do whatever his heart desires, despite your heartbreak.
Perhaps you'd rather date a cheater, so you can feel vindicated in your jealousy?
You come off as a miserable old maid.

> He's doing a lot of charitable and social things just to gain some respect and words of praise from others

Keep up the slander. It helps to reveal your weakness of character.

> Is it actually Ok to ask him to return the things I gave him?

If he broke it off, it's only fair.
Of course you are in no way entitled to get those things back.

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-13 05:35 ID:S7LRFKqr

>>31
It would have been fine if he got himself a girlfriend after we broke up. But he had her ever since he phoned me to tell me it's over.He just replaced me at the spot and didn't even wait a month or a week. Actually I don't think that not loving someone is a reason to break up but it was a obvious lie, so that's what's so enrageing about it. You seriously want me to accept that?

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-13 07:50 ID:e0W0gvqH

Op here. I was kinda in a hurry so I'll take my time to answer now properly to >>31

>>Sounds like a perfectly legitimate reason to discontinue a relationship.

well yeah, but not if it's not the true reason but a lie. he could have just said "hey, there's someone else I like, I'm sorry to break up" or something. Would have been easier as making something up....

>>He broke up with you, what the hell else do you need besides the closure you've already received?

If he had just been together with her like after a week after breaking up with me that would have been fine. But wtf? one minute after calling me LOL wut?

>>Bullshit. He's his own person and can do whatever his heart desires, despite your heartbreak.

Perhaps you'd rather date a cheater, so you can feel vindicated in your jealousy?
You come off as a miserable old maid.

I'm not (like I mentioned in this thread before) angry about being left, that's what life's like you get left and you leave people. But I think it's just fair if you at least explain to someone why you left him. But just giving me some silly excuse and then I have to discover one month later that the reason I was told wasn't even true. Don't treat others the way you don't like to be treated, right?

>>Keep up the slander. It helps to reveal your weakness of character

What's your point? That's the way he is, I know and I accepted that. I didn't say it's something negative about him.

34 Name: brutal honesty : 2007-09-14 05:51 ID:Heaven

> You seriously want me to accept that?

Yes.

> it's not the true reason but a lie.

You've given no indication that you can prove this.

> But I think it's just fair if you at least explain to someone why you left him.

Perhaps, what ever happened to simple closure?
Do you want him to write an ten page essay on why he rejected you?
I have a feeling you'd be far more hurt if he told you how he can't stand to be around you, and then filed a restraining order.

> Don't treat others the way you don't like to be treated, right?

I'd prefer to be let down easy. Sounds like that's what he did for you.

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-14 11:13 ID:ei/Y55eW

>You've given no indication that you can prove this.

well you might not accept this as proof. But his best friend told me she was the reason he broke up and everyone who was with him at camp as attendants confirmed...lol
If you wonder when I asked, I asked at the party at which I saw him with his new gf

>Perhaps, what ever happened to simple closure?

Do you want him to write an ten page essay on why he rejected you?
I have a feeling you'd be far more hurt if he told you how he can't stand to be around you, and then filed a restraining order.

Nah, I don't think so. It's worse to be fooled and then find out the truth by coincidence than to be told straight from the start.I'd always preferred that way, then have someone make up stories and such just for the sake of "not hurting someone". These kind of things always backfire.

I wanted to be at good terms with him, but he's making it easy for me to dislike him.
All of my friends were like:"Oh, he's such an asshole" and I was defending him by saying "Maybe it really was hard for him.Don't make him look worse than he is."
But the truth is he is a sly hypocrite...
He was always ranting about people solving personal matter over phone and then he does just the same thing, wut? (Just one example)

36 Name: brutal honesty : 2007-09-14 18:55 ID:Heaven

> well you might not accept this as proof.

Nope.
It's not like his reasons for breaking up even matter in the long run.

> I wanted to be at good terms with him

Just get out of his life and forget about him if you can't get over yourself.

> but he's making it easy for me to dislike him.

It seems as if you're digging for reasons to justify hatred, judging by everything following this statement.

37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-14 19:25 ID:3ZZ0aQp+

>>Just get out of his life and forget about him if you can't get over yourself.

By that I didn't mean that I wanted to be friends or something but that every time we happen to see each other on a party (and that's quite often because we have the same friends) at least greet each other with a approving nod or something.
But it's quite the opposite, he runs away.

>>It seems as if you're digging for reasons to justify hatred, judging by everything following this statement.

Indeed, I admit. I usually don't hate people because there's no sense in hatred and it's a waste of energy. Sure I dislike him now, but I don't hate him.
It's just that I am at a loss of words for his behavior. Our relationship seemed kinda surreal afterwards. And I wonder if he thought of it as amusing or silly or if he thought everything.
That's because I want to know why, because it really is not easy to understand and I'd like to. It matters to me and I think that's just natural. One cannot go on living while ignoring the others. It's not like I'm a stranger to him.

38 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-15 08:48 ID:PLUHF4Rx

>>31

>You come off as a miserable old maid... Keep up the slander. It helps to reveal your weakness of character.

Lol? You’d probably think that all women were miserable old maids if you weren’t so out of touch with them.

I can't testify that the guy was an asshole himself, but his actions certainly were insensitive and unmanly. It seems to me that there are two interpretations of his reason for breaking up with OP. One, that he was being genuine, and was in a hurry for love, and the other, that it was a chicken shit excuse. I tend to lean towards the latter. This man has no spine. He dumped OP whilst there was a wide distance separating them, and didn't even bother to follow up or explain his actions when he came back.

>>Sounds like a perfectly legitimate reason to discontinue a relationship.
>>I'd prefer to be let down easy. Sounds like that's what he did for you.

Perhaps if he had broken up with her at home, and not whilst he was away, I'd be inclined to think that way. But as it is, getting dumped out of the blue, over the phone, whilst he is out of reach, not contacting when he comes back and then finding out from a third party that he has a new girl...wha-? I don’t know what your idea of being let down easy is Brutal Honesty, but the only thing that was easy about this, was him taking the easy way out of a relationship.

Seriously, this guy is just thinking about himself and how he can avoid trouble. Weak. Just because he wasn’t technically cheating, you can’t justify his actions. Put yourself in OP’s shoes. You send your partner off on a trip, and they come back as a complete stranger, not even bothering to greet you. I mean, hey? What just happened?

39 Name: brutal honesty : 2007-09-17 03:50 ID:Heaven

> 37
> that's quite often because we have the same friends

That puts things in a different light, for several reasons.
Perhaps since you have many mutual friends, you might share an empathetic one that could act as a mediator? Give him/her a message to pass along.

> Indeed, I admit.

That's the vibe I was getting from post 1.
Try to keep your cool if you end up talking to him again.

Sorry if I came off too strong. Having ended a relationship myself in the past with a completely genuine "not love" excuse, it can be frustrating when that reason is somehow not good enough.

>38
> I don’t know what your idea of being let down easy is Brutal Honesty

I was dishing it out, not asking for it.

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