Sorry for tl;dr.
My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky, one yearish relationship, lots of fights and just unhealthy behavior. A few days ago we had a long discussion about how to make things better, realized we don't want to break up or anything, we just want to work hard to fix things by being more communicative and doing certain things(taking a short break if we're going to fight, not name calling, etc.). Since that day, he has been calling me names still and today he did not let me take a break when I felt we were going to fight.
The reason for the "fight" was that he made a silly joke about our relationship, something like "I love this orange juice... it's way better than our relationship!" and I just asked him calmly not to joke about our relationship, because I didn't like it. We're both adults, and though we do joke about a lot of sensitive subjects, I just don't feel like joking about our relationship in any way with how bad things have been lately. When I told him that, he started attacking me, calling me weak, saying I couldn't take a joke and to "get over it!" over and over, and that it wasn't that bad. I told him I knew it wasn't that bad, I never said it was and that I wasn't hurt, but that I didn't like it and his reaction to it was hurtful and not conducive to fixing our problems and I wanted to take a short break. I said the break thing over and over and he would not let me leave. He said if I wanted a mature relationship to date someone older(he's almost 19 and I'm 21). He called me emotionally weak and pathetic and insists that he is right. I ended up telling him he was ruining our relationship because he wouldn't do the things we said we'd do, which I regret saying because I don't want anymore conflict. I had to just completely shut him out to get him to leave me alone.
I just feel really annoyed with such jokes, I love it when he jokes(it's part of his personality that I like best) but I just feel very annoyed and put off by jokes about our relationship when it's been so difficult to maintain(for me specifically, I had to forgive a lie I only found out about 8 months after the fact and he wasn't even the one to tell me). And it's not like it was funny either. How could I have handled this differently? Am I completely wrong? I know I contributed to the fight, but was it really wrong to calmly tell him it bothered me?
Your attitude seems pretty reasonable, although of course we are only hearing your side of the story. Which does not mean that I don't believe you,...
I guess there are several problems wrapped in one big knot: you and your boyfriend don't seem to be able to keep a rational discution under stress because both of you get too emotive, and resort to agressiveness and mutual attacks. I think you are right that the best approach when this happens is to step down, and stop speaking until both are relaxe, AND THEN resume talking about it, instead of pushing the issue under the rug.
I understand that he feels the need to joke about the relationship, it's his way of managing anxiety. I also understand that you find that hurtful. I think you need to pick a moment where both of you are relax, and explain to him that you understand why he jokes (to repeal anxiety about that issue), and that he also needs to understand what you feel. Importantly, even if he feels that such jokes should not be taken seriously, the fact is that they hurt you, and this is reason enough for him to be more cautious about it. On the other hand, even if you manage to convince him of that, don't expect him to change his behaviour completely. Joking about stressful things is an effective defense mechanism that is not easily given up, even if one wants to (another counter productive strategy is to verbally assault the other). I know this well, I have the same problem with my wife! She has been telling me pretty much what you explained for ages, and I understand her, but it's not always easy to avoid it,...