I like him, but... (19)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-13 18:18 ID:EyTs4HG3

Hello all,

There's this guy at my university. We've been attending the same classes for around two years now, but never spoken to each other. Recently we both became members of the same (geek) club. This means that I now get to talk to him often... it also means that I've started to like him, a lot.

Today while waiting for another geek club member to finish her classes, I spent almost the whole day talking to him. He's a really nice guy and the more I know about him the more I like him. However, we then talked about where we see ourselves in the future... he basically described the girl he wants as someone similar to me, but also that he does not want to be unfair to a girl, and so wants to wait until he actually has time. He also says that as soon as he finishes this degree, he's leaving the country.

Now the issue is: how can I convince myself not to approach him? I'm pretty sure it's just a phase, the "my heart beats whenever I think of him" sort of thing and it should pass quickly, but until it does, I'm stuck with this painful pang. Help?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-13 19:47 ID:M6nCuAAv

>>1
Is he seeing someone?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-13 20:39 ID:EyTs4HG3

No, he is just not interested in any relationship, period, because he thinks it would not be fair for the other person if he couldn't make time for them, which is what he told me. Makes sense, I guess.

I don't know if he would even consider me since there is an age gap: he is 34, I am 21.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-13 22:37 ID:NPusJuSQ

He's a smart one to not let his feelings for you (I'm sure he has some) make him hurt you. Take his advice and wait until he has time.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-13 22:44 ID:QxhE9FLE

I think he will make another girlfriend in his country
if you wouldn't tell him "I love you" or something like that.

Isn't that painful for you?

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 00:43 ID:uud5Imk9

Perhaps a risky but easy solution: Tell him you have a crush on him so that it's out of the way, OR just get his e-mail and start talking with him casually. The latter provides a way for you to make a move if you continue to feel attracted to him int eh future, without pushing into the relationship thing now.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 07:21 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>4
That was my intention, but it's difficult right now since I see him almost every day in class (and pay more attention to him than the professor!).

I do hope so, because he's really very nice to me... well, he's nice to everybody, but I'm hoping he's doing some things specifically for me =)

>>5
I'm glad you mentioned that, because in the course of our conversation, I said that I wanted to marry someone from our country (he is the same nationality/ethnicity/etc as me). Then I said that he's lucky to be living abroad and could probably get any girl he wanted there. He said that yes, that's true, and his friends told him so, but he specifically wanted a girl with my nationality/ethnicity/so forth. (I wanted to say, "You mean like me?", but didn't.)

I think he's a bit confused, though, because then he also says that he wants to go back abroad and continue to work there.

>>6
Actually, in our geek club at uni, he is the president, I am the vice president, and a third girl (from a different nationality and so is not my rival!) is the secretary. Since we're the board members, the professor in charge usually only calls us three, so I see him there and in class and often around campus.

I have his university e-mail, his personal e-mail, and his phone number. Using any of them for anything besides club activities is another matter entirely... =(

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 12:11 ID:5eBQfWNN

All the questions you raise are for yourself to answer, but I see no forbidding obstacle to a relationship. For instance the age gap is quite large, but it can work, if you are willing to accept it. If so, everybody else will end up accepting it also.

As for the experience abroad, it depends. How long would he plan to stay abroad? 10 years? 5, 2? Would you like/be able to follow him? Would he accept that? Can you see yourself in a long distance relationship? Such relationships can work, given proper preparation. It also matters if he goes overseas or just to a neighboring country, for instance.

Finally, how long until you both graduate? This year? In two years? If so, I would definitely consider going forward.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 12:20 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>8, I graduate in two years. Not sure about him, though.

As for his staying abroad, he says that he has an established business there that he wants to go back to. But he's been here since 2003, which is a long time to leave a business unattended and probably also means he's graduating in a year or two as well.

I feel like he's contradicting himself: he wants a girl with his own nationality, but wants to continue living abroad. The only option is for her to live with him, but that's where he says he doesn't want to be unfair to her.

Maybe the talk about going abroad is just that: talk? He did say that he wanted to settle down.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 13:38 ID:5eBQfWNN

>>9

Looks like you have a windows of opportunity of one or two years, which is considerable. Furthermore his projects are not so firmly established that they could not accommodate a relationship.

I think you should go for it.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 14:47 ID:3Kot1sgX

silly OP, this is a problem caused by being female. We all go through this kind of angst at some point, usually multiple times in our lives. The usual solution is to find some other girls to banter on about it with.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 15:25 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>10
Easier said than done. I'll try to see if there are any signs of him being interested in me...

>>11
Life would be much easier if these things could just be bantered away!

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 16:34 ID:M6nCuAAv

You need to be a positive thinker.

He's 34 and single, and not seeing anyone, it seems.
To tell you the truth, I thought the issue would be like "what is the best way of me approaching him?"

From what you said, he implied that he was interested in you. And If that's the case, why convince yourself giving up?
Sure, you've known about him for 2 years. But probably he didn't know you until recently, right? And you are saying you aren't sure if he's interested in you. Of course I understand how you feel, but don't jump to the conclusion. Don't rush.

I wonder if any of your club members know how you feel about him. If it's yes, then I suggest you use their help, so he can notice you're interested. Chances are, he will have more interest, at least. Good luck.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 18:17 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>13, thanks for the encouragement. You're right, I'm trying to be very careful about this: I don't want to force my feelings on him since he so clearly stated that he wasn't interested, but at the same time I don't want to regret not trying to see if he might be interested after all.

The third board member of our club is a good friend of both of us. She's a lovely girl and would probably help me out if I asked her to, but I don't want things to end up awkward every time the three of us are together. (Just imagine it: I like him, he doesn't know, she knows and is trying to help, what a mess!)

As you can tell, I lack courage =(

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 19:27 ID:M6nCuAAv

>>14
Ok, you need to be pushed a little more. :)

I'm not quite sure what his personality is like, but if I were the guy, I might say the same thing if asked if I had a girlfriend now. You know what I mean? Put yourself in his shoes. He probably wanted to beautify his situation. Do you honestly believe he could describe what he had in mind as it is? You might think it's wierd, but you can't rule out the possibilities that he put up his front at the time.

That is, I wouldn't have said, "I really want to go out with someone! Are you interested in me?". No, that's stupid. I wouldn't want a girl to think I'm desparate. Instead, I would have told you, "I don't have a gf because I have no interest for now." Complicated?

Anyway, it might be a good idea to check if he's not interested in a relationship at all. It wouldn't hurt.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 19:39 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>15, I see what you mean. Likewise, I'm trying to avoid coming on too strongly to avoid looking desperate... As for what he's like, he's pretty quiet, very honest and straightforward, an overall nice guy. I believe him when he said he didn't want to mistreat a girl or be unfair to her, but now that you mention it, I guess it doesn't mean that he's not interested =)

(hopefully I'm not reading too much into his comment...)

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-14 21:07 ID:IYc5KvVt

Just get to know what he's interested in, and use that to find activities you can do with him (ex: movies, expos, going out). Maximise the time you spend with him,...

18 Name: dthncrnge : 2008-03-14 21:11 ID:LfDTE5vF

Be smart... If your in college, then come up with some creative way to make it work... Use the force :)

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-15 08:35 ID:EyTs4HG3

>>17, that sounds like a good idea, except his schedule is fuller than mine... but he does have patches of free time in between, yay!

>>18
Force charging: 42% =)

In the meantime, I've been neglecting my homework! Nooo~

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