So there's this one girl I have my eye on.
She's attractive, a few years younger, on the quiet side, dresses a bit subculture, probably all wrong for me.
But I'd like to treat her to a fine meal or a lazy evening in the park anyway.
Gossip will spread like wildfire around here so however this goes down it won't be a secret and although we are peers and it would be easy to keep my distance if things didn't work out in the way we would all ultimately hope.
She might have some trust issues and my intuition says something bad to worse might have happened to her in the past.
On her behaviour: She does smile at me but that could be anywhere from flirty to 'oh my god he's such a dork'.
For the men: How would you approach this?
For the women: How would you want to be approached?
For everyone: Please share you're own experiences, good or bad.
Holy. Crap. This mirrors my situation; but I'm the girl in the story and we have gotten to the hanging-out-outside-of-work-stage by now. So very close to my own situation! From the age difference to the introverted personality to the trust issues and the threat of gossip. Amazing.
Assuming that the lady in your situation and I are alike even a little bit mentally, I'd say the fact that she smiles at you is a great indicator that she may like to get to know you. At the very least, she acknowledges your existence and flashes a hint of happiness at you rather than avoiding eye contact or frowning at you. When the guy in my situation and I met at work, I smiled at him every chance I got, hoping he'd pick up on it and eventually talk to me. He smiled back, and that started the formation of a friendly bond between us.
Start off slow. Trust issues.... indeed they could have root in something "bad to worse" occurring in her past; that rings true for as well. Just be "friendly" and don't freak her out by moving forward too fast. Strike up conversation about work, move in to nerdy stuff or something she may find interesting. Move slow, move soft. Maybe she could use a friend, and maybe she could use something more. If you hit it off, meeting outside of work on your own time should be an option in the future.
Best of luck.
>>2
Well I've left out the details and you fill in your own, so I wouldn't say it's incredibly amazing. A major detail is that I'm a quiet one myself and have to deal with my own trauma.
> and don't freak her out by moving forward too fast.
Oh the frustration and uncertainty! It's like I'm working for a relationship with someone who might just want friendship. I suppose I'll take your advice though and just ask her what she's doing after work.
Please keep me updated on your situation, I would hope to learn from any mistakes your man makes rather than repeat them myself.
>>2
here.
Yes, you're right; I fell in to a trap and made up details that made our similarities "amazing". And really thinking about it, the only advice I can summon is pretty basic courting advice like maintain eye contact, act interested, be polite, don't vomit, etc.
In my own situation, I was too shy to really initiate anything, and pretty much gave "green light" signals to encourage him to move forward. Smiling, going out of my way to talk to him, trying to talk to him at least once each day, eventually agreeing to and making plans to meet, giving small gifts occasionally (like baked goods and hand made holiday cards, not expensive stuff that would have frightened him). I racked up some courage and started taking the initiative to make plans with him and give suggestions as to what we could do together when we met. I really, really want this to move in a romantic direction, but right now we're just friends. Close friends. And the little, tiny things we do for each other help to keep us close. I make a great effort to remember to wish him well when he has a doctor's appointment and to ask how far along he is on various class projects. I ask how his night at work went and inquire about ailing family members. I make lame jokes just to get him to laugh. He opens doors for me, asks follow up questions, occasionally compliments what I'm wearing, and offers advice whenever he can. Really, it's like we're dating, but nobody has come out and verbally (or physically) made it official. It's comfortable, but I want more, and oh so slowly I'm working on it without being obvious.
If what you want to do is take her out somewhere for an evening, get to know her well enough that you can initiate conversation with ease first. Might not want to ask her for a long walk or meal if you're still in the awkwardasfuck stage. However, the first time my friend and I met outside of work it was for a long walk around town for "exercise". I was still very hesitant to talk to him out of extreme shyness, and our first walk was sort of torturous for me. But today, eight months later, we just meet up, and it flows.
I really don't know if what I'm typing here is helping at all; truth is, I've never dated before. But good luck and keep us posted and hopefully you will soon have advice from more experienced posters.
You've helped a lot already with just encouragement.
I'm now sure, based on snippets of overheard conversation, that "Dusky" is mutually interested in some small amount (and possibly even has a crush). I'd bet my life on it.
oh god drama
There's another one, "Starling", around the place that may be more interested in me, but I wouldn't consider seeing her even as a friend for several valid reasons. She seemed visibly upset when I left her company to talk with "Dusky". Birch is friends with "Scratch", who could make trouble for me as she un/knowingly has access to very personal information.
I plan on being kinder to, but keeping distant from, Starling just in case.
> I've never dated before.
I don't have a lot of experience myself. My temperament and history makes it difficult to enough to get out there.
I'm jealous of your situation, since I know that everything he's doing I would never do for someone I wasn't romantically involved with. Out of curiosity, since it's been eight months, he's kissed you by now, right?
Glad to know that my encouragement has been a positive for you in any way. It's excellent that it seems likely that she has a crush on you. Even if she hides her feelings in embarrassment or shyness, the seeds have been planted in her head and that should help some. Even just a small bit of mutual interest guarantees that you're on her mind for some time each day, and that means that even when there's no interaction between you, she may feel a fondness for you in her thoughts.
Lurking this board has likely granted you basic knowledge on body language, but just in case you've missed those threads, here are a few big, obvious signs that she might be in to you:
*she'll gesture with her hands when talking to you
*when she hands you things or gestures with her hands, her wrists are turned up to you so you can see their undersides
*she tilts her head when speaking or listening to you; exposing her throat is akin to exposing her wrists
*she "glows" (blushes); this can mean she's embarrassed or nervous, but it can also mean she's sexually aroused (and not necessarily super aroused, possibly just a small bit and might not even know it)
The wrists and throat and tilting and glowing are generally not voluntary. Just as when a cat exposes its belly to you, when a woman (or man) exposes their wrists or throat, they're making them self vulnerable to you, showing you that they trust you, and perhaps that they want you to approach. The glowing is her body betraying her, "lighting up" to make her seem healthy and well colored and feminine. Of course prolonged eye contact, hair twirling, obvious flirting and the like are signs, too. Hell, if she talks to you without using a bunch of filler and actually carries a conversation with you, that's a good enough sign on its own.
If she has a crush on or interest in you, she'll think of you nonstop. That's how it's been for me anyhow, but maybe I'm a bit obsessive (I really don't know how that works for other people).
Drama sucks. Work place drama really sucks. I don't have much advice to lend there. People are unpredictable, and if they start spitting poison, it can be contagious. Keep a tight leash on Starling and keep allies close, if for nothing else just to be in on the gossip and what not as a defense. (Woo, that sounds dramatic indeed).
Ehh, no, we've not yet kissed. I would love more than anything for our relationship to move in that direction, but in the eight months we've known each other (we've only been hanging out outside of work for about four months), we've been strictly friends, but very close ones. We spend lots of time together when we can and share personal information and stories with each other that we've both admitted we've not told many others ever and there's trust there, but it's a friendship, for now.
> everything he's doing I would never do for someone I wasn't romantically involved with
That candid comment is a gigantic encouragement. Like I said, I've never dated before, but this feels different from any friendship I've ever had. Ah, and there is pitfall you may want to try hard to avoid: don't become too much of a friend. By that I mean that if you approach her as a friend with the intent of eventually turning the relation to a romantic one, don't wait so long that you develop the sort of bond that makes her feel like you're a big brother or something. Honestly, the thought of kissing him has sort of felt incestuous at times. I've chased that feeling away, but the fact that I even felt that way to begin with; I pray he doesn't think of me as a sister or something.
I'm actually the OP of this thread:
http://4-ch.net/love/kareha.pl/1206259699/
That's not that important, but it does add complication to my situation. Still, it feels like there's a spark between us, and all I can do is fan it with care and hope for the best.
Again, best of luck and keep us updated on your progress.
Drama update:
Scratch is sending me coy smiles and bedroom eyes. The way I've been treating her may have changed her attitude toward me in the span of a day. Any warm-blooded male would jump right in bed with Scratch, but I'm still more interested in Dusky.
Besides, I'm no player, and it's likely Scratch is trying to derail things.
It's becoming a daytime soap opera. Turns out I've actually been in a coma for eight months.
> Even if she hides her feelings in embarrassment or shyness
Definitely some embarrassment there, possibly nervousness.
> don't become too much of a friend
Got ya. I might have been coming on too strong actually.
> I'm actually the OP of this thread
We're nowhere near that far apart in age. There are just enough years between us to cause a rift. She's just young enough to still be MTV, and I'm just old enough to recognize myself as too old for that.
> best of luck
And to you.