I was just turned down (34)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 15:16 ID:gENv7crP

First of all let me tell you about myself. I am overweight but not really whining about it - I am getting rid of it. Lost 35 lbs in 2.5 months. I still have 75 lbs to lose until I reach my ideal weight but I will DEFINITELY do it this time. I will also switch to wearing contacts and maybe change my haircut from classic to something more modern. But that's pretty much everything I can do.

I was just turned down by a girl few days ago and she didn't really tell me the reason (most likely it's because I am overweight). But what happened is she actually agreed to go out with me and then unexpectedly called it off and didn't tell me the reason. And it's not that she can't do it this time. She explicitly told me that she didn't want to go out with me.

I don't consider myself very attractive, especially at this weight (265lbs at 6'1''), but I am not ugly either. I was turned down by girls I asked out before and I dated for the first time in my life, last year (at the age of 25!). It's a long story but I do carry a backpack of bad memories which made me feel miserably about my appearance and myself in general which always dragged me down somehow. And the situation with this girl I am talking about is not making it any better. I think it's a bit immature of her to turn me down in the way she did. It's not like she was a cover-girl either but she was slimmer than me (not slim though).

As much as I fight it, I really feel worthless, hopeless and ugly now. I know I shouldn't base my opinion on one girl rejecting me, but there was too many rejections I had in my life. I wasn't popular ever (maybe because of the looks and overall image), but I think I am fun to be around considering that I am intelligent, educated and well-mannered. I will definitely achieve my ideal weight until September this year or New year at latest (if it slows down) and will change about my looks what I can, but I doubt that will be enough.

I see that there are girls on this board that don't really care about looks, but I can't really find them in real life. I should emphasize that it's not like it's painful to look at me (not ugly in that sense of the word), but with this face it's a sure thing that I would never instantly attract a girl even if I was in my ideal weight range.

The question is what do you think I should do. I am not picky about girls but even the ones with below-the-average looks reject me. Again, personality shouldn't be an issue.

Ugh, I know that I said everything and I said nothing, but I just dumped what's on my mind. I am really pissed with this latest and ultimate rejection so please try to understand me. I hope you can at least give me your opinion on everything.

Thanks

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 15:58 ID:yBzM9uwi

God luck overweight-kun ! Secret Admirer is rooting for you ! <3 There's nothing much to say really, just lose some weight and change your look.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 16:27 ID:xGhE9KsQ

Congrats. You got rejected, the first of many. Don't take it personally when a girl turns you down, it will happen. But you are fortunate, you are one of the few on this board that has the courage to ask out a girl. You lost 35 pounds and you are losing more. Awesome. You are working on becoming a better person, this shows the quality person you are. You will find someone who will see how hard you are working to become a better person. So don't worry about finding a girl or finding that special someone, that will come with time. Self-esteem and confidence is something you find in yourself and no one can give it to you. That being said, it means no one can take it from you. You should understand you are worth something and you will win in the end. Other than that, all I can wish for is for you to have a good life and tell us when you find your love, because I'm quite sure you will.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 16:46 ID:gENv7crP

OP here.

>>2

Yeah that's what I figured. Thanks though.

>>3

Thanks for encouragement. I am working hard. Only people who were in my position know how hard it is to cut on food, especially when you're young and work out hard. I seriously decided this time. I WILL get rid of all the flaws I can get rid off. What remains in the end will be the pure version of me (physically), without fat and without glasses. And then part of the responsibility will be on that special one who will learn to accept me the way I am. I apologize for making my first post so desperate. I am certainly not a beast when it comes to my appearance, although I made it sound like that. When I think of it, I can assume that girls maybe see me as weak or think that I lack character to fight the fat off...

And you're right, maybe I should take some time off and concentrate on self-improvement and let everything else go with the flow. In the end, I can honestly say that I am doing what I am doing primarily for my benefit, and not anybody else.

Thanks again for nice words. They mean a lot to me.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 17:06 ID:JBmqbaqa

it's okay to get rejected.. but I hope you didn't pressure the girl to explain why she declined your offer to go out with you... you'll seem too desperate, and asking all these questions is just a turn off.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 17:18 ID:gENv7crP

>> 5

No, I didn't ask her. I never do that. Rejection situations are as awkward as they get, so I don't drag them. What I meant is that common courtesy would demand to just make up an excuse at least.

But, anyway, I guess I view the world through me, ignoring the differences between me and the rest of the world. At least I realized that.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 23:20 ID:w9m9SDDr

>>6

freaky how similiar we are down to the height, weight, sitution,age and glasses. i guess we fit in the whole fat geek stereotype.

ah well i sincerely hope u good luck

so i'm the op from self improvement thread just incase you feel like reading my story for inspiration

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-09 23:51 ID:f8Gpo58C

man i got rejected so many times myself. dont let that stop you though! if a girl rejects ya, fine. just keep trying! you are so close man, u will find the girl! just keep at it with your plan and u will be there in no time.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 02:54 ID:kxaF64O3

>>7

Exactly. It's a STEREOTYPE. I look like a fat geek, but frankly I have well-rounded personality and I keep my professional interests strictly professional (i.e. you'll never hear me mentioning anything to do with technology/science/computers to a girl). And yet, with that looks we obviously both share, girls (I guess) tend to assume that you're an oblivious geek who would be so boring to be around with. I never judge anybody by their looks, but hey that's me :)

Anyway, thanks for posting and I am following your thread closely. I wish you good luck, doppelganger :)

>>8

Thanks for encouragement. It sure means a lot. I cut so much on the food that I am practically eating nothing, living on some greens, veggies and fruits and low-fat, low-cholesterol meat such as tuna. Can you imagine how my days look like. I just brisk-walked for 5 miles and had a shower then after I see what's up here I am going to do exercises. It's horrible, it's boring (I also work almost 60 hrs a week) but I absolutely have to do it. September is not that far and at 4 lbs/wk I WILL do it. If there's anybody else out there (I know >>7 is) with similar situation, DON'T let anybody affect what you're doing for your own good! And I am doing it at all fronts, building my career, reshaping my image... all to prepare myself for that special one. If I was an idiot, I'd say she (whoever she will be) doesn't deserve this much work. But hey, I keep thinking it's all for me and not anybody else.

Geez, thanks guys... Your support is giving me back some confidence I need to continue with hard-work.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 03:20 ID:6Rxax7Oo

>>9 You remind me of the "past-me". I did the same thing you did, exercise, eat less to the point where i became a zombie OBSESSED with my weight. I then understood how it actually feels to be a chick, HORRIBLE. I didn't do the purge thing, but over time i felt so guilty after eating a full meal it drove me nuts.

But i became normal and "stable", i gave up on the diet and still exercised and became average weight.

Was it all worth it? Meh, not really. SURE girls look at you more, i got more dates and more clicks on my social profile..but i never met "that girl".

I'll be honest, i gave up on the hunt. Now i'm FAT and honestly i just dont give a f#ck. I love food and i see alot of fat men with girls on their arms so WTF? I guess it's all chance, the right combination..keep going at it until you meet her. BUT i'm SO tired, if it happens then happens..i'm not gonna go cruise the streets or parties to meet her.

Yeah my hermit lifestyle diminishes the prob. but MEH, you know...i can't get one f#cking break. Life should be like a movie; you work hard, and you get something..YOU MUST GET SOMETHING, a F#CKING REWARD!

AAaaah, anyways goodluck man! Don't let despair eat you up like it did me, and there is no way out..not that i care.

Laterz

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 04:08 ID:kxaF64O3

>>10
OP here

I see what you're saying. And I am kinda aware of all of that you said. That's why I gave up on the idea that I am doing it for somebody else. I guess I am doing it primarily because of my health. I know I'll run into that obsession thing when I hit the normal weight. It's my fat genes that make my life so miserable.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 10:09 ID:V2au10mk

hemm, this is kind of off topic but what the hell

i lost and gain 60+ pound twice already because i tried doing it with fat burner or eating less. it's just not gonna work because you can't keep doing it for the rest of your life and when you quit you going to gain it all back or even more.

Currently i'm splitting my meal to smaller portion 8 times a day. mostly chicken breast sandwich. personally for me this works better then anything i've tried before and i'm also losing 4lbs/week but looking forward to every meal.

anyway, i hope that help.

from >>7

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 11:19 ID:ZddsZusR

>i lost and gain 60+ pound twice already because i tried doing it with fat burner or eating less. it's just not gonna work because you can't keep doing it for the rest of your life and when you quit you going to gain it all back or even more

The whole point of eating healthily and exercising is that it is a lifestyle choice. You don't eat right and exercise to get down to a certain size, just to then go back to eating like crap and sitting on your ass all day. Of course you're going to just put back on all the weight you lost. It's simple, calories in vs. calories out. You can't think that once you are a healthy weight you can magically eat all the chocolate cake you want. You have to put in the effort for life if you want to be healthy/good looking for life.

However, it sounds like you do have at least some sense when it comes to eating - the smaller meals more frequently is a very good technique. I personally wouldn't recommend 8 meals, I would say 6 meals - but if its working for you then thats fine.

Another general point is that 4 lbs/week weightloss is a bit too much. 2 lbs/week is a much healthier target, because you will be losing mostly all fat rather than muscle/organ tissue as well. However, it is common for people to lose weight at a fast rate in the early weeks of eating healthily and then taper out to something around 2 lbs.

14 Name: OP : 2008-04-10 13:42 ID:gENv7crP

>> 12

Yeah, diet details are off topic but I'll post them anyway because they can help other 4-chaners.
The farthest I could get was 234lbs and then I gained all back because I gave up. I am conscious and aware that I will have to maintain healthy weight all my life and am not too fond of the idea. However, I decided to do it and I will. As for the meals, I usually have 2 smaller meals a day with fruit in the meantime. It's working for me although it's not too healthy and quite extreme because I am taking less than 800 calories a day that way. I absolutely gave up on sugar (sweets) and fatty foods. All sugar I get is from fruits. I even bake my whole-grain bread because commercial ones have corn syrup, sugar and whatever. All fat I get is from lean meats. I use no oil either. Before, I was losing strength progressively but I started taking multi-vitamins+minerals daily and that keeps me up. In the beginning, I was losing about 6 lbs/wk, then it fell down to 4 lbs/wk and now I am not even sure, but it should be in that range. What happens is it gravitates around say 265lbs +- 2 lbs then after few days when I go to sleep I would wake up with 261. I am not sure about others, but I guess my body works that way, and I should definitely start getting more sleep (that's what nutritionists are suggesting anyway). And yes, I don't eat anything after 5pm (except for unsweetened lemonades). In the mornings I drink a cup of (unsweetened non-decaffeinated) green tea with lemon and ginseng. I don't use any other fat-burners as they are usually too high in caffeine and tend to weaken your heart and lessen the amount of time you can actually exercise. I have the Fat meter device and dropped from 37% to 29% body fat since I started. I am eating meat and whole-grain oats to retain high level of protein and fiber in my diet which I think minimizes muscle loss for me.

OK this is way too off topic but that's what I am doing. I wouldn't ever suggest it to anyone because it's obviously dangerous, but I am so sick of my weight that I have no other choice. I am looking forward to another 5 miles of brisk-walking today. I think of gradually increasing it to 8 miles. I'll wait to lose another 30 lbs before I start running because my heart is not keeping up at this point.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 14:01 ID:ZddsZusR

800 calories is way too little, you're just crash dieting and thats why you always ended up giving up to cravings and finding your body puts it all back on so quickly. There are various calorie calculators online that you can use to see how many calories you use up everyday depending on your weight/activity levels. That figure is your maintainence level, so cut 100 to 200 calories off that for healthy weight loss.

You're eating the right stuff, but starving yourself isn't a long-term solution. Instead of 2 meals you should aim for 6 or so meals, spaced 2 or 3 hours apart. Obivously these aren't going to be big meals, but they are meant to keep your insulin levels sorted and keep your metabolism raised. As for not eating after 5pm, unless you are going to bed at 8pm, that is way too early to have a last meal. Sure, taper off carbs in the late afternoon/evening, but don't starve yourself - have high protein foods. Also, sleeping longer will result in weight loss, but it will be muscle rather than fat. I know you're probably like "but I don't want to be muscley I just want to be slim!!" but muscle is your friend for losing fat.

Keep up the brisk-walking - its definately one of the best exercises for you to do at your weight. Swimming is also incredibly good.

If you want further information about fixing your diet/exercise routine to have a successful long-term plan I recommend you check out 7chan's /fit/ board, just be sure to read the stickyed FAQ before posting something that's been answered already. Suprisingly, it's not a board full of trolls and there are people going through the same thing as you who can provide help and encouragement.

16 Name: OP : 2008-04-10 14:11 ID:gENv7crP

>>15

Yeah I know I exaggerated. At the beginning I craved for food. Now it seems like my body doesn't even care anymore so I am rarely hungry. I am not purging or anything like that and I'll never do that. I'll check the 7chan's board and FAQ out.

thanks!

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-10 16:04 ID:ZddsZusR

No problem, and the best of luck to you :)

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-11 08:19 ID:f8Gpo58C

crash dieting never works for the long term. starving yourself isnt good. I heard a doctor say crash dieting never works because all it does is make your body think " woah was there a famine just recently? we better eat up extra in case another famine hits." So the body will make you crave food and all you do is gain the weight back. But if you diet correctly, your body will not crave food and tell itself that it is ok and it will eat the extra fat stored in the body so you wont get hungry and crave food. Sounds corny, I know, but I have never seen a crash diet that works.

19 Name: 28 : 2008-05-21 03:38 ID:kxaF64O3

My weight loss slowed down big time. I'm at 255lbs now.. so that's 5 lbs in a month -- poor I know. I have to increase my physical activity dramatically. I mainly eat low-sugar fruit, some meat and no fat, sweets, junk food or anything like that.. But still no dramatic loss..

As for the romance front, no girl yet, but my female colleagues at work noticed that I lost a lot of weight over the last three months (43lbs) and asked me if there was some girl that I liked and if I was available so that "they know" lol... Haha I know it's so cheesy but man I feel good. It's an improvement for me.

And here I am resurrecting my old thread :)

20 Name: OP : 2008-05-21 03:41 ID:kxaF64O3

Actually I went over my Apr-10 posts and I averaged 263lbs at that point so I lost 8lbs!! Haha still miserable but better than 5 :)

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-21 11:51 ID:b7ao8127

8lbs in a month is decent though at your weight it could be alot more. consider taking fat burner while keeping the healthy diet if it slow down even more, though it's not without side effect it help me out alot.

anyway i reread the whole thread and realize you blame all your problem on weight. personally i believe weight by itself won't be enough to attract or repel woman unless you're really really obese. so there's probably another aspect you don't realize

anyway i'd like to hear about other aspect of your life since you said you're well educated, well mannered, fun to be around and have nice personality. do you have alot of female friend?

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-21 14:13 ID:BJEEdmB3

the good thing about being ugly is that when you finally DO find a partner (and ofcourse you eventually will), you can be sure that the partner loves you for who you really are - not your looks.

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-21 14:32 ID:qusgef0K

>>22
As long as you're also poor.

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-21 19:04 ID:Nzi8g1dW

>>21
I think his weight ruined his confidence. Losing weight = improving confidence = girls noticing and complimenting = improving confidence = keep losing weight, and so on.

OP started a virtuous circle, let's hope he keeps it alive as long as possible.

25 Name: OP : 2008-05-22 04:38 ID:kxaF64O3

>>22

I see what you mean.. Although I don't think I am ugly. It's not like one can't look at my face. My true problem is weight and image which I am changing slowly. Yeah there are some facial features that I would like different but can't cry over not being Brad Pitt really...

>>21
I am wearing glasses, have serious facial expression by nature, look (and act according to some) a bit elitistic which somehow scares people away... not just girls, but people in general. It's just happened too many times so it's not just imagining. In addition to losing weight and changing my appearance, I am studying my behavior and others' reactions... My straightforward earnestness in everything I do tends to notably generate some anxiety and discomfort in people. They suddenly try to measure up against me... A girl once told me that I am "out of reach" in many ways and that if she would be in a relationship with me, she would always have to fight against herself and live under the impression that she's never good enough for me... In one way or another that's what I get from most people I know and/or am dealing with for whatever reason. So, yes... sometimes I think that weight is just part of the issue and maybe even marginal. Something else stays in my way obviously. As hard as I try I can never convince people I care about that I am not judging them, trying them or anything like that and I'm not really, but most of them just find it hard to relax in my presence. There's a context to that, of course. I am certainly not bragging about it, but I am a bit of a person others would be envious of. Be it earnestness, intellect or just charisma (obviously not physical), most people I know find it hard to accept me the way I am... So that forced me to go into hiding. But the more I pretend and try to hide my natural complexity and deepness, the more I irritate those around me because they know I am faking it... I can't even try to act stupid and oblivious because they know I am pretending. As any other human being, I guess, I questioned myself whether it's me or them, but lately even though I think that it's their mental filters that don't let them accept me, I realized that the world is not going to change for me... I am the one to adjust.

Don't get the wrong impression.. It's not like I am isolated from the world and people I know.. I socialize quite a lot, eventhough you wouldn't say that from what you read so far. But there's this inevitable reserve people have when they approach me that made me think so low of myself.. I can and will lose weight. I can change my style. I can adjust a bit, but I can't and frankly I don't want to fundamentally change myself just to fit others' reality... It's unfair because I never expect anybody to change what they are. Yet, I seem to always be expected to change, I guess.

And your question about obesity. I am obese yes, but at 6'1'' I am far from extreme obesity... so let's say I am just plump in a lack of better term :) Certainly not something that's so hideous... I see a lot of guys who are quite more obese than me, having girlfriends... And I must apologize because I am not perfect either. I dumped the girl (my first date in whole life) over trivial reasons... I guess I didn't like her enough and now that's coming back at me... And I am whining over the recent failure because of my insecurity...

Ah far too many thoughts on my mind right now.. Sorry for bothering you guys. I think I'll just continue getting rid of my weight and do some more introspective.. As >>22 said it must be more than just that.. And no, I don't have too many female friends, only 2.

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-22 09:06 ID:9QSkqupr

>>25

I'm gonna be honest here, sorry if it stings.

i think you simply lack social skill. can i assume when you socialize you hang out with your friends that share your same interest most of them probably from highschool/ college?

i think it's much better to admit you have a problem and work on fixing it. saying you won't change is like not cutting out a tumor because you think it's a part of you.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-22 13:10 ID:zv5VNHrx

>>26 hath spoken.

Seriously, though, OP - congratulations on the weight loss, please continue this "virtuous cycle." However, your self-assessment sounds flawed (not that we aren't all flawed, but...) you are too charismatic so people don't like you? How does that even make sense? You sound like you're bragging about your personality flaws, even taking pride in the fact that others don't accept you, as if that makes you beautiful and unique.

Forgive me if this is too harsh, I'm just honest like that.

It would help if you could give concrete examples, too, so that we wouldn't get these ideas from your lofty, abstract conclusions.

28 Name: OP : 2008-05-22 13:22 ID:z1ouznaS

>>26

Thanks for your critique and don't feel sorry. I am very open to what 4-channers have to say about this. Otherwise, I would never post here.
Yes, I have a problem, that's for sure. I am now looking on finding exactly what part of my personality generates such avoidance... When I said that I won't change I meant I can't become someone else... Sudden lack of identity would be more grave than this problem. When I said that I socialize, I didn't mean hanging out with my friends. I am able to carry out unforced conversation on probably any topic with a complete stranger. I never feel awkward in such situations and I never lack words. As I said earlier, I am really well-rounded with no geeky/nerdy grimaces or similar awkward behavior. I have an impression that is how you envision me.

Again, thanks.. I will certainly take everything you said in consideration.

29 Name: OP : 2008-05-22 13:51 ID:z1ouznaS

>>27
Thanks.

OK, I see how you got the impression that I sounded like bragging. Call it my defensive mechanism, I guess. It's not like most people are too different from me at that either. But that's not a valid excuse, I know. I am determined to become more open in dealing with my flaws, but when I ask my friends to define them so I can see what I have to deal with, I hit the wall. They say there's nothing wrong. This female friend of mine says that I spend too much time thinking of what I screwed up in life and that I learned to move on by simply ignoring failures. I spoke to her yesterday and she also said that there is nothing inherently flawed about me, except for the fact that I am somewhat pessimistic and even a bit cynical. According to her, I often tend to exaggerate and draw impossible conclusions. That's similar to what I've heard here so it's definitely something I have to work on.

As for examples, I'll give you the stupidest one I experienced. There was a girl in my class two years ago which I became friends with. It's actually her who first approached me and we instantly had common interests and things to talk about. She hinted at the possibility of going out with me. That went on for a while, I got her phone number, but we didn't go out. Instead, we were talking during breaks and so on. I was getting ready to ask her out after the last class period. Before class everything was great as usual. During that damn class period, the professor pointed out in front of everybody that I whooped the class (FYI business class) and had everybody staring at me. Believe it or not, I hate being singled out like that and I don't look at myself as too different from anybody else in that aspect. And then after class I was ready to ask her out and started talking to her... She cut me in the middle and said: "See you, bye!" with an incredibly cold facial expression. She was totally different from before the class or any other time I met her... I met her couple of times after that and she avoided me nonchalantly. What in the heaven's name did I do wrong here? At least she could stay as a friend... I never made her uncomfortable, not that I am aware of... Can one stupid acknowledgment from my professor make people look at me like I fell from Mars? It wasn't just her that looked at me like that...

Bah I don't know.. I'll just lose this freaking weight and see what difference it makes.

Thanks y'all

30 Name: OP : 2008-05-22 14:28 ID:z1ouznaS

>>21

Forgot to ask exactly what fat-burner did you use?

31 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-22 14:33 ID:Heaven

universal's hydroburn. probably not the best but it was on discount. help me lose 6 lbs in 2 weeks when i stop losing weight with diet & exercise alone. it does give me headache and trouble sleeping though so i'm probably gonna stop after i finish this bottle.

32 Name: OP : 2008-05-22 15:05 ID:z1ouznaS

>>31

Thanks, I'll try it. I used Himalaya's AyurSlim in the beginning. That helped me greatly but I don't have it anymore.. I might order some though. But based on your weight loss, I guess it's just the boost I need. Do you monitor your fat vs muscle loss? I have Omron's Fat Monitor. It's very reliable and so far I am mainly losing fat. There was some muscle loss though in the beginning but now it seems to be minimal compared to fat loss. Maybe that's a reason why it slowed down. I already started cutting on fruit and again nothing other than water after 6pm. I'll intensify excercise and brisk walks even more.

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-24 04:18 ID:szSmOoKb

ok so besides the weight loss and general image overhaul there is something else to think about.

Confidence... no girl wants to be around a guy who is not sure of himself and comfortable with who they are... not just physically but inside too. But at the same time cockyness just pisses 90% of girls off.

Know who you are, who you want to be, do what you have to do to make yourself feel comfortable and then just go for it. dont give up just because one girl cant see past your weight... that kind of person is not worth your emotional imput.

Good Luck OW-kun

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-25 02:06 ID:kxaF64O3

>> 33

Thanks a lot. I think that confidence is what I lack the most and you pointed it out. I am changing things about myself that are standing in my way to greater confidence. It's tough, but good things don't come easy in life, I guess...

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