Mixed Signals... (56)

1 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-04-30 04:10 ID:hGU/i/K/

So... lately, I've been hanging out with this girl. We've been getting together about twice a weekend to sit in her dorm and watch anime or television alone. Anyway, as you could probably figure, she's an otaku as well as me.

Anyway, she's said things such as wanting to watch shows with me and how she wants to watch me play FFXIII when it comes out, and I get the feeling she's into me as well.

Then... last week, she sends me an IM. She says she asked a guy out and he turned her down, and I comfort her a little. I kinda suck at this though, and I restrain myself from going "You're an amazingly special girl and I have no idea why anyone would possibly turn you down."

But basically, all of this happens, and then she drops that bomb on me. It just doesn't make sense...

Does anyone know what to make of this?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 07:24 ID:ZvMBT9Sw

Wait..."But basically, all of this happens, and then she drops that bomb on me"

Did she tell you she likes you?

If not...then here's an answer: YOU'RE A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON!!! Wake up and realize she's just a friend to you.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 08:54 ID:axQVThXe

It might be she wanted you to react.

But more probably, it is what >>2 said.

Try your luck or abandon hope.

4 Name: Crusher : 2008-04-30 10:41 ID:wzQJ5Ny5

Girls are tricky, sometimes they say things like that to test you, sometimes they drop hints like that to say, "hey! I really really like you, but not like that, see, I was interested in another guy when you thought I was interested in you."

I'm trying to think of times I maybe have done something similar.

but if she asked him out, one would assume that she is the type to take initiative... >>2 sounds right to me.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 11:08 ID:Heaven

lol friendzoned

6 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-04-30 11:44 ID:hGU/i/K/

Sorry, I meant she dropped the bomb on me by saying that she asked this other guy out. Should have been a bit more clear.

Anyway, while my pessimistic side wants to believe I've been friendzoned, the whole thing just seemed a bit too... weird. She didn't seem all that sincere about it, and well, I am dating a nerd. We're all social engineers at heart.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 11:55 ID:LYAv8VOV

If you're pessimistic & assume you've been friend-zoned, then it's already over, and that's just all it will ever be...

Instead, try taking the initiative, and the next time you see her, say, simply, "I was thinking some more about how bad it was when you asked that guy out and he turned you down, and how unfair that was, since you are an amazingly special girl and I have no idea why anyone would possibly turn you down... Frankly, I'd be honored to ask you out myself..."

And see what happens...

At the worst, she'll say "I don't see you that way, sorry"... At best, either she already likes you, or wouldn't want to disappoint you the same way she got disappointed by the guy she liked, and will say "Sure, why not"...

Either way, it's worth it to try, instead of assuming you're nothing but a friend, and putting yourself in that position just by assuming so...

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 12:08 ID:xLz10trX

>>7 This is really good advice, except for this line :"wouldn't want to disappoint you the same way she got disappointed"?

do we really want a pity-date...

don't think of it that way. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and if she "just wants to be friends," let her.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 13:17 ID:axQVThXe

>>8
Well maybe not a pity date, but a date "for fun" might happen. And if at that time OP plays his cards right, he might get a chance to start building a stronger bond between him and her.

10 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-04-30 14:09 ID:HdjRiXQ5

The question is, would asking her out on a date actually be different than, well, what we already do?

It just seems so confusing, sometimes. There's such a line between dating and not dating, yet they seem so similar.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 14:25 ID:xLz10trX

The difference between dating and not dating is everything you have PLUS kissing and PLUS an opportunity for romance.

I think that's a pretty big difference!

Ideally, love is your best friend + sex, right?

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 14:28 ID:w00gqE9j

Friendzoned.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 17:22 ID:CZfQM4UI

>>10 Yes, so do something out of the ordinary on a date or whatever like kiss her. If she turns away and says the "friend speech" , abandon her RIGHT THERE and never look back again. Shows her! Destroy or be destroyed

14 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-04-30 17:57 ID:HdjRiXQ5

I dunno, I'm not sure I'd be able to do something that risky. It seems... I dunno. Just kinda rubs me the wrong way.

I'm planning on asking her out though, and I'm going to hope for the best. Especially since I've never actually asked someone out ^^;;

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 18:47 ID:9qrjXT8x

want to do it NOW?!! i mean...it's better feeling humiliated and sad than regretting that one moment to say "I like you...would you go out with me."

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 19:06 ID:Kk4fzbTr

Better sooner than later, before you get any deeper into the friendzone!

17 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-04-30 19:55 ID:HdjRiXQ5

You know what, you guys are right. This weekend, I'm going to definitely ask her out.

I'd do it sooner, but I won't see her before then, and this seems like the kind of thing that would be best said in person.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 20:26 ID:Kk4fzbTr

Go for it, Yoshiya! We're rooting for you!

And don't forget to report back here with UPDATES.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-30 21:08 ID:axQVThXe

Godspeed, my friend.

20 Name: soccerfuu9 : 2008-05-02 08:43 ID:IqdMMzAj

(i wonder how he's going to do it)

21 Name: Thunder!3GqYIJ3Obs : 2008-05-02 10:34 ID:wzQJ5Ny5

>>20 actually, me too. WHAT'S YOUR BATTLE PLAN, YOSHIYA?!

22 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-02 13:19 ID:HdjRiXQ5

You know... that's a good question. I haven't exactly figured out yet.

I'm thinking next time we hang out, at the end of the night I'll say something like "So, I really enjoyed hanging around you lately, and I was wondering if you'd go out with me."

I know this isn't exactly a good plan at all though... Someone help please! >_<

23 Name: Thunder!3GqYIJ3Obs : 2008-05-02 13:51 ID:wzQJ5Ny5

hmm... when I think about how I'd want a guy friend to ask me out, my brain comes up with all these silly fantasies.

if she likes you at all it won't matter, though. she'll be happy you asked.

How about something like, "I've really enjoyed the time we spent together...I think you're a really great girl. I was wondering, maybe, if I could get to know you even better...would you go on a date with me?"

something along those lines. Girls like confidence, but anything too over-the-top wouldn't be you, now would it? If you're really nervous, maybe you can laugh it off and say, "if you don't like me that way, that's okay, I like being your friend, too." That way, you kind of protect yourself by saying it before she does. I feel like rejections are a little less painful that way, and it shows her you're a genuinely good guy who isn't just out for her sexually. (Girls are afraid of this.)

24 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-02 16:39 ID:GH9ng3NG

Thanks Thunder! This really helps... I think I'm going to do that. Honestly, you guys are the best!

I'll make sure to report in after it all goes down.

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 16:47 ID:axQVThXe

Best of lucks!

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 18:03 ID:CZfQM4UI

Thunder-Chan makes an appearance in the Yoshiya series. Buy now!

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 18:37 ID:F+BuRdkF

Good luck, I hope it works out!

28 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-04 06:16 ID:hGU/i/K/

Well, time for updates, although honestly it's nothing big. I kinda failed in being able to actually ask her out. More explanation later.

Anyway, I went over to her place as usual, and one of her friends wanted help finding something in the library, so we went and hung out with her for a little bit. I get the feeling her friend could tell I liked her, as she was making a few excuses for us to have physical contact. For instance, her friend said that when she hugs people that it crushes their internal organs, and was like "Show him!" and so I finally got a hug. Sort of. Then, we were sitting on the quad telling random stories and she had one that didn't fit the qualifier of "Happy or hilarious", so friend kept pushing her onto me. I'm not going to lie, it was totally awesome.

Anyway, after that it was standard fair, we watched like 3 hours of Detective Conan, and then right towards the end, her roommate came back, and I didn't get the chance to say anything. I've failed you guys... o| ̄|_

29 Name: Thunder!LYLG6PQxr. : 2008-05-04 06:48 ID:wzQJ5Ny5

hmm...just because you didn't get the chance doesn't mean you didn't have the intent...

try, try again, Yoshiya! It's not like you had an opportunity and then chickened out, right? I'm sure the chance will pop up again, soon, and better sooner than later...

30 Name: soccerfuu9 : 2008-05-04 08:09 ID:mrmZGbYJ

there's always another day. It took me two years before I could date my girlfriend of present...so don't feel pressured.

Just think...if you keep showing how interesting you can be to her, then either a) it builds you confidence to tell her how much you feel about her, or b) she tells you she likes/dislikes you.

Keep on moving kid.

31 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-04 18:38 ID:HlvfdXX5

You didn't fail at all, you actually did pretty good. Like Thunder-chan says, you will get another chance and i'm sure everything will work out.

goodluck.

32 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-05 20:32 ID:HdjRiXQ5

So, a bit of a new complication came up today. I feel so stupid for not realizing it.

Anyway, today I was talking to her over IM, and I realized that she goes back home during the summer. While she doesn't live too far away,(it's only about 3 hours away), I still can't help but feel like I've missed my chance for now. She'll be back next semester, but what if she finds someone else between then and now?

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like a bad idea to ask her out right before she leaves. I should mention that finals start this week, and the end of the semester is next Wednesday.

So, to get back to the real intent of this post, what exactly should I do in this situation? It honestly just seems like it could end really badly if I ask her out this close to when she's leaving for the summer, but I don't want to lose the chance with her. I just don't know what to do...

33 Name: soccerfuu9 : 2008-05-06 03:25 ID:mrmZGbYJ

who gives a fuck about finals!! if you love her...GET HER!! I mean...at this point, it seems like you feel you'll never get another shot with her after summer break. You still have time...and while it might affect both of your concentration towards finals (your consideration, not ours)...it's not a bad idea. You are doing the right thing by confessing. If you don't get her...move on. Make your move soon. Only speaking up will dictate what will happen between you two. Otherwise, a bunch of regret and depression will only be laid out to you.

34 Name: Thunder!rHSj9FAROc!!A7wL4071 : 2008-05-06 08:51 ID:wzQJ5Ny5

Yoshiya, from the way you phrase it, it sounds like you want to do it before she goes home..."what if she finds someone else between then and now?"

It's not a bad idea to tell her you like her before she leaves. That way, if she likes you, you guys can start building an emotional relationship over the summer, and really go out when you come back to school.

If she doesn't, you don't have to see her for a couple of months so you can get over her easier and with less awkwardness.

I think you yourself want to go for it.

And if you don't manage to do it before she goes home for the summer, okay. That's okay, too. just because she goes home doesn't mean you lose contact with her. E-mails, IMs, text messages... You could even tell her over the summer, if you're really afraid of her meeting somebody new.

Go forth with our support, no matter what you do!

35 Name: a man that loves his mr2 : 2008-05-06 09:24 ID:11P7/5Aq

Yoshiya, if you don't want to lose that chance with her, then my opinion is to go for it while you still have that chance. Nothing will change unless you decide to man up and take the initiative to change. But regardless of how long you ponder about that decision, life still moves on, my friend. So you could sit here and read this and ponder what to respond back, or you could be out on a nice stroll with that lady, telling her how you feel.

I sure hope you choose the latter. =D

36 Name: soccerfuu9 : 2008-05-06 09:35 ID:mrmZGbYJ

why are we men not like that though? I have a feeling some of us will turn away from that theory and actually run after our crush, regardless of the situation at hand.

But I agree...if you can be patient...then let her go for the summer. IM is your source for communication...don't let that go. I forgot to mention too...another girl might pop up all of a sudden...so this girl might not be the only "one"

37 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-09 23:35 ID:GH9ng3NG

So... update time

Let's start from the beginning. Last night, I had went over to her dorm. We met up, watched an episode of Stargate, and then she decided that we should go on a walk. We go walking, and we talked about random things. Mostly, we talked about different dreams that she had been having. Anyway, after about an hour, we walked back to her dorm, and we sat around and talked for a while about just random things. After that it would probably be boring to explain, as we watched some some movies. Anyway, soon after, she said she wanted to go to bed, so she walked me out. We talked for a while in the little stairwell next to the door, and then eventually I left because she had to go to the bathroom.

I go out to my car in defeat, and spend about 10 minutes beating myself up. Time for a cut, as I don't know the character limit here.

38 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-09 23:46 ID:GH9ng3NG

Anyway, I sit out in the car, and I realize that I have to tell her then. If I didn't, I probably would never get around to it. I'm shaking out of nervousness, but I call her.

Her: Hello?
Me: Hello! Are you busy right now?
Her: No, not really. I just got out of the shower.
Me: Well... is there anyway you can come out here for a second? I've got something I need to talk about...
Her: Okay! Let me go put on some clothes real quick, it'll be just a minute.

Now, the tone of her voice was really important here, because even after I said that last part, she was still her normal happy self. I was feeling fairly good, as honestly, that last part couldn't mean anything else.

Well, she comes out, and after a quick "Hey!" I get around to it.

"So... name... I've really enjoyed hanging out with you lately, and honestly, you're an amazing girl... I was wondering if you'd go out with me some time so I could get to know you better."

Now, comes the moment of truth...

She looks at me, and says in a completely sincere, not akward at all tone.

"Well, I've found recently I'm not good in relationships, and honestly with my workload as of late, I don't think I want a relationship as I'm not sure I could really handle it. If you want though, we could still go on random dates occasionally, maybe to the movies or out to eat."

It's not word for word, but it's as close as I can recall. Anyway, after that, we talk about random things for a little bit, and she says how lucky I was that I called when I did, as a few seconds earlier she was in the shower, and any later and she'd have been sleeping and not answered. But yeah... that's basically it. I'm not sure what it really means, but it was nice that I finally found out basically where I stand and what she's looking for.

And well... that's what happened.

39 Name: Thunder!rHSj9FAROc!!A7wL4071 : 2008-05-10 00:41 ID:0JkxNHuz

Well, it's not exactly what you wanted, but still, CONGRATULATIONS!! It's not a rejection, and maybe you can slowly bring her around.

What's most important is that you got the balls to do it, however. That sort of experience is invaluable.

40 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-05-10 03:34 ID:GH9ng3NG

Oh, Definitely! I know it wasn't yes, but it wasn't a rejection, and it seems like I may have some possibility in the future. If not, at the very least, it's not awkward.

Worst case scenario, we're still friends.

41 Name: Korra : 2008-05-10 05:19 ID:nHYIUyFK

It's a cold and complex way of saying "Yeah, for sure"...

Anyway, congratulations!

42 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-10 06:06 ID:RBUkub1L

Yeah, congratulations! Too bad, this probably won't happen to me...

43 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-11 01:28 ID:shyU1xYw

Congratulations ^_^ I hope it all works out for you. You sound excited about this, and you should be! (XD There need to be more men like you in the world. It would make the whole relationship thing so much easier for us girls.) Actually, this story kind of makes my day, after all the depressing break up stories I've heard.

44 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-08-24 21:09 ID:abM9RfCm

Okay, I know it's been a while, but I kind of need advice... again. It's about the same girl, so I figured I'd suck it up and revive this one.

Anyway, after last post, I didn't see her again until yesterday. She moved back home for the summer, and we talked a bit on IM. It was a bit more sporadic than usual, mainly because she was always really busy. Anyway, about halfway through, she called me out of the blue, and ever since she called me ever wednesday and thursday on her way to work (she only worked 2 days a week). She'd call me randomly besides that, but those two times a week were always guaranteed.

Anyway, that basically continued all summer, and then just yesterday she moved back in. I met her parents, and we went shopping for a few things, hit up the game stores, and then we went to get some dinner and I dropped her back off for the night.

Continued next post...

45 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-08-24 21:18 ID:abM9RfCm

Anyway, the big thing is... absolutely nothing is different than before. And while that's all fine and dandy, it's absolutely confusing to me. I have absolutely no idea where I stand with this girl.

The thing that strikes me as really odd though is the fact that basically anyone we talked to just kind of assumed we were going out. For instance, one of her friends was like "Whoah, who is this man you've got!" and then afterwards asked us how we met. Her roommate also made it a point to leave us alone not long after she got there.

Despite all of this though, she's giving me absolutely nothing. I mean, we talked, have a good time, we can make each other laugh, but I have no idea what to do. I don't really want to try anything to risky in case she doesn't like me, but doing nothing never solves anything.

46 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-08-25 04:43 ID:6rW9dTg5

Glad to have some news from you!

Well, what can I say... maybe you should try occasionally flirting a bit with her. Especially when there are friends around, it makes it less awkward. Be playful and funny. Don't be forceful, but show her you're still on the hit. Also, it might confuse her a little. Confusion leads to destabilisation which in turn leads to increased interest. Don't be too obnoxious though as it might turn her away.

By the way, if everyone assumes you're together then, there's a possible chance that there's something taking place. Oftentimes, people around you notice even before you that things are getting off between couples. Give it time... but stay on the lookout for hints. Since you've already sorta showed your feelings, she will probably be afraid of being awkward if she ever made her mind.

Hope things go well for you, best wishes!

47 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-08-26 15:42 ID:HdjRiXQ5

I'll try flirting some next time I see her. Hopefully it doesn't go too terribly, as I'm not really all that great at it...

Anyway, I think you may have hit the nail on the head with the awkwardness thing. I still find it kind of weird that she's mentioned a few times that she likes giving hugs, gives hugs to all her friends whenever she sees them, yet wants to see me almost every day for long periods of time and still... no hug =/

48 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-08-27 20:26 ID:pF1Rrhi1

an anon with the balls to say something to he girl? im interested.
keep us updated!

49 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-08-28 03:41 ID:abM9RfCm

Well, we're going to see each other on Friday. It shouldn't seem like such a big deal to me, as we have hung out fairly often since back in March, but for some reason I'm really anxious. If anything exciting happens friday, I'll keep you guys posted.

Out of curiosity, do you guys have any like... tips? Basically, I don't want this to stay where it's at right now. Last spring nothing really progressed until I told her how I felt, and after that she went back home for summer break. It feels different now than it did back in the April, but I'm still kind of worried we'll just stay where we are right now and I'll still have no idea where I stand.

As always, thanks for the support guys. You have no idea how much you've all helped me.

50 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-08-28 08:03 ID:CBO5AFAm

Just ask her if she still feels the same way as she did back when you asked her out or if her feelings have changed at all. Depending on her response you will know where to take things from there.

51 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-01 10:27 ID:zvbskoO7

>> 50,

it is clear that her feelings did not change since your confession, or else she wouldn't have called you. And about the hugs thing, if she hugs all her friends but you, then you're not her any other friends (does she hug other guy friends too?)

i think you should initiate contact, and just ask her for a hug. and make it a regular thing that you guys do when you guys meet. get a hug from her.

the thing with you telling her before the summer break, leaves her unsure too probably if you still feel the same way for her. But since all her friends jokes about you two together, and it's likely that she's told her friends and she's happy about it. :) awwww, don't worry, relationships take time, don't rush into things until she's ready.

when going out, just hold her hands. :)

52 Name: Yoshiya : 2008-09-01 21:34 ID:CrMujLd4

>>51

Yeah, from what I've seen she gives her guy friends hugs too. That said, I haven't seen her around many of her guy friends.

Anyway, I think I'll try for a hug next time I see her but like... I guess I don't know how to do it without seeming weird. I almost feel like she'll think I'm creeping for initiating it, despite that whenever I leave it always kind of seems like she wants to give me one. It seems to high-school to say it, but hand-holding seems like a huge step as well.

I guess I just don't want to move too fast and scare her off... o| ̄|_

53 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-02 00:29 ID:9JYqkTcW

>>52
One good way to get a hug is, when you meet her, wave both your hands in the air acting all overhyped, and then wide open your arms, maybe shouting "wooohooohooo". It must look playful and deliberate, and most people will fall in the trick (at least in my part of the world). Hell, it even happens that I do it for kicks with male friends that I haven't seen in a while.

The thing is, when you have her in your arms don't let go, hug her and laugh. And before letting go do the "extra hug" where you hug her slightly stronger before releasing your arms, and see if she answers that.

Then try to hold yourself together and act like it's nothing important. This will spare you a moment of awkwardness and will help making it somewhat casual thus leading to more hugging opportunities.

54 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-02 13:30 ID:abM9RfCm

>>53
What part of the world are you in? Maybe I'm picturing it wrong, but that seems like it would make you look insane....

55 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-03 10:59 ID:zvbskoO7

ha ha ha... don't think >>53 is impossible..

don't think it looks insane... but.. :S

"woohoohooo"? for no reason at all? if you do that, must have something to explain why you're so hyped up!
-not a bad idea at all though.

personally, i think if she is the type who likes to give people hugs, i'm assuming she likes touch... and touching people. I mean, like some people don't like to touch or be touched, and she's not like that. So I think she is probably waiting for you to touch her. You know how it is with some girls... they don't really want to initiate --- they want the guy to do it.

-don't think you guys are moving too fast... she's prob waiting for it. ;) but then, if you wait too long, ha ha maybe she'll get so desperate, she initiate it first. OR she might take interest in another guy! Haha, i'm so evil.

56 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-03 13:44 ID:Heaven

>"woohoohooo"? for no reason at all? if you do that, must have something to explain why you're so hyped up!

Just tell her you're on crack!

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