[improvement] Is it possible to win her back? [strategy] (14)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-04 05:53 ID:Rm606zk4

Hey /love/,

After months of loyal service, I come to you with my own little story.

Here it is: there's a girl I love (yeah! original start!). At the beginning of the year, I had to move away from the town I was studying in and where I met her. We had been hanging out with friends for some time, but it's just before before moving out that I realized I was really falling in love with her; but then it was probably too late.

A close friend of mine would be regarded as the "alpha male" of the group. Usually I couldn't care less, but this time I decided to make a stand, and somehow he told me he'd back off on this one (he's the kind of guy to hump every cute girl that passes by, so I guessed that he would try something with her). In the end, the wrong was already done when I told him that, because she had already started to fall for him. I did my best (at that time) to outstand him in her eyes; but it was too late.

Well, after I moved out (I still go there often, it's not that far and most of my party friends are still there), I had a chat with her. I was already quite down and depressed, and when she started telling me she was frustrated because she couldn't see the group of friends that night, I maneuvered and managed to have confirmation that she had a crush on him. And then (here comes the really stupid part) I awfully panicked and more or less indirectly told her that I loved her (yyyyeeah, nice timing stupid boy). Well she said sorry, and asked me not to depress (obviously). Apart from that, she didn't give much feedback; I just know that she spoke about that to a common friend we have. I don't really know how she took it, but she didn't avoid me afterwards or anything, and we still communicate.

She still managed to be with him for a few weeks, but he quickly became bored of her (she was "too attached" when he was looking for someone to fuck and that's it) and cut communications. They broke up. She got quite depressed of course. The thing is, she had planned to go for a few months to work overseas. She was dreading the moment she'd had to go, but in the end she was happy to have this as an escape route of sorts.

Well whatever. The girl awakened something inside me. I decided to pick myself up, and stop being the support cast. I changed my style a bit (with 99% of the encountered people telling me it suits me way better, females especially, one even told me she'd date me right now if she wasn't engaged lol). I lost 10kgs (even if I was far from overweight, I had the what you can call a "beer stomach") and started exercising regularly again. It's not much but I'm starting to have little bumps between my skin and my bones. Oh the novelty!

I also changed my mindset a lot. Actually, it started to change by itself, I just had to push it a little bit. I've become more confident, and somehow I'm overall more naturally happy than I've been for the past years. More "in phase", attuned with myself. Really, I feel great. I feel like I'm slowly acquiring some traits of my "alpha" friend that were previously out of my reach, while keeping the qualities I have and that will probably remain out of his reach. And actually, I think that the inner strenght I had when I was waaaaaay younger and that got a bit toned down with the time and some not-so-good events, just waited for something like this to happen to spring back to life.

(tbc)

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-04 05:54 ID:Rm606zk4

(part 2)

The situation as of now: I still love her. She's moving back in a few days, and I'll be in study-town around that time (summer party time, woohay!). We're still good friends; nothing more I guess. And the thing is I really want to find a way to slightly change the status quo. Now of course I can't go the direct route, this was a failure once (and I might need to find a way to apologize for that, although as of now I kind of think I need to stop apologizing for my mistakes). I'll need to be more subtle than that.

I also need to find how her feelings evolved towards the other guy (I already know he doesn't even considerate her as an ex-girlfriend (and had to take a walk not to punch him in the face when he said that casually to me and our friends)), and if she still pursues him find a way to down his value in her eyes. Even if it's not me ending up with her, I prefer not seeing her hurt again by a close friend.

I changed my attitude quite a bit already (I'm a bit more "agressive", I think you could say) so my friends got used to this (and I'm a bit more playful with my female friends, too). What I need to do is indirectly show her how my intrinsic value has raised over the past months. Then, if I manage to spark a bit of interest, I should try to make her understand that she still has an opening with me.

I think in order for this to work, I have to be a bit more distant with her. Nothing "evil", just a little cool-off from time to time, so that if I indeed manage to spark her interest (which I think will be the hardest part), she understands she can win me back but that she has to get involved and it's not all done.

Also, even though I hold her dearly in my heart, I think I'm ready to move on - I won't wait forever for her. I thought about that one, and I really don't want to seem clingy, desperate, or anything; even if knew, to be honest, that if something had to happen between us, and unless I meet another awesome person like her, she'd probably have the priority. Still I'd play by the rules and do the things the right way. I haven't became a complete asshole, heh. I also probably can keep her as a good friend without hurting too much (I'm quite mature on this point) even though I know I'll probably cringe a bit if she finds another dude, well, I know it won't be that bad. If it's for her best, whatever!

Overall, this will have contributed to make me a better person, I think. Well, I mainly needed to lay that all down and thought that I'd share it with you /love/rs, after all, most of you feed on drama don't you? If you have any thoughts or advice, please share. I've got a bit less than two weeks to prepare for the battle, and must admit that even if I have the greater lines of my battle plan (which might not be perfect either), I still lack some more precise tactics. By the way, I fear no defeat. I've accepted the fact that this is probably a battle lost before it begun (I say it now because I know otherwise some of you will do it), but I've got nothing to lose in the process, and I'm determinated to fight!

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-04 09:10 ID:rpe/WaSX

quite common story around here i think. it always end up in failure getting out of friendzone is borderline impossible but if you succeed good for you, it might give others the courage to follow your step and try again. good luck and keep us updated

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-04 11:52 ID:d4FEwoLb

It is possible. Good luck man.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-04 16:35 ID:Xvicxoc/

If you're all of a sudden hotter/more confident, she's probably going to have to reconsider you all over again. Especially if you show you can treat her better than your jackass friend.

I think it's possible! Keep us updated!

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-05 02:15 ID:Lq1gAK/h

why apologize? For saying that you liked her? I don't think it was a mistake on your part or anything... so I don't think there's a need to apologize.

When she returns... just make sure you don't seem too available; treat her as a casual friend... and it'll probably turn out that she'll be thinking about you day and night... trying to figure out if you still like her. get her to keep guessing~!

When she does forget her ex, and is attracted to you... you would know wouldn't you?

7 Name: OP : 2008-06-05 03:07 ID:Rm606zk4

Thanks for the support everyone!

>>3
I know that it's borderline impossible, but borderline impossible isn't impossible. And I'm not afraid of "failure", at worst, nothing will happen. I love her enough not to be desperate for her (yeah, I know it sounds strange, but it's how I feel).

>why apologize? For saying that you liked her?

For saying it at possibly the worst time possible, and coming out probably way too strong and freaking out a bit (even if I handled that not so bad, I think). Seriously, it was borderline pathetic, I think, even if I'm not sure she thought it was. But you're right, I shouldn't even apologize for that. I'll just act like it's the past and well, if the subject ever pops up I'll just drop a word about how I think I shouldn't have said it in this situation.

Yeah, I did nothing wrong, apologizing for nothing would be a sort of demonstration of weakness. And that would be just totally counterproductive.

>When she returns... just make sure you don't seem too available; treat her as a casual friend...

Yeah, that's what I'm planning to do. If I can manage to have her wonder "does he still love me?", I get her imagination to work for me.

>and it'll probably turn out that she'll be thinking about you day and night...

Haha, I wouldn't put a 'probably' here, but if you say so, let's hope so :)

>When she does forget her ex, and is attracted to you... you would know wouldn't you?

Yeah, I guess so. I've been oblivious to lots of things by the past, but now I'm really more "socially aware", ie changes of attitude and such. I pay more attention to details, too.

Also, I have on my side the "common friend" whom I talked about, because we got really closer these past weeks, and is probably the only person to get to hear both sides of the stories. He's been quite supportive, so I guess if he notices something I didn't, he'd tell me. Well, there's another friend who has been very supportive when I talked about that issue with him, but he got very drunk just afterwards and obviously doesn't remember a thing of the evening. Haha.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-05 08:53 ID:6at6we85

OP, I skipped right to the last post, and it's clear to me that whatever is going on, you need to step back and inconspicuously avoid the girl. Right now you're in hyperactive-thinking anxiety mode. Nothing you do will be smooth or thought through properly.

9 Name: OP : 2008-06-05 11:45 ID:Rm606zk4

>>8
What do you mean? I know I'm being very enthusiastic about this (and all of the rest too, actually), but it's a state of mind I'm kinda working to maintain (positive thinking and all that stuff). And I've not (yet) been diagnosed with manic-depressive behaviour, hehe. Do you think it's really that much of an issue?

That said, it's true that I'm accumulating high levels of energy, and I probably need to lay back a little from time to time so I don't lose control... I don't know.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-06 01:36 ID:tfguarVN

It seems to me that you still as obsessed with her as you were before and you're just telling yourself things have changed. I can because you aren't pulling away to let go, you're pulling away so she'll notice.

You're probably really be able to move on when you meet someone else.

Off topic here, if a girl confessed to you and you had ZERO attraction to her, I mean you never even LOOKED AT HER and then suddenly she started acting distance, would you even care?

11 Name: OP : 2008-06-06 03:48 ID:Rm606zk4

>>10
Well, I'm not telling she isn't one of my main concerns right now, but I also have a fuckton of other things to do, too. I'm not sitting on my bed all day long thinking about her. And I do have a look around (something that I'd never do before), and am meeting new people and on the look for opportunities. But that said, it is true that I usually have high standards, and that few people meet them. But this girl does, that's why I value her most. So now she's coming back, I want to see if I can try something before really 'dropping the case'. And I think you misunderstood me; I'm not "pulling away" at all. How to say that... I'm more doing thinking about doing some kind of push/pull, that's it.

>Off topic here, if a girl confessed to you and you had ZERO attraction to her, I mean you never even LOOKED AT HER and then suddenly she started acting distance, would you even care?

I think if she changed her style in a drastic manner that improved her looks a lot, and improved her personality too (less insecure, more open, I don't know), hadn't the chance to see her for a while, and then saw her again and she acted like that it's probable. Though I don't know what you call "acting distant"; if you mean it literally, then I guess I would wonder if she has a grudge against me. If you mean in a push/pull fashion and if I think she is now "worth it", I'd probably be intrigued. Which, I figured out, is a nice shortcut to "attracted". Just so you know, it happened to me before, though she had a boyfriend by that time. I didn't suddenly fall in love with her, but was ready to reconsider giving her a chance, hehe.

Back on topic, I will normally go and spend a week or two in Study-town starting the middle of next week. Before any of you asks or says so, I'm not going there just for her, I have lots of friends back there and it's an awesome town for nights out and parties. But yeah, she is supposed to come back around the time I'll be there, so I will see her. I don't really know how much connectivity I'll get (I still don't know at which friend's house I'll be sleeping, although I think it'll probably at the one of our common friend), but I'll do my best to keep you posted. Whatever happens, there should be some interesting stuff going on.

12 Name: OP : 2008-06-11 03:15 ID:Rm606zk4

k, bump.

A few days ago the girlie told me she was coming back soon and said "see you when you're around town!". Today, she told me on MSN that she finally was back, and will be busy for the next few days. Which is perfect, because I'm going there tomorrow, so I'll do stuff with my friends and not her first. I'll sleep at that common friend's house I've talked about. That said, I'm definitely seeing her over the days to come.

These last days I trained myself to casually compliment girls in a sort of "uncaring" way; freebies, if you will. I also experimented on how I could turn some of these into non-explicit innuendos, and on how to mix compliments with light sarcasm to provide contrast. Yeah, I guess I'm just learning how to flirt, I know... but anyway this might prove useful. I also got another confidence boost by some stuff girls said to me (or about me) lately.

I'm still pretty sure of what I want: the best for her. And I'm still determinated to do whatever necessary to be that best - and to make her realize that. It's still ok if it doesn't work out, though; I'm prepared to a more than possible defeat, and I don't fear it. This will probably be the last stand though; if when I come back really nothing happened (or didn't happen well), I'm probably dropping the case and keeping her as a friend. But over the next days, this is out of question, and my focus will be sharp on getting her to a more than a friend status.

Well, I don't know if people are interested in this, but I'll try to keep you updated from the front, even if I'm really not sure this will be possible. Anyway, I'll be back on the the last week of june!

13 Name: OP : 2008-07-20 21:03 ID:Heaven

Looks like no one was interested in this. However if someone reads the logs or whatever: no, didn't work out. Although I probably managed to get a bit closer, she somehow ended up with another friend of mine. This happened over the last month, I sensed it from far away after I came back (she was introduced to him while I was there). Just got the confirmation today.

Well, whatever.

14 Name: OP : 2010-06-04 15:34 ID:Heaven

And for further information, as someone else on this board reminded me of that thread today, didn't last long with that other friend mentioned in >>13. She then moved to another country, and is now with a guy there, who isn't really interesting, is very possessive (borderline creepy), and who guys of our entourage generally consider lightyears away from what they'd imagine for her.

She changed a bit, as we all do, and I'm disappointed to say that it's probably not in the right direction. She's still a good person overall, but far from what she could've been...

Anyway, following an epiphanic dream, I have no more "real" feelings for her. She's still a friend, but I don't think she's even that close anymore. Took me something like a little less than a year to totally get over her after my last post.

So to those in my situation, here's my advice: go all-in, crash and burn. If it works, well, good job, I'm still convinced it can happen, but don't get your hopes too high. If it doesn't, well, the earlier you do it, the earlier you'll be over it. Oh, and don't stand back and idealize that person - if you do this, it's going to be really hard to let go.

Try your best, but never forget it's a real person with her flaws you're facing; and realize that at some point, you will simply have to let go.

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