Should I stay or should I go? (13)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-14 03:20 ID:2O5YL0tB

So here's the story, /love/:

I'm a young female in her early 20's, just graduated from college, who has never been in a serious relationship. I'm passingly pretty - I don't get seriously chased, but I've been hit on IRL, and I've been on multiple dates. But I have never had a boyfriend. Six months ago, I met a guy through RP'ing online.

This guy had a long-distance girlfriend at the time we met, which was cool, and even though we did sex-based RP (because she refused to with him), she kind of knew about me as his "other" RP partner. Things were dandy, we kept our relationship separate, since we played multiple characters, and it really was just RP and not cybering.

Well, as these stories usually go, things got complicated. As we got to know each other, I revealed more and more of myself to him due to our similar obscure interests, even revealing my dark emotional baggage - that many of my RL friends don't know. Not only did he accept me, he wanted to take care of me for them. We formed a deep emotional attachment...I have never met anybody who knew me so completely, who understood who I was and the things I needed and wanted to give them to me. We spend hours talking on the phone, and we've talked practically every day for the past two weeks.

Today he revealed that he has fallen in love with me. (And yes, he would leave his girlfriend for me.)

Here's the BUT: he lives on another continent.

He says he cares about me too much...and we can't continue this...whatever it is...anymore. Because it's too painful for him to have just part of me and not all of me, and that frightens him. He's afraid he'd try and take me away from everything I know - my friends, my family, and my life -and I'd let him, and eventually resent him for it. I am willing to do anything to continue having him in my life, because over these past several months, he has become essential to me.

I know the way to remedy it is to go see him, to prove my feelings are true...but he lives on another continent. It would be one thing if he were local, or even in my country. But another continent...that's just frightening.

I have post-grad plans, friends, a family, all my life is here. I can't give that up to run away with some guy I met on the internet. At the same time, I feel like I can't give him up, because he is the first guy I've met that I've truly cared for, only for the person he is, no matter what he looks like (I admit, I'm usually shallow, and he's not my type at ALL).

He says just a visit is okay, but considering international airfare is $2k...yeah. It's a huge decision. And what if it doesn't work out, and then I'm stuck in another country for three weeks or however long it would be?

I'm so scared, and logically I know this doesn't make any sense. I know it sounds crazy and stupid. At the same time, I feel like this could really be something special, you know?

and part of me wonders if I'm just desperate not to lose this special friendship/relationship that I have...I've never trusted anybody like this before, have never felt so completed by anybody before...but my friends and family would disapprove...I wonder if this is doomed and should I just give up.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-14 08:09 ID:o+xNwByW

well don't give up. $2k can be saved, especially if it's someone you really care about (idk how much more your expenses would be though). you really can't make any long-term plans unless you get on well with him irl.

and you forgot to mention if it would be any easier if he came to your continent?

also: it's not really running away if you only visit for a few weeks. think of it as an expensive vacation or something. i think you should go for it if you can.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-14 09:52 ID:tMZEbqRg

If you "think" you're in love, don't do it. I'd go to another continent if I found someone special for me no matter what the cost, hell, i'd be excited to go.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-14 14:04 ID:Sspefl9N

Distinguish between sex-RP and cybering.

Anyway, I'm not usually one to condone internet relationships, but I guess like >>2 said, save up. Treat it as a holiday. If it doesn't work out, and both of you aren't what you imagined to be, then that's fine. At least you confirmed it yourself, instead of thinking "what could have been". I'd be more worried about it working out. Because then things would get tricky.

5 Name: H.K. : 2008-06-14 14:47 ID:m17FWoTK

Don't give up.
If for one second you feel in your heart that it could be something special, then you shouldn't give up. Like >>3 said, if you think you're in love, don't do it, because it might be something special that could lead to a lot of happiness down the road. If you feel he is unique by knowing you so much, and he desires to give you the kinds of love you need, then you shouldn't doubt for a minute. No matter how far away, never doubt love.
Of course you're scared, because it is a big deal to travel to another continent. You have every right to be. But you should really make sure, and think very carefully before going if you doubt for one minute that something may not work out.
If you feel so completed, so full of trust by this guy, then that is your very personal feelings, and your friends and family cannot change that. If they dissaprove, then they do. But it's your choice altogether. Never let someone, no matter how close to you, try and change your ideas or judgments about love or what could be love. Because you never know what could be, and the best thing to ever trust in, is your own heart.

-HK

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-14 17:20 ID:2O5YL0tB

Hey guys. OP here. I just got off the phone with him. I told him that I wanted to go for it...but the type of commitment he wants, at this point in my life, I am not prepared to give. Yes, I can say yes to a month of visiting, but anything more than that (he said maybe going for six months to a year of studying there...) I couldn't even envision. I live my life from moment to moment right now, and my main concern is getting into grad school, etc, to continue on with my life. I can't even see ahead one year into the future, nevermind three or four.

He said the one month visit is possible, but if I can't do it now, then he can't wait for me....he said he needs me too much, and a half-commitment is no commitment at all.

Right now I'm devastated and heartbroken. I have not stopped crying since yesterday when he told me. I know I might never meet anybody like him again...but at the same time, I couldn't give him what he needed from me. So, this thread is now about getting over heartbreak, guys.

7 Name: 43 : 2008-06-15 01:27 ID:+QQFjo4i

>>6

When I'm heart broken is usually due to an argument so my advice might not be useful for you but I'll give it anyway:

-I tell to myself I don't need anyone for I wasn't born attached to anybody, I was born attached to a placenta and I got rid of it already.

Cheer up, just because things don't work the way both of you would like them to work doesn't mean that in the future (maybe after college) you wont be able to be together or solve it some other way.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-15 16:42 ID:Sspefl9N

>>6
He sounds instable and unreliable. Seriously, first of all, why does it have to be you who has to make the sacrifice? 6 months to a year?? He's already calling the shots and trapping you into a contract, not a relationship. Sure you can go now. IF HE PAYS fumes. Second of all, what right does he have to pressure you like this? If his love was really that great, then couldn't he wait for you? I would rather spend time feeling heartbroken for a few weeks or so, rather than throwing my next 6 months of my time in the hands of someone I've never met irl. He is being unreasonable and selfish.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-16 06:50 ID:491nlBzd

>>8 is completely right. Ever hear the saying true love is patient? I know of a girl who met a guy online and just like you, SHE went to see him. She ended up getting pregnant and hes turning up to be a complete deadbeat who doesn't want to get a job.

Now I don't believe in online relationships, maybe only in the case if it was local. And your story reaffirms what I feel. This is going to get long, but bare with me please.

I feel OP that since you've never had a relationship before you desperately want this to work. I understand how that feels! But you've got to see through this guy's bullsh*t! He's already saying he wants to pull you away from your life.... when in truth a relationship should add to your life, not just him or everyone else. Also he's giving you an ultimatum. That isn't fair at all, why won't he come to see you?

And as much time you've chatted and talked on the phone, YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. His true colors are already showing and being alone in a different country with him does not sound smart. If he was a real man, he would be saving to see you. Cut him off.

10 Name: OP : 2008-06-16 12:33 ID:2O5YL0tB

Okay, this is OP again :( Newest update is that one day after we said goodbye "forever," he called me up again and said he realized he couldn't be without me, even if it's painful. He said he wants to try to make it work, and I don't have to think about the future, just the trip is enough.

So I don't know.

Those of you who think I'm being dicked around, I know that's what it sounds like! ...At the same time, I still really really want to go though. Am I being stupid?

>>9, you hit on all my fears exactly...I do desperately want this, because it feels like my first real taste of love after all the BS I've been through, just from casual dating RL.

I think he won't come see me because he wants to take care of me and provide for me while I'm there, which is kind of the nature of our relationship...he can't do that if I'm hosting.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-19 12:35 ID:Sspefl9N

>>10
No, no, no. Providing and taking care of you is all well and good, if he was your boyfriend, or someone you could at least trust. By accepting his apparent "hospitality", you're putting yourself in debt to a complete stranger. I'm sorry to say, but it's true, you've never met the guy in real life. It's just gonna be hard for you to break out of the relationship if it doesn't turn out (and possibly tricky for him). As I said before, if you go over there, and even START to depend on him, then you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. You don't have any relatives or support networks over there for you to fall back on, so you're pretty much in his hands.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-30 14:34 ID:CTt0btQh

if he's already giving ultimatums and being so serious and dramatic, there is a high likelihood that he is possessive and potentially emotionally and/or physically abusive. don't put yourself under the power of someone you barely know.

if you MUST see him, let him visit you, or meet him in a neutral location, and don't go alone.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-06-30 20:36 ID:Heaven

>>12
I think you're seeing a bit far there. No need to be that overanalytic, seriously. Guys might be desperate for love sometimes without being complete psychos.

That said, I believe that the best would be that he visits. And if he saved money, why couldn't he be providing even if you're hosting?

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