I'll keep it simple. The girl I devoted 6 years of my life to, who has come by less and less for months (long story I won't get into) came by to tell me she's engaged today. After all I've done for her sake, I feel like absolute shit.
She asked me to be her best man, girls don't have best men but she doesn't want it any other way. She's getting married in 3 months, how do I go to her wedding with a smile?
How do I even wake up tomorrow?
Man, fuck that shit. I would say no. She's only doing this selfishly to smooth over any guilt she has of passing you over. Just be honest and direct. If you're honest with how you feel, she'll be more honest with you. In all honesty and fairness, how can she expect you to show up at her wedding with a smile, and do some bullshit cute "bride's best man" crap? I mean, seriously. I would say that at the very least it's a very bad idea to invite an ex to your wedding.
We went on a date only once. She knows how I feel about her, she always has, well 6 years anyway. I've been her best friend for years, she constantly tells me so. Any attempt at romance is strictly forbidden on my part, she refused to ever give me a chance. Always gave me the line "I'm not looking for anyone" or "I can't get married". You know? Lied.
Why the hell is my Verification code "joy"? Yeah, fuck you too God
I don't have any experience dating or having a mutual loving relationship, but I do know what it's like to be absolutely in love with your best friend for years only to have it be fully unrequited. You have to ask yourself if you will be able to remain friends with her after she is married without feeling your soul being crushed every time you think of or see her. Or worse, see her with her husband. My guess is that it will be difficult if not impossible. I'm also guessing that a major factor in your remaining friends with her for six years and likely devoting a lot of your time and energy to making her happy as well as presumably keeping yourself from entering in a serious relationship with someone else has been hinged on the hope that the two of you would eventually become something more than just friends. With that possibility no longer there, it's going to be different. It also sounds like you feel she lied to you, and indeed she did. That's got to breed some resentment.
Personally, if the friend I'm in love with told me he was getting married, a black hole would open in my heart and I would not be able to remain friends with him. That's pretty selfish, but I'm in love with him and have been in love with him for quite some time. I want to be more than friends and if that door of opportunity were sealed for good, it would be too painful and I'd walk away.
You can't make yourself fall out of love with some one. And after 6 years of platonic devotion, hoping, wishing and waiting, I don't think you'll be happy standing up there next to her as she pledges herself to someone else.
But, if you can look past all of that and can be truly content with just being friends, then go for it. It may actually work for you. You're hurting now, but some soul searching and deep contemplation may change your mind. But if you cannot, don't feel bad about it. It's obvious that she was never just a passing fancy for you. You've been yearning to have a meaningful romantic relationship with her for more than half a decade. It's not something a person can just shake off.
Ultimately it's up to you and what you're able and willing to do; both for her, but also (and much more importantly at this point), for yourself. Keep us updated and great luck.
I held her for hours while she cried after she got dumped by that bastard she was dating so many years ago, she called me from the hospital after she OD'd on medication trying to kill herself, she told me about when her step dad raped her as a child and how she always felt guilty, she hid out at my place every day for months when her roommate started dating her ex and she couldn't take it, when she tried to kill herself a second time she came to see me first, I was there for everything. I would do anything for her, I always said so, I always meant it. I've told her how I felt about her a dozen times, I would never betray her, do anything to make her happy. She always said she wasn't interested in dating or being with a guy.
I was happy when she told me tonight, I acted happy, what else could I do, she said he's the nicest guy she's ever known. What am I then? Guess I wasn't a very nice guy after all.
I feel like shit, absolute shit. How do people move on from this? How do I even think of another girl? Can I? She's everything to me, what happens now?
did you wathc man of honour?
this story just reminded me of that. Watch it, and see if you can do the same thing.
sry the movie was called made of honour.
Oh my god, you are the archetypal beta.
>>7 exact same thought.
Forget it, and give yourself credit for being a good person. It's not going to count for nothing. Maybe she didn't appreciate your efforts as much as you hoped, but you'll have grown from it. Don't let this turn you into a bitter bastard.
Whatever you do, refuse the wedding stuff.
First, this isn't a role that should be asked to someone who is or has been romantically involved with the groom or the bride - some very rare cases excepted.
Secondly, the wife's best man? Honestly? She's giving you a role where she should pick up a woman. This says long about how she considers you.
I actually had a similar problem up until recently.
My advice? Just tell her to fuck off. Not in those words, but she's stabbed you in the back. You've spent a lot of time trying to support her through some really shitty times in her life. Now she's getting married. If that makes you feel really uncomfortable, it wouldn't really be right to show up.
>>11
It's those who come after the Alphas got their meal and grab the pieces they left.
>>13
So telling her I loved her from the beginning, asking her out multiple times, telling her how I felt till the end, and having her tell me she wasn't interested for years makes me a beta?
I did everything for that girl and she knew it. What am I supposed to do different, kill the guy she's with? She didn't even go out with anyone for 4 of those 6 years, the ex who dated her roommate and the bastard who left her are the same guy so she knew a total of 1 guy she dated other than me, she didn't even meet this guy she's with now until last year through a church function.
She hid in a corner and locked herself away from the whole world refusing contact from anyone but me, it scared her old friends, they would come to me to ask how she was doing. The fact she knew anyone outside of me is surprising.
So thanks, you know nothing.
>>14
So, it's established that you've been "a good person." Still, it's made you a pansy too.
I'd refuse to be the maid of honor. If you do stand up there and force a smile at everyone through the entire wedding day, she'll make you her back-up pansy all through her marriage as well.
>So telling her I loved her from the beginning, asking her out multiple times, telling her how I felt till the end, and having her tell me she wasn't interested for years makes me a beta?
Yep. That's the way it works. Sorry.
>I did everything for that girl and she knew it. What am I supposed to do different, kill the guy she's with?
lol, that would be one way. Do you have a good lawyer?
>She didn't even go out with anyone for 4 of those 6 years, the ex who dated her roommate and the bastard who left her are the same guy so she knew a total of 1 guy she dated other than me, she didn't even meet this guy she's with now until last year through a church function.
Sounds like you've been investing your time in a horrendously unattractive Christian. Nice work.
>She hid in a corner and locked herself away from the whole world refusing contact from anyone but me, it scared her old friends, they would come to me to ask how she was doing. The fact she knew anyone outside of me is surprising.
So what? If you want to talk to the depressed, train to be a therapist. If you hadn't been there to help her she'd have found some other chump. Sounds like you threw away 6 years of your life for this girl - guess you didn't have anything better to do though, right?
>So thanks, you know nothing.
Dude, we hear this sort of story all the time.
So what was I to do then? When a girl tells you not to see her and then 3 months later comes crying at your door what would you do? When she refuses to give you her phone number or address because she doesn't want contact from anyone do you respect it or act like an asshole?
It sounds like what you saying is unless you treat girls like shit you won't get one. That so often seems the case unfortunately, seems assholes always get girls. Well, I dated 3 other girls in the last 6 years, even asked one to marry me but she said no, had another ask me to marry her but I said no. Jen and I kept getting back together, in a platonic sort of way I guess but she was there for me when I got dumped just like I was there for her when she got screwed.
I always tried to be there for her, poor Jenny we broke up because I couldn't forget about Jen, she took it hard. The last two years since she tried killing herself were the tough ones. She moved so many times, wouldn't tell me where she was gone to. I lost all contact with her for 2 months once last summer, finally found her through another friend cause everyone was afraid she'd try killing herself again.
I just don't want you to think I'm a complete pussy. I tried other girls, got pretty close to em, but in the end I always wanted Jen.
We're not telling you to treat girls like shit.
From what you've been telling us, it's painfully clear how conflicted you're feeling because of her. If she's causing you this much confusion and pain after all the years of your concern for her, what do you expect us to tell you?
There is no magical formula to make things work out. You'll have to decide whether or not you want to keep going like this. Either way, I think you should confront her. Be honest in how you feel and ask her what the fuck's been going on the past few years.
If she's oblivious of how you've felt all this time, let her know. If she's been aware, then she hasn't been returning the respect you've given her.
I feel bad for you. Seriously. You sound like the kind of guy who deserves her - I really mean that. But don't get all defensive and angry on us... most of us went through that shit in a way or another, actually. And yes, there are patterns. Of course with exceptions, but guys that lay their lives for the girl they love well... looks like they don't often get what they deserve.
And yeah. You can't move on, tried other girls but things went wrong because you still think about her... so the only advice we can give you is like >>18 said: comfront her, tell her where you stand. Not just "oh I love you I would do anything for you blah blah blah" - tell her that your life is a mess because you've been there for her and she knew she'd never give you more than she gave you.
Maybe you'll realize that you need to get away from her. It's less than probable that anything will happen now; and even if there's still a chance, you risk becoming more damaged emotionally that you already are. Plus, she has someone to rely on, now... so she doesn't really need you anymore.
Sorry, mate.
So basically she used you but you still love her. Please realize that she doesn't deserve your love.
What you could have done was telling her to fuck off right when she told you she is engaged. You are the victim here, so what can you do now? Either leave this situation behind and begin anew and learn from your mistakes, or play the victim show her how much this is hurting you. Maybe that will make her think, and postpone the marriage. If not, she is a soulless bastard and your love for her will wither, right?
So, just put her to test, if she fails to show any care for how you feel then treat her the way girls like this need to be treated.
And you didn't really waste all this time, it sounds like you have been having a much more interesting life than most of us.
this isn't the movies where she finally realizes at the stand that she actually loves you....no,they will get married IN FRONT OF YOU and afterwards she will talk about the honeymoon..picture them fucking.
LEAVE HER, just get the fuck out of there..better yet, don't SHOW UP.
Sorry I got defensive, it's just it seemed >>16 >>15 and >>13 were treating me like, hey bud, your fault for not aggressively going after someone you loved or hey abandoning her when she needed you like a true alpha male (asshole) would do.
She was the second girl I ever loved, maybe I'm taking that too far, maybe I see in her all the things that went wrong in my own life and I just couldn't bring myself to cut it off. She's hot by the way, totally hot, she's left the corpses of a lot of guys in her wake and I promised her I wouldn't bail on her like guys she knew before did. So many guys who attract themselves to hot girls do so cause their brains are in their pants and they're the so called alpha males that use honest girls like Jen crying on my porch and wishing they were dead. I feel I kept my word, now ... now I don't know how I can even face her anymore.
I've done this to girls myself, Jenny got married last year, invited me, then changed her mind, then invited me again. I could tell she was struggling, I guess like I am now. So did Cassie, the girl who asked me to marry her and I turned her down. I didn't attend her wedding, she sent me an invitation though.
Maybe I just reap what I sow. Karma.
it might be too late to still change her mind? who knows, maybe it WILL end up like the movies. show her how devoted you are... maybe she secretly wants you to chase after her... >>19 and >>18 are right. >>4 was good too :P
i can't sorta get your story, on some level. there's this guy who's told me he loves me EVERYDAY, via phone or text or person, for the past 3-4 years. I haven't reciprocated his feelings, not because i don't want to, but because i don't feel any passion towards him. And honestly i believe him when he says he loves me. Although now we're dating around to see if we really should be with eachother. He's my bestfriend as well.
but the important thing is, how do YOU want to take it? how do you feel about it? shitty? fine. betrayed? okay. Tell her.
If she can't realize what she's lost, then her fault. Be happy to have loved her for so long, and after a while you'll find another.
Nice guys don't finish last.
it might be too late to still change her mind? who knows, maybe it WILL end up like the movies. show her how devoted you are... maybe she secretly wants you to chase after her... >>19 and >>18 are right. >>4 was good too :P
i can't sorta get your story, on some level. there's this guy who's told me he loves me EVERYDAY, via phone or text or person, for the past 3-4 years. I haven't reciprocated his feelings, not because i don't want to, but because i don't feel any passion towards him. And honestly i believe him when he says he loves me. Although now we're dating around to see if we really should be with eachother. He's my bestfriend as well.
but the important thing is, how do YOU want to take it? how do you feel about it? shitty? fine. betrayed? okay. Tell her.
If she can't realize what she's lost, then her fault. Be happy to have loved her for so long, and after a while you'll find another.
Nice guys don't finish last.
it might be too late to still change her mind? who knows, maybe it WILL end up like the movies. show her how devoted you are... maybe she secretly wants you to chase after her... >>19 and >>18 are right. >>4 was good too :P
i can't sorta get your story, on some level. there's this guy who's told me he loves me EVERYDAY, via phone or text or person, for the past 3-4 years. I haven't reciprocated his feelings, not because i don't want to, but because i don't feel any passion towards him. And honestly i believe him when he says he loves me. Although now we're dating around to see if we really should be with eachother. He's my bestfriend as well.
but the important thing is, how do YOU want to take it? how do you feel about it? shitty? fine. betrayed? okay. Tell her.
If she can't realize what she's lost, then her fault. Be happy to have loved her for so long, and after a while you'll find another.
Nice guys don't finish last.