About two years ago I had the love of my life. After a whole life of abusive relationships I met the one girl who cared for me properly and didn't yell at me or abuse me.
I was happy, and I mean really happy all the time. I'd go to her house all the time and watch anime with her and cuddle with her and we would kiss and everything was right in the world. We never had full on sex because we wanted to wait, but even when we just fooled around I felt more passion with her than I have ever felt in my entire life.
One day she started distancing herself and it scared me to death. She was my everything, my whole life in one person. To make a long story short, she pretty much broke up with me because she wanted to experiment fooling around with other girls, and I've held a grudge against gay people ever since for that. I was so hurt that for the first time in our two years of going out I yelled at her. I called her a monster for leading me on for so long because she had been planning this breakup for MONTHS and yet she'd still fool around with me all the time, mostly starting it herself because it didn't feel right for me anymore. I was totally used. I was so desperate for affection that she no longer gave I let her touch me...
Then about half a year later she calls me drunk and threatening me and I was so afraid. I still loved her then and I still love her now. This made me hate her more than anybody else.
Every night I lay awake not so much missing her, but missing someone to hold me and take care of me. I've had such a horrible life and she was my escape from everything I hated so much. My friends treated me horribly so I just quit speaking to them all. This is a story in itself I don't need to go into. They weren't real friends.
I cry myself to sleep every single night now, and the only way I can get to sleep is if I close my eyes and imagine this beautiful woman I'm resting on who's looking down at me telling me everything will be alright and that I don't have to cry anymore.
I just don't know how to get through life alone like this. I have no friends and nobody to love me.
You should never put yourself in a position where you find yourself dependant on somebody like this. She has a right to love or fool around with anybody just as much as you do. You let yourself be used when you let her start fooling around with you when you knew you'd break up.
I find a lot of self-hatered in OP because a person who truely loved himself and was secure with himself wouldn't of become affected like this. I believe the main issue is how you percieve yourself, that you may have low self-esteem, other than your affection for this girl.
It is hard, but you just have to forget about her. Trust me, I've been in the exact same situation.
If you are a woman (lesbian) you have my sympathy, if you are a man you have my rage and disgust.
>>1 I don't have any sympathy for someone who holds irrational grudges.
The answer to your problems is to stop acting like some kind of victim and learn some self-respect. Unfortunate shit happens to everyone, the only difference between you and everyone else is you perpetuate it with your pathetic attitude and behaviour.
>>3
Why would that make a difference?
>>2
I actually don't have a low confidence, self hatred yes a little.
I'm fairly good looking and I'm sure I could find someone if I knew where to look but I just can't take the pain I've been going through the past year. It's too much. I had everything I ever needed and it was taken away.
OP again.
I'm fairly young, I just turned 20 a week ago. I know I have most of my life ahead of me to find someone new. I know that right now my mind should be on other things but I just cannot escape from my loneliness. I see couples together looking happy and I just want to die.
Back when I had my said "friends" I tried to kill myself and none of them even stopped me. I was so close that the only thing that scared me out of it was what happens when I die, not the death or the pain itself.
Also, I didn't know she was using me at the time. I just knew that something was wrong. It wasn't until she broke up with me that I knew she had been planning on it for such a long time.
Mostly people would say 'go to some psychiatrist' which is actually the way to go. But some people need more than just a psychiatrist. They need real friends, and by the sounds of your so-called friends, they are all asswipes who needs to be burned.
Find a friend, the ones that'll be there for you when you fall into 'the great depression'. Even one friend who will actually care for you can save your own life. Go outside and try to smell the fresh air again, not the air around the couples.
Ah. And an Important question... you're a guy, right?
Find someone new, but I hope you're not using a relationship as a substitute for self-respect. A mistake people often do is use relationships to make up for deficiencies in themselves. Actually, one should love oneself first before loving others. That way, you don't become so dependant and so hurt by what others do. Otherwise, using others to make up for personal sadness will never work. You said you had self-hatred. I would focus on that.
And, your friends don't really sound like friends. I wouldn't hold any consideration in them.
>Why would that make a difference?
Women can do what they want, but a man should be fierce, strong and self-sufficient - be a real man! The tone and content of your posts annoy me, and indicate that you are weak, foolish and a bad person.
OP, you are such a textbook example of a wussy, needy guy, that it downright sickens me.
Do you know why that girl broke up with you? Because you acted like a needy little boy. How often did you kiss up and say "yes" to her? How long did you spend on the phone with her? How many wasted hours did you spend just watching anime with her? Too many. And when she showed the first sign of pulling back, you went nuts and tried to hold her tighter. Girls HATE that. They HATE needy, wussy little boys.
You're a 20 year old male. You're a fucking wild bronco. You're an unstoppable hurricane of testosterone. It's time to start acting like one. Men are independent. Men do what they want and don't give a fuck. Men don't apologize for their behavior and don't seek approval. You're not a little boy who needs to please his mom or his teachers anymore.
I'm not telling you to go on rampages and hurt people. I'm telling you to man the fuck up, find some hobbies, make friends with people who have those hobbies and stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. Cause nobody else is going to care if you're miserable.
So, it would be easier to be a woman.
>So, it would be easier to be a woman.
Ya but women have to bleed out of their gonads for a week every month
it's time to come to terms with your homosexuality, OP
>>13 When I start to consider how much more sex I'd be getting, bleeding even the whole month doesn't feel so bad.