I need to confess this somewhere, so... (14)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-11 20:43 ID:eshBQaJG

I don't know if personal issues should be the place this is posted.

I met a guy in some website eight months ago. He was just there to troll and get a couple of laughs, but we ended up being good friends. After a month of talking he confessed his love to me and I, though surprised by this, made the mistake of accepting his proposal. I didn't love him in the way he wanted me to love him, but I cared about him so much and I thought I'd be able to give him some happiness to his dull, depressing life. He was a hikikomori. I think it's worth mentioning we did not live in the same area.

Needless to say, the relationship was for the most part complete shit. Before I said yes I had gone through a bad time and didn't actually want to be with anyone at all, so I was a lousy girlfriend, and I didn't even notice I was until the end. He wasn't the best boyfriend either. We argued too much, and we weren't happy. I wanted to go back to the friendship we once had, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He said he needed me to continue living, but I couldn't stand being with him in such way. Things went on like this for the next seven months.

I had told him this several times before, but last Thursday I decided to put an end to it and simply told him to keep his 'twisted love' and logged off the computer, turned off my cellphone and stayed away from both. I was scared, I didn't want him to kill himself, but when I came back he wasn't online. He send three text messages to my cellphone, pretty much saying "I hope you're happy killing someone who loves you".

That's the last time I saw him. I haven't called in fear a family member will answer the phone. I don't want to know for sure he's dead, but he probably is. I've cried countless times since I got those texts and I feel so empty. I have nothing to come back home for now. He might have forced me into planning a future with a family, nonetheless he gave me a reason to live.

I just wanted to make him happy, and I ended up killing him.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-11 21:19 ID:goOwZoZi

What is the condition of your own life? Are you a female hikki as well, or are you a highly social person?

As callous as this may sound, I think you did the right thing. You didn't love him the way he loved you, and it's simply ludicrous for him to expect that you would dedicate your life to him if that's not what you wanted. You would have been miserable so that he could be happy. That's never how things should work.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-11 22:09 ID:gKGhbUy/

>>2

Exactly. And one more thing. If indeed he killed himself (what a cheap blackmail). It's his own responsability, not yours

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-11 22:39 ID:qtP5rf8j

>>3

Exactly. And one more thing. It is common for possessive (and generally unkind, selfish types - (not all hikkis are like this)) people to actually pull the suicide card many times throughout the course of a relationship which is failing on their behalf.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-12 02:20 ID:hevUvq7X

I hope his name isn't chris:s

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-12 07:18 ID:eshBQaJG

>>2
I wouldn't say I'm a highly social person, but I do like going outdoors.

>>5
Not a Chris.

7 Name: 43 : 2008-10-12 12:01 ID:Ejgwgyuf

You shouldn't feel guilty. If it hadn't been you he'd have leaned on somebody else the same way. The problem here is him, not you. If his life was so worthless as to give it away for such an absurd reason then it would have happened sooner or later.

Also, you wouldn't want someone to stay next to you just for pity, right? then don't do the same thing.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-13 01:30 ID:eshBQaJG

I kept searching for websites I know he visited looking for some sign of life and it turns out he was online in an aim account yesterday, and in some other places he was online recently too.

I don't get what it means. Why is he doing this? I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't continue with a false relationship. I mean, I could, but it didn't feel right. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Or I should have said something sooner.
Should I try to contact him? It's obvious he doesn't want me to know he's alive huh...

This hurts and confuses me. I didn't notice until now he left a message two or three days ago in the website we met on, saying he's sorry he wasn't good enough for me even though I treated him so horribly; telling me to enjoy a life I don't deserve and to keep the promise about him being the last guy in my life.

This sucks. I don't even feel like I should post this, it feels like I'm just whining when I shouldn't whine. I provoked all of this. I should deal with it, or at least that's how it feels, and how he thinks it should be. I didn't mean to hurt him...

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-13 01:50 ID:W0xPs0Fr

>>8
It's not up to him to tell you how to live your life, no matter what strategies or techniques he uses. If he knew that you felt so badly about this I'm sure he'd be grinning and rubbing his hands together in glee, because that's exactly how he wants you to feel. He's guilting you. Resist it.

The only advice I can give you is to sever all contact with him, no matter how much that may pain you.

You aren't whining, you were asking people for help. Now you just have to have the strength to separate yourself from him completely and permanently.

10 Name: insanezero!VUNofZD8jM : 2008-10-13 02:06 ID:uRRjdR2v

>>8
Going by what I've seen of other heartbroken hikkis, those kinds of people will never recover, or rather, never attempt to recover. They usually wallow in their unhappiness because they're not strong enough to move on with their lives. Those kinds of people really piss me off, since (aside from the fact that they've managed to get a girlfriend before I have, and I'm already fucking twenty) they've turned into leeches; all heavily dependent on other people for happiness without a single bone in their back to stand up for themselves.

I'd say that you should try to mend things with him, but in the mindset that the relationship is over. You could be a person that he could talk to, but not a person that he should stay with. Both of you need to learn how to stand on those two feet you were born with, and realize that there's a bigger world outside than just the two of you.

Life is hard. Everybody will fuck up, and will fuck up quite often. But it's also too short to keep wallowing in pity and despair. Contact him, tell him that there's a bigger world out there, and that you'll still be friends with him. Shoot him down if he wants to restart the relationship. Let him figure out what he wants to do with his life by his own.

Or you could just give me his contact information and I'll punch his face and tell him to grow up over TCP/IP. Tch, those kinds of useless people...

11 Name: Derp : 2008-10-14 20:31 ID:ghJHwmLk

You forgot to mention that you acted for months pretending you DID love him that way.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-14 21:48 ID:6mmlBgaZ

INTERNET WHITE KNIGHTS ITT

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-14 23:14 ID:Heaven

To give closure to the subject. Talked to him, I'm taking the bait. Going back to the relationship.
Thread is over.

(11 and/or 12 are him probably, sorry about that)

14 Name: Passer By : 2008-10-15 02:33 ID:KZ0ZggZe

Just stumbled on this and Secret Admirer you need to do yourself a favor and think what you expect from stepping back in.

If you don't see yourself in a future with the person then do yourself a favor and move on. There is no sense in prolonging the inevitable.

No other reasoning matters besides your personal happiness / future. Whether you think you owe him anything; giving it another go for old time sake; scared to be alone; sympathise for his situation I would like to remind you that hanging on is the dept of failures for a relation.

From experience if you already know the person isn't for your future then you should move on and not waste your life. If it means you get disconnected then so be it.

Everyone needs to deal with their issues in their own way. You can't be selfish and want to make sure they are ok just so you feel better? You're all grown ups and that's the key here.

I do hope that you get to see this post.
Ultimate summary:
1) Work out what you want.
2) Do what you needs to be for your happiness.
3) Understand that you are what you are based on your actions: Meaning whatever the future, accept that it happened based on decsions your felt were right when you made them.

We are only human.

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