Girlfriend is Having Trouble I Need Advice (8)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2009-02-07 06:44 ID:XVBOFPHZ

This is long and I’m sorry I’ve talked to me parents and some of my friends but no one really has any advice for me other than “yeah I don’t know.” So here it goes. I dated this girl for a little over a month and about a month ago we broke up because she was having extreme bouts of depression, anxiety and OCD. She was actually diagnosed with these things too and she told me early on. I had a really good friend like her that lasted for 10 years so I thought I could handle it especially since she wasn’t nearly as bad as that previous person but I guess I was wrong. Back to what happened I said that it would be best if we broke up for a while and I promised that we’d go out again.
Deep down I was getting really frustrated with her she would call a lot my phone bill was a little over 400 dollars for about a month and a half. I didn’t really have a problem with it but I was just giving you an example of how clingy she is. She is like a little kid who has to have everything her way she used to cry and get upset when I couldn’t come over to her house and then if I didn’t drive over after she was crying she would get very angry and curse at me and hang up the phone so stuff like this and other problems including her getting really really upset about kissing another guy telling me that she was unfaithful and all that even though I kept telling her over and over it was fine and it didn’t bother me and it really didn’t. She would always everyday send me these text messages about how she cared about me and I would always respond with equal feelings that were genuine but after a while it got old like fake or it just didn’t mean as much anymore or like there was no challenge I’m not sure what it was. I still had a lot of fun with her though we would go out two or three times a week. And it was neat we were a lot alike. There was a huge maturity difference though. I’m currently in college I’m 20 and she is somehow 18. It’s been about a month and we fixed a date next weekend even though I wanted to wait a lot longer. She seems a lot better she went to get treatment and was out of school for a while, is on medication now and I’ve been helping her sort out her problems for the past two weeks. We can talk about what’s bothering us and she doesn't get upset like she used to.

There are two things that are bothering me I’m worried about is she might go back to the way she was right before we broke up and secondly she doesn’t understand that I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with her I care about her and everything but I know realistically I couldn’t handle it and I would like to keep looking for other people I’ve told her about this and she used to get really upset about it and even though I told her again recently I don’t think she understands. I really don’t want to make her depressed or upset so breaking up with her will be difficult and I’m wondering if going back out with her will even be a good idea. But at the same time if I don’t go out with her again she could possibly get even more depressed. She was actually suicidal before and cutting and stuff recently only like a month ago. I feel bad for her and I want to protect her and help her and I still care about her but… I don’t know….. Her parents are terrible they have no idea what to do they tell her that they are embarrassed that she is even their daughter they won’t talk to her and have almost no sympathy for her. Her friends at school are even worse and put her into situations she can’t deal with and simply use her for money and car rides. Her past relationships have also been really terrible. If I’m the only one around who actually listens and tries to help then I guess I have a responsibility to but….
This is hard I don’t know what to do. Am I just being a cowardly whiney bastard or is it reasonable to think this way? What do I do? I'm probably going to go out with her again and wait it out till I switch colleges this summer but is this the right choice? Any other advice?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-07 11:53 ID:bvoNhRAn

Be a friend to her, make it clear you aren't going to date her and make sure there is plenty of space in your friendship or she might become dependent on you.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-08 05:00 ID:cVUGMlbV

Only go out with her if you believe you can have a viable relationship with her. Going out with her just out of pity is irresponsible and will hurt her in the long run. If that's the case, better be upfront to her a let her know she's in the friend zone. You can perfectly support her just as a friend

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-08 21:24 ID:zdkn2IWg

You can fix cars, you can't fix people. The only person who can deal with her shit is her.

5 Name: Mr Write : 2009-02-09 08:02 ID:B5WMJPw0

Warning, I love metaphors :3
Those who don't know how to fly need patient people like you. Don't give up on her just because she's weighting you down right now. Have you even been trying to teach her to fly, or are you merely hoping she'll learn if you just hold her in the sky? Her wings are naturally weaker, so you'll have to be patient, okay? Now if she refuses to fly that's another story entirely...
As far as actually teaching her to fly, I'm afraid that's up to you, my friend, as each case varies quite a bit, and I have no idea about mental illnesses of any sort. Exactly what sort of emotional baggage is weighing her down, anyway? You should get her to realize that so long as she has someone who truly cares for her, namely you, she should have little to be sad about. Speaking of which, it doesn't sound like she appreciates you. You need to tell her how draining this is for you in a way that shows her how much you care about her.
By the way, #3 is right. DO NOT love her out of mere pity if that is all there is to your relationship. If that is the case, though, at least be friends with her, as she needs you.
Another thing, ever heard of Skype? Try it, your wallet will thank you.

Okay, I think I've said everything I can. Sorry about the vague advice, but that's the best I can give you with just that little bit of info you gave me.
Also, could you tell us what happens? I'd like to see how this turns out.

6 Name: Anonymous : 2009-02-12 22:34 ID:zsCm/gde

Thanks for responding I really appreciate it. Its still me I'm just posting from my dorms internet this time. When I first broke up with her in January I wanted to just be friends with her at first I really didn’t want to try again I just wanted to stop talking to her for a while and hopefully it would work out alright that was my plan it was flawed sure and explaining it to her and getting her to accept it took several days of on and off talking but I couldn’t stand on it she completely broke down any resolve I had in the beginning and I ended up promising we would go out again eventually. She just had all the right arguments to talk me out of it. I solved the phone problem though I hooked up a phone to my dorm room and as long as she calls me it costs me nothing we were going to try Skype a while ago but she got frustrated trying to set up the microphone she has thanks for the tip though.

But back to the present situation I talked to her about everything seriously just a little while ago on Tuesday and she is doing a lot better than I thought she is almost like a different person. She has been doing a lot better these past two weeks and she seemed really at ease and she normally gets really really worried about things. It's probably due to her therapy sessions and how they increased her medication. I'm a little worried about that but then again she has been on medication this whole time. Strangely enough in addition to all of this most of the advice I’d given her on how to deal with her problems she remembers and it seems to be helping her out a lot too. I told her what she used to do that bothered me how I felt about the situation and everything I know it was probably a bad move but she said she understood and Anyway we are going to go out like we planned tomorrow just to kind of see how it goes she knows that it might not work out and we talked about it for a while and I assured her even if it didn't I would definitely still be there for her as a friend. It’s kind of weird she knows I don’t like her like I used to before we broke up but she’s ok with that. She knows it might not work out and I know it might not work out but we still want to try. I definitely don’t pity her and I’m not going to go on this date with just because she wants to. I don’t know quite how I feel towards her anymore I feel a lot different from when I first started this thread. I think about her a lot and I still talk to her everyday its confusing I’m hoping just hanging out together and going on this date will help me sort out my feelings and she knows this I told her so I’m not leading her on or anything. She said she feels the same way. But again thanks for the advice and taking the time to read through all this.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-12 23:45 ID:f8XbFtFi

It's cool to hear that she's doing better. Anyways, I think it's a good idea to stop worrying too much and just see how things go from now on.

Nevertheless do mind that depression is cyclic, so crisis will happen again, and you need to learn to weather them, if you are to succeed with her.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-13 02:16 ID:oA7PWvWO

you have a same problem with my best friend... but he's already broke up with his GF like a week ago...

i just want you to be prepared if she wants to broke you up just because she thinks you're too good for her and you deserves better girl than her... ^^
sometimes people who are under unhealthy condition thinks that people who are nice to them is suffered enough for them. they just want to "let you go" ^^
make sure you have a great answer to convince her that you are not going to let your self off of her condition~ ^^

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