I met her roughly seven years ago through her friend who was babysitting my younger sister. Around three years after we met I helped her through a depression in which she transferred to an alternative school. She would even wear heavy clothing as to hide that fact that she was cutting herself. It's possible that it was around this time that my romantic feelings started to emerge, and possibly hers for myself as well. We would talk for half the day over IM when I didn't go to her house after school, sometimes several hours on the phone.
Three years ago we both admitted we had romantic feelings for each other and started dating, and it coincided with a really rough time in my life. She was back in school out of her depression, but I became depressed and it's possible that this is why the relationship ended. I had no self-confidence, didn't want to take showers with her (as she offered,) would just be self-deprecating most of the time. The relationship ended eight months after it started, and I became really withdrawn for months after that.
In the mean time she starts dating Ryan, a high school friend of mine who reeks of marijuana 24/7 despite her disapproval of my minor marijuana consumption in our relationship. I've since stopped smoking it due to mild, but not full-blown panic attacks I've experienced more than several times while smoking in the last year but I digress.
I've tried cutting off all contact with her as was suggested on various other forums. The first time I did cut off all contact with her for seven months (after she'd broke up with me) but I gave in after her sister said she was quite sad I wouldn't talk to her. The second time I'd tried was actually several weeks ago but that failed as well. I'm pretty weak to keep giving into it I guess, but I couldn't stop thinking about her the seven months I tried even though I had a new hobby. Every day thoughts of her would emerge; some would make me laugh out loud and some feel pretty remote.
On Wednesday of this week after while we're talking on IM she tells me Ryan has broken up with her and to come over to her house and I obliged. I stay the night watching television with her, holding her while she's crying basically. She said she was sorry for, "you know," meaning the hurt she put me through in our relationship ending. When we woke up I was mostly silent throughout the morning until I left because the irony of their breakup and ours was just overwhelming, she got a taste of the hurt she put me through I guess. She revolved her schedule completely around him as I had mostly done, really attatched to him as I still am to her.
If it meant that she could be happy the rest of her life, and I could do it, I would put her and Ryan back together as if nothing happened. She would probably still want me as the friend though she drops hints of her feelings she still has for me since she gets sad everytime I try to cut off all contact with her. I would get pretty sad talking to her even a year and a half after our breakup for more than an hour. Contrary to the last paragraph I wouldn't wish any harm on her in the world even though she hurt me pretty badly. I want her to be happy even if that means a non-romantic relationship with me.
Any advice? I can clarify things and I'll probably have to, this was written pretty quickly.
I'm not sure but it seems the reason you're relationship ended was because you had no self confidence and you were depressed. If that’s the case you have no reason to put any blame on her its your own fault. You said you care about her and want her to be happy but you try to cut off contact with her which obviously doesn't make her happy. You shouldn't be depressed when thinking about your relationship and how it ended that’s just selfish and jealous. You are not the same person you were back then you don't need to feel regret anymore. I would say get over yourself and be there for her because she needs you now but I don't know if you can, considering your mental state. I know the feeling and it took me three years to get over similar feelings so my advice is fairly hypocritical however I was able to become close friends with a girl I dated for 8 months. It's all a matter of where you put your mind. If you want her to be happy your choice is obvious.
>>2
Yeah, I didn't blame her but instead beat myself up entirely too much over it which was pretty unhealthy in retrospect. She's dropped hints that she still has feelings for me after we broke up but it's possible I'm just deluding myself.
After they broke up when we talk I just don't know what to talk about, it's pretty awkward considering we hadn't been that close (physically) for two years. I usually (as she says) make her face hurt from laughter when we talk over the phone or IM.
There's no one true piece of advice for these sort of situations as I've seen time and time again so everything posted here is just food for thought. I've been told to cut her off, to not cut her off as that's cruelty (as it's not her fault I can't control my emotions,) to try and become friends.
And rekindling said previous relationship is not an option? Or do you still not have any confidence in yourself? Maybe you should get out and take some time to discover yourself, say traveling, hiking; anything that might help focus your mind, and perhaps instill a greater confidence in you.
Sounds like the girl needs some help, but you are not the one to give it, advise her to seek some counseling or something and then take a few big steps backward, for her sake as well as yours.
I second >4's advice about seeking some self confidence and finding some healthy activities to enjoy, especially getting into some vigorous physical activity.