I am a caucasian who has been dating a Chinese/Cantonese girl for about 6 months. The girl I have been dating came to the US when she was 7. She is has one older sister and one younger sister. We met in graduate school and connected instantly and started dating about a month after meeting. When we first started dating, she told me that if her mom did not accept me, our relationship would be over. However, she told me on numerous occasions that she thought her mom would accept her dating a caucasian.
Everything was going perfect until she took me to Chinatown for DimSum. When I picked her up, her mom was standing at the door analyzing me. Normally, I would go up and introduce myself, but her Mom does not speak English. She told me meeting her Mom has a different meaning in her culture and it would mean I intend on marrying her. Knowing these 2 facts, I stayed in the car and did not introduce myself. Since that day, my girlfriend no longer let me take her out on dates or do anything with her other than study and meet before class. We went from talking everyday to only 2 or 3 times a week.
I finally confronted her about the change in her relationship and she told me that her mom did not accept me because I am white. Her father left the family years ago and her mom has the final say. She says her life is "involuntary" and cannot disappoint her mom. She said if she dates me any longer, it would be like she is choosing me over her family. She said her mom tried to commit suicide when her dad left and will do anything to please her mom and she "dare not disappoint her." Her older sister is a high school drop out who had a child and married a guy her mom did not approve of. Her younger sister has been at a community college for 5 years and still does not even have her associates degree. Both her sisters still live at home and my girlfriend pays the mortgage on their condo in the city.
The girl I know and love share the same values in life even though we have differend backgrounds. I know this sounds silly, but I thought I would marry this girl. It was just a feeling I had right from the beginning. What makes this so difficult on me is we have 2 classes together and have another 14 months of classes together. I am in love with this girl and feel completely helpless. I realize that the family is far more important in the eastern culture but I feel like 2 lives are being ruined. She has told me to move on because she is trapped in her enviornment, but I can't. I love her and she loves me and I know this because she told me. I have even thought about going to talk to her mom and tell her how I feel...but I don't speak Cantonese and she does not speak English.
I guess I am looking for some glimmer of hope. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...I don't know who to talk to about this. Thank you for listening.
asian parents are awful like that. I don't have much advice but don't be too selfish and smother her with all this, i'm sure she wants to be with you but keep in mind this is stressful for both you and her (especially her for having both sides to deal with). and good luck to you OP.
respect our culture and move on. when you marry a chinese girl you are not just marrying her, you are entering into a family. many families do accept whites, many others do not. i myself have a white aunt, shes a good person and im sure you are as well, but thats not always enough.
all signs point to her mother disowning her and possibly heading towards suicide should her one 'good daughter' choose to betray her. do you want that on your head just for your own happiness? in the long run you will never make up for her lost family no matter how much you love her.
the best advice anyone can give you here is NOT to ask for false hope. prolonging this will make things much, much worse. your life isnt a movie and you cant change deep-seated beliefs and resentments with a moving speech, not even if you went out of your way to do it in canto.
Respect her culture.
White people are always faggots like that, expecting others to yield for them.
Post #2: Thank you for your input, I never thought about it from her point of view because my feelings were so crushed. I definitely was being selfish and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for her.
Post #3: Thank you for your insider’s view as it was exactly what I needed to put everything into perspective. For me, the hardest part of this situation was not having anyone to turn to who could offer me insight. You were perfectly right how she is the one “good daughter” and she has always been the one who did not disappoint her mom.
Yesterday we met before class and I told her she had a friend for life. I gave her my silver necklace that I bought in Mexico when I was 17 and told her she was the most important person in my life. At first she would not accept it because she knew it was my most special possession. I told her that is exactly why I wanted her to have it. This was by far the most difficult conversation I have ever had in my life.
We had class tonight and my heart hurts like nothing I have ever felt. We sit next to each other for 4 hours…In class she grabbed my arm and rubbed it so tenderly when she had a question for me. Why does the beautiful bird have to be caged?
Post #4: You are the worst kind of person in the world. A person should be judged by who they are and what they stand for. Not by where they come from and what they look like! There is a difference between respect and understanding. All I was looking for is some help understanding her situation because I don’t have any Chinese friends. However, I do have 2 adopted Chinese cousins and 1 adopted Korean cousin. I hope you never have to feel the pain of rejection because of your skin color.
while im not unsympathetic to your plight, in the grand scheme of things 6 months is a very short relationship. this is something youll get over eventually, even if you always think of her as the one that got away. its not an uncommon situation with regards to asians living in the US, asian females in particular. i do think the caged bird analogy is really overused in these sorts of situations. its exaggerated like the whole tiger mom nonsense. unless she has a fetish for non-asian guys, she'll find someone to be happy with.
in the long run a broken heart or two in your lifetime makes you a better lover, trust me.
Is it normal that she still wants to be friends with me? We just registered for 2 classes together over the summer. Today we spent 8 hours of studying together however we maybe did 3 hours of actually studying…the rest of the time we just talked. I would have spent all night with her if the coffee shop didn’t close for the night. We have finals this week and she wants to celebrate by clubbing with me and 2 other girls in our class that we are friends with. On top of that we are going to a Bulls playoff game next week…
sounds like shes having some inner conflict about letting go. shes human just like anybody else. honestly, things are probably getting complicated for her, because at this point the suitor is expected to walk away, not offer to continue to be her best friend and complicate her life.
if you continue to pursue a purely platonic relationship you really cant predict the outcome or ask for advice on the issue. that there will be problems in the long run is a given. how bad it gets is entirely up to you two.
i think the best advice at this point is to completely cut off relations with her. this isnt someone you have known or longed for at length, 6 months is nothing. the deeper you try to entrench her into your life, the more likely you will end up a homewrecker.
maybe, just maybe(since this is a huge decision) you can learn their language?
>>9 as i previously mentioned i dont honestly believe that would help. the underlying problem is that he is white. he cant change that no matter what.
whats more important is that he probably couldnt learn canto even if he was inclined to. it simply isnt taught. if you want to learn mandarin theres tons of resources available, but ive never heard of canto being taught in any institution that wasnt explicitly aimed at chinese-american children (who already know how to speak it and are simply being taught more).
Man, why are asians such racist assholes
At least with white people the kids have the balls to break out of that stupid shit.
If the bitches mother can't handle her daughter marrying a white dude she can fucking kill herself, nothing of value will be lost.
>>11 ignorant nonsense. let's pretend white people are so accepting of interracial marriage. white people are the most racist people on the planet and always have been.
white kids don't have 'the balls' to do anything. they dont have a culture of their own and they simply dont respect the cultures of others. it doesnt take any courage to put yourself ahead of everyone else. thats the complete opposite of 'having balls'.
You rarely hear of a white person not marrying someone because mommy and daddy didn't approve, do you?
>it doesnt take any courage to put yourself ahead of everyone else. thats the complete opposite of 'having balls'.
Taking responsibility for your own life, your own choices, and your own future even if it pisses poor mommy off does take balls. The bitch is still a child, puts her head down in the sand and says "Oh ok mom" because she's too much of a coward to take control of her life.
And please, putting yourself ahead of others is blowing your pay check on booze while your kids have no food. It's dumping your father with Alzheimers in a nursing home and never visiting.
Not allowing your mother to control your life and who you'll date, marry, and spend the next 30+ years until she dies and the next 30+ after she dies with is not "putting yourself ahead of others", don't even try to pretend it is.
You're full of shit and have no business giving advice in this thread. You clearly don't know anything about Chinese people or Asian people in general. That entire post is so blindly self-righteous it's depressing. This is why we hate you.
well, from what i see, her mom is playing it "safe" for her family--- looking for a suitor from the same culture is a lot safer, since she knows the background and all that.
If you still want to keep going with this, you'll need to toughen up and take extra measures to show her mom that you wont disappoint her (hey asians are all about pride and expectations heh..)
Asians tend to stick for long term relationship before marriage (and no living together blah blah like westerners) - so prepare for a loooooong bumpy rides...
but anyway, heres some suggestion:
Remember, the goal is to win her mom's heart - (as weird as that may sound)
I'll be vaguely honest, it's very very difficult than it sounds to learn Cantonese... maybe Chinese could be simple as a language to read and write (depending on the way you learn.) Good luck, OP.
P.S.: I know Cantonese enough to survive in Hong Kong, so... don't ask me. Thanks. ;)
It might require lots of homework, but pick up a few books at your local bookstore and start out small. Maybe even visit Hong Kong one day and start talking with the locals.
Understanding rather than judging holds a greater significance…I never intended for this to turn into an argument. I am just really messed up in the head. In my heart I know we were meant to be together. I can’t just walk away...Please don’t think anything less of me. All I know is that I can’t live without her in my life. Whether she is a friend or something more… I am 29 and have never felt this way about anyone in my life. She is someone I can’t live without…
Learn their language Matt. You can never underestimate the power that knowing how to speak their own language can have on people. I have seen countless of times where people's eyes light up and give a sigh of relief so to speak when they see a stranger in front of them speaking their language in a foreign country.
>>19 i cant see this as anything but overly strong chemical reactions in someone who's relatively young. ive had a few 'love at first sight' episodes in my time, and they all fizzle with time apart. 6 months is far, far too little time to commit so hard to a failed relationship. do i think less of you? no. but as a rational person even when you are drunk with love i think you should be able to step back for a moment, see how impractical things are, and see how naive it is to try and drown yourself in a person based on a very short time spent together.
i take most issue with your final statement and therein lies the bottom line. you can live without ANYONE. people can and do every day. we are born alone and we die alone, and you will inevitably lose the people you care about along the way. the fact that nothing lasts for ever teaches you to appreciate it all the more.
also to people recommending he learn canto, i want to point out again how extremely difficult that is. there are a wide variety of resources available for mandarin but NOT canto. i mean short of moving to hong kong and immersing yourself in it, i dont see it happening.
even simple words or phrases of canto can go a long way. the thing with the chinese families not accepting "gwailos" is the difference of cultures and language and the tendency of marrying people of the same race. i know i am from one of those families
i can relate to you matt, i have the same problem.. and we had our relationship for 3 and half years.. im still trying to learn the language and the culture..
If OP really wants this woman, the mother will not be a showstopper, merely and obstacle to be overcome. No need to fully learn Cantonese, a few words and a serious display of commitment will be sufficient, as well as the motivation, resourcefullness, and confidence that he will overcome things.
I mean, it's not like the mother education has been a brilliant success, so far, she must have a lot of insecurities. If OP shows that he's responsible, can bring money to the house, and really holds his ground, the mother can only relent, even if it's after some years.
DUDE. Respect the culture. Understand it. Learn it.
Your race or ethnicity has nothing to do with whether or not you are worthy enough.
Learn the Canto language here: http://www.pimsleurapproach.com/learn-cantonese/
It is very simple. You love her? You fight for her. You learn her culture because it is THAT important to her and her mother and apparently, THAT important to you too.
In the big scheme of things, you have things relatively easy. There are tons of same sex couples out there having this same issue that have it 10000x worse.
This will not be over night. It's a dedication and commitment for the long haul.
Follow your heart and you'll never go wrong.
good luck!
I accidentally farted! GO ME!