Ok apologies in advanced because I think this is probably going to get really long... But here we go...
So there's this guy. We started talking in our senior year of high school and became really good friends almost instantly, and soon I started to develop feelings for him, and I kind of suspected that he had feelings for me, too, but I could never be sure cause he's kind of an enigma. But now I'm pretty sure he did. Problem was that I had a boyfriend of three years at the time. Long story short, it was a confusing ass time for me. I broke up with my boyfriend (partly because I liked this new guy and partly because it just wasn't working anymore), but never got anywhere with the guy I liked. I kind of confessed to him once, but it was through IM and he was drunk so I don't think he took it too seriously, but then again I didn't really make it a very serious confession. We still were very close friends for the rest of the school year. But we had a really love-hate relationship. Even though I considered him my best friend, I'm still pretty antisocial and have loner tendencies so I didn't always open up completely, which often got him to think that I was a person without much depth. I still remember he said he had changed me, but I was resisting the change and/or I claimed that the change was all self driven. Obviously I was too proud to admit to him that he changed me, but he honestly did. I wouldn't say it was all his doing, more like I was always this person but he sparked something in me that kind of released it? If that even makes sense. I think he just had such a similar personality to me and I've never met someone so much like me before. He was also the first person who was ever able to see through all my lies and faking, and he would call me out on them every time. I wouldn't say that I'm this mysterious person who puts up a shield for everyone, but I'm a pretty compulsive liar, and really good at it. He knew me better than even my best friends, and I didn't even have to tell him about me. He just kinda saw through it all.
At the time I was glad that we never got into a relationship, though, because I could never imagine us being a couple. Sometimes you can envision yourself in this fantasy with someone you like, but I could never do that with him. It seemed like it would be really weird.
Anyway, we graduated and stuff. I didn't even see him on graduation day, not that it changed my graduation and made me miserable or anything. When he signed my yearbook, he wrote this lengthy entry about how surprised he was that we became such good friends in such a short amount of time. But he also predicted that after graduation, we'd probably never talk again other than the occasional awkward "hey"s on IM. And I agreed. So after graduation, I tried to move on. This was June 2010.
Summer vacation passed and we never talked, not even IM. And I was fine. Then the new school year began and in August 2010, I went to college out of state (although it's not that far, it's like an hour commute). I was doing perfectly fine. Of course once in a while I thought about him, but I was completely over him. Suddenly a month into the new semester he IMs me while I was studying for a quiz. I'm pretty aggressive and "manly" so he had always talked to me as though I was one of the guys (vulgar language and however it is you manly men speak). It started off as an average conversation with jokes and such, but then he starts telling me about this really random scenario of me going over to his dorm and having no strings attached sex with him and that his "virgin hormones" were speaking. So naturally I'm confused as fuck and reply with a bunch of "lol wut" and "...". He brushes it off like no big deal as he does with everything and the next day he IMs me saying something like "that was the boredom speaking, sorry if I offended you". So then I go spiraling back into that annoying crush phase and start thinking about him again.
(continued =___=)
A week after this whole thing takes place, I just happen to actually go to his dorm. His roommate is a mutual friend of ours from high school, and he bought me some food from his vacation, so I went over to just hang out and pick it up. It was a pretty average visit, though. We didn't act awkward around each other at all. I mean I felt really messed up inside, but I didn't show it. I visited around two more times after that, but they were all pretty normal. And other than those visits, we didn't talk at all.
Around six months later (April 2011), I visited his dorm again (brought two mutual friends this time) and ended up staying the night. He lived in a suite style so there's a living room and his room that he shares with his roommate. My two friends shared his bed while the roommate slept in his own bed (obviously). Me and the guy I liked ended up being banished to the couch in the living room, which wasn't a big deal since we're both insomniacs and didn't plan on sleeping. But before just sitting around on the couch, we went outside to smoke. We ended up going on a long walk, sat by a lake, looked at the stars, and went to his dad's house that was basically just across the highway to chill. In the wee hours of the morning, we walked back to his dorm to talk and kinda... cuddled together on the couch... which was really nice, but different. After a while I sat on the couch by myself to process wtf just happened and he went back to his room and played games.
The next day we just lazed around in his room. My friends had left, and so had his roommate. We somehow started to like... wrestle or something... and he kept trying to take my pants off and grab my boobs... Yeah...
Those experiences were different from how we interacted in the past not only because he was trying to rip my pants off but because it just seemed so much nicer. I mean we're friends, but we would always argue and insult each other (in complete seriousness). But this time, we didn't argue at all, we hugged a lot and held hands and he kept complimenting me. Well part of it was probably because he wanted to get in my pants... But he also randomly brought up that a long distance relationship would never work for us, even though I had never mentioned anything about a relationship. Anyway, I think that was the last time I saw him. That was in April.
In October, I went back with a mutual friend to visit his roommate who had more souvenirs for me from his summer vacation and to celebrate his birthday. The guy I like wasn't there this time, and at first I admit I was disappointed but it's probably for the better. We hung out in their room for a little while, and my nosy friend found the guy's sketch diary journal thing. She skimmed through it and I was curious so I kind of skimmed one of the pages she was on. He wrote something about having closure with this girl named Cara or Clara (his handwriting is terrible, plus I was only glancing). Immediately my heart dropped. All this time I thought we had something, and now there's this girl he had something else with and was already trying to get over. At that point I immediately stopped reading.
I'm probably being stupid, but now I just keep hoping that I had read the name wrong or maybe Cara was just an alias he made up for me. But I know that's just stupid wishful thinking.
Anyway, that's not the main thing bothering me. The main thing is that I can't stop thinking about him and I don't know how to stop. We haven't talked since April but I still can't stop thinking about him. The problem is I'm too pussy and proud to actually confront him and tell him how I feel or ask him about his side. Plus if there really is this girl named Cara then I'd be even more embarrassed confronting him about my feelings when he's over there already thinking about someone else.
WOW OK THAT WAS UNNECESSARILY LONG. Sorry, I have a really bad tendency to ramble......