Nothing like using an anonymous board to talk about something personal that's plaguing you. And you'd better believe it when I tell you that this one is a doozy. And it is something that has followed me for a very long time.
I should tell you first that life is pretty good. I'm out of school, and I have a great job, wonderful friends, and a nice relationship with my family. I've completed two books that are in the process of being published. I don't have a lot of money, but I also don't have a lot of wants or expenses, so that balances out. So, long story short, my needs are pretty much met, and life is good.
But that's not the problem. The problem is that I think I'm crazy. But not crazy as in "Take a gun out and shoot someone" crazy or "Sit in the corner drolling and babbling incoherently" crazy. No, this is a far stranger type of insanity. And far more subtle.
You see, for a very long time, I've heard voices in my head. Yes, actual schizophrenic, multi-personality, crazy-person voices. And that's only the start of what's been happening, but it's enough to talk about for now. My closest friends know about this, but everytime the conversation comes up, I immediately panic and stop talking about it. It's just too scary for me to discuss. And even now I find myself hemming and hawing over how I want to explain this.
Okay, so yes, I believe that I might be schizophrenic. The main distinction between myself and, say, a "normal" schizophrenic, however, is what I hear. When I hear about people with this disease, I hear about people that get into screaming matches with themselves or get "told" to jump off of a building because they can fly, or that their peers are plotting against them. There's nothing like this, here.
When I hear the various "things" that talk to me (all part of myself and my own personality, I know, but let me explain this in my own way), they say nothing but good things to me. They don't "tell" me to do something, or that I shouldn't trust anybody. They simply explain things, in a common sense sort of way. I hear things that make me stronger, kinder, and even braver than I had ever been before. It's almost as if my conscience, or perhaps just my intuition has been given a voice and personality all of its own. (Disney is gonna sue somebody!)
Now, I want to clear one thing up right now: it's not drug-related. I don't take ANY mind-altering drugs. I don't even take cough syrup if it causes drowsiness. Hell, I hardly even use Ibuprofrin unless I have a RAGING headache, an event that occurs maybe once every 4 months or so.
But, getting back to my original point, here's what I mean. Say for instance a friend of mine is feeling angry about something. Now, I say to myself, "Why would he be angry?" And this voice comes back, unbidden, "He's having a relationship problem. He's frustrated about a girl that he likes." So, I go off of that and start asking him about these things, and sure enough, the advice was dead-on.
Okay, that's a very basic example (practically a horoscope in its generality), but I'm still struggling with this, and I don't want to give everything away. It's very hard to open up, even anonymously, about something this deep.
So, basically, let's just say for the purposes of this discussion that I have this group of "imaginary friends" that talk to me all the time. Sometimes I'll hear one of them just out of the blue. Other times I have to really concentrate and "call" them. And I DO end up calling them, because I like to hear their voices. They tell me a lot of things, too. They tell me about life. They tell me why people think the way they do. They give me a feeling of empathy with even people that I normally can't stand to be around, to the point where I can't HELP but see why they think the way they do. It makes me understand other people, and from that understanding comes a feeling of closeness. I get along better with everyone around me than I ever did as a child, and I'm a better, stronger person for it.
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