This is a story of the events that have led to My present state of existence. I am 26, born near New York city on Long Island and My parents moved way upstate(near the Canadian border) when I was months old.
So I attend school until I reach the age of 13 then it starts to go south, meaning bigtime mental and physical abuse. So Winter break comes and I leave school, never to return. The first critical juncture of life forks for me here as from this point forward I homeschool myself without outside contact from anyone my age living normal lives.
So I spend the time studying eastern philosophy, ancient Chinese History and cultivating my own bleakly nihilistic worldview. The only people I have contact with are my parents throughout this time. I must rely only on my own thoughts with no one understanding me but my Mom, a person with a really poetic soul, to keep me company.
Flash forward 5 years to 1998... After my mother calls them the school agrees to let me take the reagents tests so I can get my high school diploma. The guidance counseler scoffs at my ability to pass the tests, So I show up - take all the tests and pass them scoring over the ninetieth percentile. The principal asks if I would like to attend the graduation ceremonies,I say no in reply ,for me it would nothing but bad memories. I receive My diploma.
Next i take the SAT , apply and am approved for EOP plus the usual grants for college. I miss the deadline to apply to my local university, Plattsburg State. So I checkout the local community college, but since i have never driven a car and have no transportation it goes nowhere. This is the second juncture on the way to .... What?. Years pass....
2001 and the death of my mother from cancer destroys me. Here begins the present phase of existence which is as follows. Living at home in my room, Reading philosophy such as Nietzsche, etc. Dowloading music, anime,with hours in front of a glowing crt display. One day blending into another. Leaving now and then for provisions with My father. Playing my guitar. Years start to blend.
2006 and no end in sight, so i tread onward. I have literally almost never spoken to a girl, The youth which others experience was nonexistent for me, I have Dsl, books to read and live in the realm of thought with a minimal physical aspect to my life. No income, everything provided by my father, This can go on how long? Literally living in the woods 20 miles from civilization.
I just love how there are people going all emo and suicidal over girls and other such. Me ...Girlfriend what the fuck is that? I have no points of reference with the outside world, Many would have opted out of life by now in my place, But for me suicide is still not an option.
My father is 62, If anything happens to him i have a house but almost no income for taxes etc. Perhaps freak out and get $600 a month SSI?.. I enjoy learning ,university might have been fun, but now years have slid by... No Future,Only the present.
Almost no one to speak to. No way out.
Welcome to My life .
Oh dear. I think we can all learn from this, thank you for posting!
Why can't you still go to school? There's no age limit.
What about getting a bicycle to ride into town, as well, even just for fun?
Also, it's extremely difficult to get SSI at your age unless you're actively seeing mental health professionals. I know this because I work for the government, making decisions on those claims.
I really admire you for pushing on and I think you can overcome the obstacles to come. I do think you are wrong about one thing and that is not having a future. There is a lot you can still do, sure the years have gone by but it is not too late for you. You just think it is, but it isn't.
I can honestly say that I understand what you are saying from my own personal experiences. Even I feel it is too late for myself sometimes, but I know it isn't. I think when we are alone for so long we tend to talk ourselves into things that aren't always true and we do not have anyone to tell us otherwise.
Thanks for the replies, I guess that what was meant by my "no future" above was that if I exist only for the moment, then the future will cease to concern me.
Really I would describe existence for me as a "Solipsistic Totality" where my self is the only tangible reality. Schopenhauer believed that art was one of the only things to give meaning to life, with which i fully agree. In sync with the above i try to experience the greatest works of music, film, etc.
I find my reality in immersing myself completely in the films of the great directors. Recent viewing of the works of the master Kenji Mizoguchi "Ugetsu" and "Sansho Dayu" from the 1950s literally bring tears to my eyes in their shining transcendence.
What gets me is when someone labels me as "antisocial". How is is possible for me to be Anti- something for which i have so little exposure to even be able to formulate an opinion about?
I'm not shut-up completely in one room, I have the run of the house. My human interaction is pretty much limited to the odd visit from my brother and his wife, My father as i wrote above and really a neighbor who is one of my only friends in the world.
In addition going to stores for food, etc.
I've been out to local bars a few years ago, maybe this would be worth trying again?. What i really need is to find more people local to me with similar interests so i can refine my real life conversation skills.
The above reference to SSI was kind of half serious. Correct me if I am wrong but the gov. uses digital fingerprints and photos to track all who receive such benefits. I definitely would not be able to bear to be treated like a criminal in order to get their handouts. If it came to that, I would prefer to die.
I got a learners permit years ago, did some driving but then let it expire, maybe i should get a license to drive? I went to a Yngwie Malmsteen show in Montreal with my neighbor some months back, it was great, the only concert i have ever been to.
College? I have been out of the world so long I just don't know where to begin. My math skill are very lacking (almost nonexistent),would that make any difference seeing as how my interests lie in the humanities (philosophy,film,art,history,etc.)? How would i even be able to apply to a school with my background? I have my HS diploma and little else. I definitely have fallen through a real chasm of a crack.
I guess i need to be Nietzsche's "self-moving wheel" and set myself into action without outside impetus. 1993 was the start of my odyssey, 13 years on I ask myself "where do i go from here?".
You seem very unsure as to what you want.
If you liked the local bars you should try going again. If not, why bother?
A license to drive would be helpful, makes it easier to go places and it might give you more incentive to go out more. You should do that, that is if you want to go out more.
As for schooling, I am also very limited in math and I do not even have a diploma so I do understand that. Maybe you should go back to school and get an AA degree. It would help refresh and improve your math along with other subjects. It would also allow you to further your education and career selection. Not only that, but it is something to do and it would get you out of the house.
well i havent read all, but it seems like ur problem is interaction with other pple. well the best and only u can is try ur hardest to make some friends. u dont have to start with talking to woman, but what about starting with guys around ur age?? u know there are so many ways to get to know with other pple, such as going clubing and etc. u cant stay all long sitting in ur house, it doesnt do u any better. dont be afraid of things u cant see, and be brave enough to do something that does u good to make ur own life better
Yeah, when your alone alot your thoughts run away with you, I now have a vision of what to do. First get a license to drive, then I'm going to look into some schools in my area to see what my options are.
Please keep us updated on your new start, it sounds interesting and maybe it will inspire me to actually get out and do something.
some people just do better alone and congrats on your diploma mine is coming up. Do not believe that you do not have a future in fact i would say that you do just make sure you keep to yourself an never give in to others
It would be nice if you were able to follow through with that. Personally, despite knowing exactly what must be done, I have never been able to go all the way, and so I am also continuing my uneventful life as a reclusive shut-in.
Perhaps the new year will bring some interesting developments our way.
We, reclusives', must accept that, our lives are what they are. It's when we hope for more, we become unhappy and depressed. If one follows Buddhist or Hindu philosophy, particularly in regards to, the acceptance of life as is, only then do we find a peace and tranquility that the majority of people (not only hikikimori) are missing.
Go with the flow!!
Don't swim against the tide!
The only other option is seppuku (This option should only be contemplated after one has taken account of all other options and, is fully informed).
"No income for taxes." LOL
Sounds like you need a swift kick in the arse.
I don't mean to be flippant; I dropped out of the local equivalent of high school in the second year and still haven't finished in evening lessons after what, seven years of being enrolled? Yeah, that's about it. I did boot myself out of my parents' house by getting shit-hot programming skills learning by myself, prodded onward by my ambition to do something cool with computers. I did go nearly total caveman at my parents' between 1998 and 2000 though, before my first real job; as in sleep until five in the evening and go to bed five in the morning (a 12/12 schedule, which I still haven't entirely shook), four days between showers, that kind of thing.
What finally got me out of the house in 2002 was the realization that I could actually afford to rent my own place, with the regular (and actually pretty well-paying) job I was holding down. That, and my parents were damned annoying. Not the kind where I'd not attend their funerals, our relations are pretty good, but just... "well, we're just retired, we don't need to play sharp anymore, ha ha, being old is fun!".
Anyway, I figure I was ready to get out of there by early 2001 already; I just hadn't come up with the willpower and wherewithall to interact with real people (outside the context of work, where people were fearfully respectful of the hairy programmers and so forth) enough to rent a spot for myself. Tell you the truth, I haven't a clue of what was my kick on the arse; however I figure there was one. Hence my first line.
I'm not telling you to do as I did. I started programming on a C64 back in 1985, when I was like four years old. My skills didn't magically appear out of thick, smelly, musty air. Maybe my story is unique and unrepeatable, who knows.
Dude...
Join the Army. Seriously, it will cure a lot of your problems.