back story:
my mother ran out when i was 2 years old after she got pregnant and it was some other guys kid. so me and my sister who is a little under 2 years younger than me were raised by our father.
up until i was ~7 my mother either had nothing to do with us or we visited her for a weekend every other month or saw her on a holiday. then when was 12 or so we started seeing her maybe every other weekend.
about 4 years ago(i was 17) we were kicked out of the apartment we were in(my father has always had drug problems but he always kept it away from us). instead of moving with him to his girlfriends(she's a great women she's been around since my mother left and was always there for us) and listening to them argue all the time i decided to go live with my mother and my sister came too.
when we got there it was suddenly rules upon rules(whereas we never had any at all with our father) and having to put up with her husband(her 3rd husband, he has no kids and had joint custody of a dog with his ex wife).
i finished high school and left about a week after it was done with and now im living on my own.
last summer i was visiting my dad and he told me that my mother was pregnant when he met her im not his son, which i had no problems with and only makes me realize how amazing he really is.
recently her husband came to see me and we just went for a walk and talked things out. i found out he felt responsible for when i left and i told him how my problem was with my mother and how she came out of the blue and decided to play mommy when she had never been there. we parted on good terms and now. . .
my question:
i've recently been thinking about my problems with my mother and how she ran out on us and im wondering if im just making up issues so i can feel like a victim and hold a grudge. should i go talk to her and tell her i forgive her and continue on with my life?
[sorry i've never been that good with written english]
TL;DR, my mother ran out when i was 2 then tried to play mommy 16 years later. should i forgive her?
did she personally apologize to you yet.
I've got to agree w/ >>2 ... Has it come up in conversation where she's actually asked you to forgive her, try to understand her, etc...? If there was no forgiveness asked for, then maybe she's not looking for forgiveness... There's no point in telling someone you forgive them if they're not really that sorry or apologetic for what they've done... If she hasn't asked, then telling her you forgive her might come off as accusing her, and pointing fingers directly for what she did, causing uncomfortable feelings...
Now, if she's asked for you to forgive her, that's a whole different story... I think that for the most part, people can earn forgiveness for what they've done, and it sounds like she's at least tried in the latter few years to raise you like she should've earlier...
Yeah, but maybe she's too ashamed of what she's done...
>>5
i doubt it my sisters who live with her say even these days she only cares about herself
unless she apologizes, she doesn't deserve to be forgiven. that simple. if your sisters say that she's somehow a narscissist, then that means she doesn't care about you. maybe she's acting for the money? if not, MY BAD. anyway's, why forgive her anyways? she didn't actually raise you. she can still start being a mother to you. but forgiveness, NEVER!!! until she apologizes of course. which i doubt will be soon.
Oh wow, she dumped her child with someone who wasn't even obligated to take of it.
I can understand being naive and scared at the prospect of being a young mother, but it's like she has no conscience.
My best advice is that whatever you do, make sure you don't choose a path that will leave you unfulfilled and angsty. Let go of the past and try to understand the woman who gave birth to you. It sounds like she's just playing mother so that she can get rid of her own guilty conscience. If she doesn't want to build a proper relationship, you can't say that you didn't try. Move on.