these last months I've been scaringly obsessed with checking people's ages and then the work they've done to see how far I am behind everyone else. I could be working on improving myself, but I keep doing this and stagnating
last week I started college
I hate having to be around people, I want to duct tape their faces
I don't know what to do about it.. I've already wasted 3 years in seclusion, I don't want to drop out of uni now that I got in
I'm starting to feel I learned more back then by being relaxed by the thought of infinite free time and reading books, training, than now, wasting my time with pointless obligatory group activities, 1 hour bus travels, retarded and useless teachers and stress over my social anxiety
in what way should I react when one of those extroverted retards does something on purpose to me just to give out those retarded, forced "im superior lok at me xd" laughs? I repeat to myself I want to kill them when I'm walking around the campus like a mantra but I know that's not the way out when I'm thinking relatively rationally back home; should I just attack them? sure I'd get raped and subsequently ostracized (lol like it's yet possible to do so any more) but I guess they may stop being irritating then
I feel like I won't ever get a job if I don't have a diploma, especially in this piece of shit developing country, competing with richie richs that studied in calarts and then came back here god knows why
I tried medicaments back when I was 16 at the epitome of my emo faggotry, but merely got some horrible adverse effects like involuntary face muscle twitching; the faggot psychiatrist was useless and sold some of that herbalife shit to my weak minded mother; not only that one was horrible though, one was a spiritist retard that wanted to exorcise me and another didn't once initiate conversation with me when we were alone and then told her I was dangerous and should be sent to some asylum his family owned (how surprising)
last thursday some retard in class openly and undoubtedly made a description of me and then said "I don't like working with this kind of guy" and then everyone giggled; well, if that's not supposed to make me hate the whole class I don't know anymore
I do have some online contacts from yurop and namerica I enjoy talking to and although I know a few are just roleplaying for laughs when talking to me I don't see much of a problem in it
tl;dr but I went straight into university from high school and as a result missed most of the IT boom, so as a result there are various friends who are filthy rich while I'm only just getting decent money 8 years later. And every time I hear from one of those assholes who decided to skip study and go straight into work I want to kill someone.
Now I'm stuck in hell where I'm in a different city far away from anyone I could mooch money off, thus preventing a hikikomori lifestyle which would be virtually assured if I didn't need money to live. And I'm in a job where the boss is slowly becoming a bigger jackass every week but job security is just adequate enough to scare me off looking for anything which might be better but more risky.
I feel like the way out of all this shit is still 40 years away, by which time I will be old and withering but at least I'll be able to lock myself away and not have to worry about earning money the slow way.
My social phobia during my 1st year of uni kept me away from people, now I'm not sure if people were against me or if was just over sensitive (self-concious maybe) but I used to feel rejected. I decided not to pay attention to them and to focus on my performance instead.
Later I realised that those who had friends from high school used to hang around together while there were many in my situation.
I made real friends until 2nd year, being good at your academic performance attracts parasites who want to get answer from you. It is true that I met a lot of shit people along the way but I've met great friends as well.
So my advice: don't even bother to think about people who reject you when they don't even know you. Focus on your studies, most of the imbeciles won't make it to 2nd year and by 3rd year you get the nice and smart people around, most of them are people who took time away from their studies which I believe gives them a different perspective on what they really want.
"On the fourth day of sesshin as we sat with our painful legs, aching backs, hopes and doubts about whether it was worth it, Suzuki Roshi began his talk by slowly saying, 'The problems you are now experiencing [will go away, right? we were thinking] will... continue...for...the...rest...of...your...life.'
The way he said it, everyone laughed."
-Ed Brown
That's very true; the shit we're in now is the shit we're going to sit through for the rest of our lives. I remember someone once saying "hell is other people". I experienced this quote every day of my forced schooling. After graduating high school, most of my friends went off to college and forgot about our old group, and the ones who stayed were being real jackasses acting like my feelings didn't matter.
Even so, not everyone is this way. I've made some new friends since then, and even gotten into a relationship. Hell, I'm now someone's -fiance-! Someone socially ackward and distrustful of everyone became engaged to another person! It's a miracle!
My point is, even if you want to kill everyone around you, it's better to just ignore them. If you want to graduate, just let them say whatever they want. If they don't have anything better to do now, it's pretty much a sure thing that they live boring, painful lives already. Killing them would just put them out of their misery. If you still just don't like college, start looking for a job you like. Even if you can't do it now (if you need a lot of money to get started with it) you can save up for it doing other jobs and work your way up to it. Your life is what you make it.