Hello everyone, thank you for your time to read this.
I'am a 19 years old, Male, College Student
When I was younger I could make friends really easily but being a army brat everytime I would move less friends with each move.
Since then I been interested in Anime, Video Games, and Manga. This has seem to make me have bad social skills. I stay in my house all day and only come out the house from time to time. There is really no one in my area thats the same age as me. I remember at one point I even had trouble ordering things at a fast food place because of how nervous I was.
I have trouble talking to women at first but once I take that first step I eventually get better but am still careful what I say and where I look. I usually look straight towards the wall just behind them when talking to them. Physical contact is even worse if they touch my arm or hand I would pull away very quickly and stare at the floor. I feel so pathetic when that happends.
I had a couple of friends that lived in my neighborhood but they have currently moved. Everytime one of my friends would meet up with another friend that I dont know when we are hanging out they both start to chat and he would introduce me to the person. I would try to get in the conversation by inputing something but its like other guy just doesnt see I'm there.
The two friends that moved now have gfs that are each others best friends leaving me left out the picture as all four of them go places with each other.
It seems like everything is just passing by me and that been doing nothing.
Please any help in how to change my self esteem for the better and getting my life going.
-D. Bacchus-Go to/watch some fucking motivational speeches.
The key to easy social interaction is to share common interests with the people you hang out with. This will make it that much easier to speak with them and enjoy their presence.
And because you are a college student, opportunities to meet new people abound, so you are lucky,...
The best way to proceed is:
Good luck!
I go to a community college and I'm not sure we even have clubs there.
Classes might work but every single one I been to everyone just sits in class listens then leaves without saying a word unless they have a question.
Thanks for the Advice.
-D. Bacchus-Well,... the people that attend your college must do something with their lives besides college. If there are no clubs in the college itself, there are probably some around it. Usually they leave ads in designated areas of the campus, just ask about that.
As for classes, don't hesitate to strike a word with people. Again, if you are attending classes about something that's of interest to you, you will have for sure common topics to discuss.
Your text could describe myself. I am in worse condition because I am older.
This time I am writing this I am sad because of that certain lifelong problem. Today a friend messaged me and asked me if I'd like to go out with 'them'. I said 'sure but who else is gonna come along?' Wanna know? It's gonna be him, his friends and his girlfriends. What am I gonna bring together? My cat? I don't think I am gonna go now.
Lately I made a small step. I found something that I always wanted to do in my life. I got to the gym to practice martial arts. (I always secretly wanted to try martial arts). It's not that I have friends now but I HAVE to talk and have contact with people. It's something isn't it?
I will give you some advices that work sometimes with me. When you are with other people. DO NOT THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. Let yourself free, say what you wanna say. Let things carry on naturally. Think less and act more.
You are still young. Smile. Make as much friends you can and eventually get a girlfriend.
Those last few lines got to me. Thanks. Although I have a girlfriend, I do not have any friends. Weird huh.
I thought getting a girlfriend would solve all the loneliness, all it did was provide me with companionship, sex and someone to talk to when there's nothing to do. I love her, but there's just some things real friends can give that a lover can't.
Well...a girlfriend is a friend too (if the relationship is good)
You could hang out and do stuff with her and her friends
I'll say this out of my own experience.
I became like that about a year and a half ago, after getting dumped. I just stood by, and things slowly lost their appeal to me - friends, college, everything. I noticed that wasn't quite right, so I started regaining strenght little by little, by re-building up my confidence with the people and knew, and so on. I'm pretty much ok now.
It's a little worse since you don't have anything right now, but you surely could try and talk a little to someone on your class. If a certain person doesn't work, hell, try another one. There will surely be plenty of them there.
I don't know where you live in, but you might wanna try other places in your area if college can't cut it. Just remember,
there's nothing to lose.
>Just remember, there's nothing to lose.
That's the problem with me, though. I think there are things to lose when I'm with people who know me and that I'll probably interact with in the future.
The only time I can really let go of that is when I'm someplace that has no connection with my normal life, and that I could leave on the occasion things turn out bad.
>>I thought getting a girlfriend would solve all the loneliness, all it did was provide me with companionship, sex and someone to talk to when there's nothing to do. I love her, but there's just some things real friends can give that a lover can't.
There's some truth to this. Sometimes guys who deal with alot of loneliness in their lives feel as though a girlfriend will magically cure their problems but this isn't the case. If you can manage the social skills though to find a girlfriend then you should be able to make friends eventually.
>>Today a friend messaged me and asked me if I'd like to go out with 'them'. I said 'sure but who else is gonna come along?' Wanna know? It's gonna be him, his friends and his girlfriends. What am I gonna bring together? My cat? I don't think I am gonna go now.
I've had that feeling of being a fifth wheel before. It either reminded me of not having a real relationship or left me with the general feeling that I was intruding on another couples time with each other. After awhile though I started to realize this outlook was somewhat irrational. They're your friends right? Why is it so wrong to hang out with them when they're with their girlfriend? As >>7 pointed out, just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean that they don't need their friends anymore. Also, if it's the case that you don't want to hang out with your friends because they're with their significant others and it reminds you of not being in a relationship then you could ultimately be cutting away your most important social support network. Your friend invited you but if you don't go over something like this you'll only find yourself becoming more withdrawn.
I was alot like the op until I made an evaluation of myself about 4 or 5 years ago. When I was in high school I had few or no friends, no self-confidence, no motivation, was terrified of social interaction especially with the opposite sex and spent most of my free time with anime and games. When I came to university I was hundreds of miles away with not a single friend or acquaintance in the world. It was then that I really realized my life was miserable, that I should make a conscious decision to craft a few key personal changes. First, I decided that when I got to college I would get involved with student organizations and campus groups to build up a network of friends. In high school I had never really done anything remotely extracurricular and as a consequence I never had any opportunity to meet people with similar interests. I ended up joining the campus anime club since it's what I was most comfortable with anyways. The second big change I made was to try to cease with all the negative thinking I had about myself. This was hard since in the last few years I've realized I most likely have some sort of depression fueling my self-confidence issues but I reasoned that I was decently intelligent and just as functional as the next person under the right circumstances. At the very least I acknowledged that constantly beating myself was unproductive. These two changes have really improved my overall quality of life. I have plenty of friends, am in charge of the campus anime club and have a girlfriend. I still love anime and games but instead of feeling protective of my hobbies as a secret I have the confidence to say that these are the activities I truly enjoy, and if anyone else doesn't like it then that's their problem.
Op, if your school doesn't have student orgs then there is likely some group in your community where people your age with similar interests gather. If you hang out long enough you should make friends rather easily. Also, don't put a massive amount of thought into interacting with people, just try to act naturally and don't be something you're not. You have most of the basic tools everyone else is born with, there's no reason why you can't have a social life if that's what you want.
Ok here is some advice. Please take it.
Stop watching cartoons.
You can call it what you want and say in Japan is normal but most people think people who watch Anime are social retards.
So stop. Just stop it.
I am not joking. Sell eveything you have. Spend the money you make on some nice clothes, new hair cut and start working out since I think your fat (most anime fans are)
If your not fat, then eat more. Learn how to cook. Real food.
Video games are fine but don't play them alone. Play them with friends (if you have any?)
Never play them alone or online. This will just make you more angry and feel alone.
Take a class with girls in it. Poetry is a good start.
Sign up for volunteer work at your school. Anything. Does not matter.
Don't try and meet people on the internet. You will only meet internet people.
Never turn down an offer to go out. Ever. No matter how lame is sounds. If someone calls you to go someplace it's because they want you to go.
Get a car if you don't have one.
Format your HD and nuke all the porn. Yea, I know it's there.
Spend as much time as you can with people. Real people.
I do KNOW that posting this will cause many of the hardcore to attack me but seriously, cartoons are for kids and social retards.
Don't worry about making mistakes. People don't care. If they make fun of you, just ignore them.
Take down all the posters in your room with anything form Japan.
Japan is a cool country but you DO NOT LIVE THERE.
Thats all.
I wish you luck. You can do this
>>12
I'm not the op, but I'm mostly like the op, but older.
>You can call it what you want and say in Japan is normal but most people think people who watch Anime are social retards.
Most people don't know I watch anime, and don't believe me when I tell them.
>Spend the money you make on some nice clothes, new hair cut and start working out since I think your fat (most anime fans are)
I have lots of nice clothes. Just bought more today.
I had new haircut a year ago... people liked it, and I thought it looked cool. Started getting out of hand recently so I got a trim... now I need to wait to grow it out again.
I walk a lot, eat healthy, rollerblade and I'm considering joining my school's gym. I'm definitely not overweight, and some people would call me skinny by today's standards... but by normal I'm in the optimum range for my height.
Dunno where you got most anime fans are fan from. My club has to really fat guys and two fat but not as much by today's standards guy, out of say, 25 people.
>If your not fat, then eat more. Learn how to cook. Real food.
So if you're not fat become fat? :p
I do cook though, but I've gotten lazy since I've moved out and rather than say making pizza, I buy organic, healthy pizza.
>Video games are fine but don't play them alone. Play them with friends (if you have any?)
I don't even own a non-household gaming system, currently. I play a few online games every now and then with my friends/family.
>Take a class with girls in it. Poetry is a good start.
Lol. Current as a college student I don't have much say over the classes I have left to take. I'm in a class with like, 200 people and a few of them are girls. Other than that just engineering classes, with 1 or 2.
>Don't try and meet people on the internet. You will only meet internet people.
>Never turn down an offer to go out. Ever. No matter how lame is sounds. If someone calls you to go someplace it's because they want you to go.
What if it's people you met on the internet that offer?
>Get a car if you don't have one.
Gas is expensive, as is parking. Besides, I live in a metro area where everything is accessible by transportation, and my school gives my free bus passes.
>Format your HD and nuke all the porn. Yea, I know it's there.
...I have no porn. A few ero-manga, but really none of that. Mainly mp3s and anime.
>Take down all the posters in your room with anything form Japan.
I have no posters at all up. :(
Thanks for trying to help, anyway.
>>7
I'm in a similar situation. I have a girlfriend whom I love very much. We're also best friends that can joke about anything. It's wonderful. But neither of us have any close friends outside of each other. I worry about what would happen if we broke up, and besides that, it's sometimes a drag having only one friend.
I'm in the same dilemma as you, OP. I had friends when I was older but drifted apart due to mental health issues. Now that I'm 21, it's harder to make friends the same way you did when you were a kid.
I guess I have no real advice to offer, since I'm a social recluse myself. I guess the trick is to slightly conform to the social standards. Or something.
Making friends is easy. I use to be just like you guys. I stayed in the house most of the time because after having some bad relationships with friends and girlfriends, I just said fuck it and didn't want to be bothered. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing to stay alone, because I love the extra time I had to dedicate myself to my hobbies, but eventually you're going to want some people to hang with. Oh yeah.
So, I did this. Since I was into games, anime, and whatnot, I went to what I would consider "hot spots" and engaged in conversations with people I saw there. I like DDR, so I hung around the DDR machine at an arcade and met some people there. I like to read manga, so I met some people at the bookstore who were scanning the manga section. Myspace is also good for meeting new people with similar interests. Anime conventions are, too.
I'm 22 now but I was 21 when I decided I had enough of being isolated. So I just went out and made friends, most of them I still have today. It was difficult at first because I was nervous, but just push yourself to say the first word and everything else will take care of itself.
It's not difficult to make friends. You don't have to be alone. You have a mouth, go out and use it. There are too many damn people out there to be sitting around lonely.
>>16 I agree with you. It's not hard to make friends unless you are willing to be part of it. You just have to make an effort and show that you are willing to jump onto the social train.
>>8 I guess so...although my girlfriend and I have gone out for more than three years, and now we are graduating from college.