Hi anons, I know having problems with your parents is so common it's probably going to annoy some of you to hear me whinge about it, but I could really use some opinions, and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to anyone i'm close to about it. Before explaining what happened, i'll say that in short, i've had a very bad relationship with my dad for a long time, but done my best to keep things civil.
In early january this year, I had a huge fight with my dad. Well, rather than a proper fight, it was more along the lines of him yelling nasty things, and me crying about it and telling him to shut up. He was visiting from jakarta, where he lives, so we were on a short holiday.
Things were tense and uncomfortable the entire time, I'd been going through other emotional bullshit, have severe insomnia, and desperately needed to study for upcoming final exams in subjects I was failing.
By only the second day, I was upset with how things were with my dad to the point of tears almost, and desperately wanted to go home rather than wind up crying in front of everyone or fighting with him. Dad refused to drive me to the trainstation, there were no buses, and when i realised i'd have to spend most of what little money i had on a taxi,[i have no source of income, so it sucked], it was all too much for poor emitionaly fucked up me, and a couple of tears leaked out. Dad snapped, and immediately started insulting me in a loud voice. I was shocked, and started crying, bla bla bla. The whole thing was a horrible, humilating scene, especially since i'm 22 years old and not some emo teenager [though i'm sure i must be sounding like one here].
continued...
I'd like to make it clear that my problem isn't much to do with the fight we had itself; it's that he has honestly been a pretty shitty father for a long time in my opinion, and I feel i'm worthy of better treatment, and more love than i've gotten from him. I never really complained until I was 17, when he did some nasty things and I caused a big fight about it. By then things were very, very bad, and my attempts to sort them out failed miserably. I was going through a lot of other stuff at the time, and chose to pretend like everything was fine after a few weeks instead of keep ignoring him or make another attempt at some sort of reconciliation. I've remained very hurt about a lot of things, but thought i could just continue like that as long as he didn't cause me any more majorly painful ordeals. I figured it was reasonable to expect things would be ok, since I was older and not really needing him for anything.
But, over the past few years, he's continued things like lying, rubbishing anything I tell him i'm interested in etc, and much more significantly, being a worse parent to my two little half sisters and half brother than he ever was to me. But still I kept acting like nothing was bothering me, other than trying to gently rationalise him into taking better care of my siblings.
Then, there was the fight. I was crying so much, I only heard about 1/3 or the many things he yelled at me, and i'm grateful for that. What I did hear was extremely nasty, such as mocking me for my insomnia, calling me more manipulative and nasty than his ex wife, who even my darling sweet grandma would agree redefines the meaning of nasty and manipulative, and telling me that I was ashamed of myself. No doubt the other 2/3s of the things he said which I didn't hear were about as hurtful as those I did.
The worst part is that he really seemed to beleive them. Even though I've been doing all I can about my insomnia, and it's not my fault I have it. I've never been manipulative, and everyon i've told was very shocked that anyone, let alone a family member, would think such a thing about me. I'm a reasonably nice person, I think. At least not nasty. And I certainly don't have any reason to be ashamed of myself. I have high self esteem.
It really, really hurt my feelings to find out that my dad has been thinking such awful things about me, especially when I'd been feeling that he should be more appreciative of my good qualities. It really hurt me that he would actualy go to such lengths to hurt my feelings as much as possible when I was already clearly having a difficult time and upset. Especially after I'd been making such an effort to continue keeping things nice with him, when considering the past, he doesn't deserve my niceness and forgiveness at all, he was very lucky that i'd ever resumed speaking to him after the dramas of 5 or 6 years ago.
I've felt upset whenever i've even thought about his existence ever since. I haven't been able to talk to him until the 'yes' 'no' phone call a week or so ago. I don't know whether I should just never talk to him again [well, i guess i'd have to eventually] or if i should try to explain why i'm so vastly upset ith him, or whether the best thing would be to wait some more, and try to pretend like everythings ok.
If anynon has read this far, and could offer me an opinion, I'd be very gratefull.
Suck it up buttercup. Everybody has a rough time with their parents one time or another.
it's interesting that you don't have any close friends that you can confide in. I'll think it be best you tell a close friend.. somebody who knows you well-- who knows.. maybe you are manipulative~ (I don't know you! Seems like you're the emotional type-- and maybe sometimes you are a bit manipulative w/o knowing.. but then again.. everybody are to some extent in POV)
But if not, if you are the nice person you say you are....and do not want to confide in anybody.. here's my input to this.
just a comment:: perhaps that's why your mother divorced him/??? You didn't mention about your mother, what role does she play in your life? And who were the "we" you mentioned about going on the "vacation"?
-if your father is not tthe only close family member that you have.. and you feel loved already and happy w/o him. I would totally just keep him out of my life.
-why cause more troubles for yourself?
Also, he seems like the guy in denial. Instead of accepting his faults and change, he pushes the blame to others. Please don't take him seriously--- it just seems like he's being irrational here.
-if you want to change him... i guess you'll just have to be patient and put up w/ his temper
-no parents are perfect... perhaps he has stress w/ work and relationship problems, etc.... and you have stress w/ school, etc ---> stress on both sides + emotional --> big fights!
Try to see things from his standpoint.. but if he's truly unreasonable... stop critizing his parenting skills (if you do that)-- and just spend time to get to know him more (or just live your own life!!!!! Who cares about somebody like that anyway?!)
Sry my msg is getting so long.. just random thoughts and ideas. Hope they'll give you some insight.
I have a step father who says shit about practically every family member, friend, or acquaintance he has but he says it behind their backs which I guess is at least courteous.
Some people are just really shitty and you can't change them and it sucks when they're family members because you definitely can't change that.
He obviously doesn't respect you and the only way I think you might gain it from him is to come back as hard as he gives to you.
There's a French proverb that says: "You choose your friends, not your family."
>>4
Thanks for the reply :)
I do have a couple of people I could confide in, but niether of them are very good with this sort of thing, and I don't think they'd be able to do anything other than listen.
I'm definitely not manipulative, not even a little bit. Ever since a very manipulative person appeared in my life about 15 years ago, I've thought it was disgusting and taken care never to be that way.
My mother divorced him because of certain problems of her own, rather than it having anything to do with my dad's character. I live with her at the moment, so she plays a big part in my life, I guess. The 'we' who went on vacation was myself, my dad, and my two half sisters and half brother.
I suppose I don't feel very loved, and I think that's part of the reason why I'm so upset about things becoming worse with my dad. But that's exactly what i've been thinking: 'why cause more troubles for myself?'
You're right, he certainly is in denial; and can't accept his faults. Really, the way he talks about himself, it's clear he's quite convinced he doesn't have any, lol.
Thankyou for the advice :)
How do, Anonymous,
There are books about verbal self-defense, which might be useful.
It’s really important to find somebody who knows about relationship mechanics. This person may be affiliated with a religious institution, or be a social service worker. The point is that counselors have seen all this before, and know what needs to happen for you to get on with your life. You seem to be sane and able to express yourself, so they’ll be happy to work with you.
Anecdote: If there's some kind of person you both respect, you can try this: say you'll only talk with him about (the issues that set him off) in the presence of a third party you both respect, someone who will keep things civil between you. I've done this with my own Dad, saying "If you want to talk about (this issue), let's go see Reverend D___, and talk about it there." The problem here is that my Dad is generally OK, there’s only a couple of issues he loses control over. He doesn’t insult me. So this approach may not work with your Dad.
It sounds like he's a rage-o-holic of some kind. You always have the ultimate defensive choice of divorcing him--not letting him get close enough to hurt you. This may not be an option you want to think about now, but your first responsibility is to yourself if you're being abused (and yes, even though you're not a child, you can still be abused). A restraining order is something to consider if you really need to be apart.
Then there’s the option of kicking his ass. I don’t recommend this, but it might work. It’s more likely to involve the police, one of you pulling their gun out and the wrong people getting shot, etc. (Anonymous is from Texas where this is unfortunately commonplace and not something to brag about).
Thankyou very much for the reply.
I hadn't really thought about a third party before- I've tried counseling with both my parents a few times before when I was younger, but it never helped, I think, largely because it's extremely hard to find a competent counselor of just about any kind where I live.
Also, since my Dad now lives in indonesia, and I live in australia, going to see someone together isn't a very viable option. But, i'm glad you mentioned it. I think it might be good for me to find a good counselor i can talk to on my own.
I'm not sure what a rage-o-holic is, and I hope I won't end up cutting him out of my life forever, but if I do, thankfully I have a whole ocean seperating us already, and won't need a restraining order :)
Lol, I can imagine a fight between us- tiny 22 yr old girl vs drunk 55 yr old father... he'd fall on his face, i'd kick him a couple of times, and start crying, lol. Thank goodness niether of us have any guns- australia is a much less bloodthristy place than Texas :)
it's been months now, and i still don't know what to do about it.
huh, this thread sounds like my life.....
>>Thank goodness niether of us have any guns- australia is a much less bloodthristy place than Texas
Man....that scary.....
This makes me afraid to marry, of course.....seeing parents who failed everyday sounds that those who haven't prepared might get some troubles here......
I just don't like when my children starts to question my fallacies, well....in a good way is ok to me but.....sighs....
Parents should learn more and hear more what their kids wanna tell, not enforcing their own "ideologies"....
Nothing is ideal in this world.....
I can't believe you are asking anonymous people how to deal with me. Well, that does it -- I got a gun and am going to clean it now, young lady, and I suggest you get one, too.
if you don't like him and he never does anything for YOU, don't talk to him. i find the concept of always forgiving family just for having the same blood ridiculous at times like this
>>16
which is why you're an unhappy cynist with no motivation for life.
>>18
not really, i do got some motivation in life.....
i could tell you evil parent stories that would make you cry. i've been through the parent- thinking- horrible- things- about- you thing, among other very unpleasant situations. at some point you have to just pick yourself up and move on with your life AWAY from the family.
i understand wanting to help the siblings, but unless you can prove some kind of abuse or have a ready solution for them, there is not much you can do.
the best thing i ever did was move FAR away from my family. my mom/ step dad like me a lot more when they only see me now and then.
move at least 3 hours drive away- close enough to visit, but far enough to be away from the giant oppressive parental thumb. just make sure your siblings know you are always there for them, and that you always have a safe place for them to run to if needed. that's what i did anyway.