Hey guys. I don't have a problem, but a friend of mine does, and I'm sort of concerned about him. I've never been in the position he's in, so I'm turning to you guys. I told him if he didn't post about this, I would. And he declined.
Said friend is a little older than I am. He lives in a much smaller town than I do, basically in the middle of nowhere. As such, his local university is like a branch of a larger one, and therefore has pretty low standards (at least compared to the one I went to). He's not getting much of an education at all (it's like high school level), the school doesn't have a degree program he's interested in (it's basically biology, marine sciences, and a bunch of useless stuff), and he's basically pissing away his parents' money (he lives with them, though he's pretty young). It's not just my opinion here either. He wants to do something with geology or atmospheric sciences, but there's no way he could do that in the tiny little rural town he's in. There's just no options there. I've told him that he needs to get out of there and do what he loves - he's not getting anything out of his current situation. He agrees.
We're very good friends, but it's almost like a mentor deal to him as he's somewhat naive about how the world works and reluctant to change anything about his life. I've tried to act as a role model to him and nudged him into making better decisions (trying to get out more, lose weight, make some decisions about college, stay away from really creepy ex-girlfriends). He also has a huge crush on me and there's a general feeling of admiration, it seems - though I don't know how much more successful I have been than him. I have a degree and..well, that's it. But this isn't about me :p
So with that background out of the way - here's the dilemma. He has applied essentially everywhere for a job. I take him at his word that he has no options here, employment or education, and I don't want him to NEET it up living with his parents for five years or something. He wants to get out. We discussed options such as moving to a more urban area, but the problem is that we don't know exactly how he'd get there and be able to pay for it. His parents have apparently been hostile to this, wanting him to stay in the dead-end sort of deal. So their help is essentially out of the picture.
He's recently got an offer from one of his e-friends to go live with him a few states away. I think this is a Bad Idea - not only because there's an element of attraction between him and the other friend, but his friend has a girlfriend (who apparently doesn't give a crap). This spells "drama waiting to happen" in my view, for obvious reasons, and I think he's thinking with his penis a little bit more than his brain. He's also joked about living in with me - obviously, I'm not going to let this happen. I've suggested he line up a job before he moves somewhere, but with his level of experience (read: little/none), I don't know if that would work at all. He's also at a loss for how he's going to get the money to move somewhere in the first place. So, it seems, he's correct that living with someone temporarily while finding a job is the best way to accomplish this, but he really doesn't have anyone to live with that is a positive environment.
I don't know really what to tell him at this point. I'm worried he'll end up jumping from the..what's the analogy with the frying pan again? From a bad situation into a worse one, anyway.
Is my view of the situation correct? Do any of you have advice? I really don't know what to tell him. ┐('～`；)┌
Are you making an unbiased judgement when you say he better off not going to live with the other e-friend?
It seems like he's not really at the maturity level to be out on his own. Even so, people have to be allowed to make their own mistakes. It's how we learn who we are, and how we begin to grow up.
Btw, do you realize that you sound kind of disdainful when you talk about him...? You cant really be friends AND a "mentor/ role model". True friends, whatever their situation/ age/ degree, deal with each other on equal levels. Example: My husband has a Masters degree, but most of our friends never even went to college. Yet he never sets himself up as better than anyone else- even though many of our friends are way younger than us.
>>3 Did you give that any thought at all? Or did you just match one experience of your life with one cliche and ramble it on here?
I'm sure just from TV you could see many examples of true friendship that aren't in accordance with your husband's standards
Well, it's not as if I can give an unbiased judgement about whether it's an unbiased judgement or not. I just don't think it's really a very good idea for a variety of reasons outlined above. The problem I'm having is I don't have enough experience in what he's thinking about doing to judge it against doing nothing. I might be completely wrong and it might be a great thing for him to do, but there's no way for me to know if that's the case. Am I making any sense?
>Btw, do you realize that you sound kind of disdainful when you talk about him...? You cant really be friends AND a "mentor/ role model".
Yeah, what >>4 said. I don't "set myself up to be better" than him, if I had some sort of superiority complex I wouldn't even bother to involve myself in any of this.
So, going with that friend of his has no way back? maybe it's worth trying it.
i'm not saying there is no relationship, but i wouldn't call it friendship.
I suppose you're right. Still, I know at least I'd hate to move into someone's house completely out of the blue, end up stirring up a ton of drama then get kicked out.
Perhaps this is something only he can really figure out. But I don't want a friend of mine stranded in the middle of nowhere because I told him it'd be a good idea. :|