I could have friends, but..Please help! (14)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-22 09:52 ID:mzuLJwxg

21 years old female here with a problem only the combined forces of 4-ch can solve (hopefully).
First of all - I don't make friends easily. I'm not totally unpopular, but it's hard to find woman which share my interests.
I'm not interested in anything your typical woman is interested in, like..fashion, music or even men who are considered handsome and sexy by the majority of female population (my first crush was Data from Star Trek - The next generation, the android, you know?).
My major interest is politics. Then there comes science (psychology and computer stuff), history and literature (about politics, science and history).
So, uhm, it's kind of hard to find like-minded females at my age.
Most girls think I'm strange, too serious and a killjoy (I don't like parties and stuff. I'd rather spend my weekend discussing the pros and cons of artificial insemination or the German tax structure) and I think most girls are superficial and naive.

But I really want to have female friends, I don't know why. My best friend (who is also my boyfriend), he's great and we get along really good, we can talk about almost everything, but sometimes I feel there are things I want to talk about with other females.

So, here's my problem: Whenever I meet a girl I like and I think it could fit and we could become friends, I get totally over-excited and want her to be my SUPER BEST FRIEND FOREVER.
I drop all my defences and fears and try everything to make her like me.
Without planning to, I start to fake a cheerfull, positive, easy-going personality, which I (obviously) think is more likeable then my taking-life-too-serious, calm, thinker me.

When she starts to like me aswell and we become more than acquaintances, I start to do things I don't like normally, like going out to clubs with her and stuff.
I want to discuss everything with her and hear her opinion on everything.
At the same time I think I'm opening up too much, telling her things about me, things you would tell a close friend and not someone you just start to become friends with. I later regret that and feel embarrassed about it.

So! Thats phase 1 or something. 'Cause then the strange thing happens: I lose interest.
It takes maybe 6 months until the new made friend starts to get on my nerves.
It takes me so much to make new friends and make them like me and then I just don't care anymore.
It's not that I don't like the person anymore, in my head I KNOW she's nice and smart and she cares about me and I should enoy all of this - but I just don't.
I start to make up excuses so I don't have to meet her.
When I force myself to hang out with her, I'm bored to no end and all she says is just blah,blah,blah to me - although I know it's the same stuff that seemed interesting just a few months ago.

In the end it is too vigorous for me to stay in contact with her and the friendship dies a slow, un-sensational death.
What' wrong with me? Why can't I keep a sinlge friendship alive?
It works with my boyfriend, we're a couple for 4 years now and I still enoy every second of his company.
Halp :(

2 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-22 12:15 ID:biYg6hiv

Hi there, you do indeed have some unusual interests. Please don't be offended by that remark as I'm just giving you and honest opinion concerning them.

In any case, have you thought about joining a club in your area that may have girls of similar interest? It may be a good place to start. I also find college/university students who are studying the said areas of interest (politics, sciences, etc.) may also be a good place to look for friends.

Once you're able to find them try not to jump at them forcing them to be your best friend so soon, whether or not you become best friends you come naturally once you get to know them better.

I hope my advice helps even if only a little bit. Good luck with it:)

3 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-22 13:58 ID:mzuLJwxg

Hello, thank you for your response.

>> Please don't be offended by that remark as I'm just giving you and honest opinion concerning them

Don't worry, I asked for opinions, so I have to deal with them. And I don't found your comment offending at all.

I am a member of a political activists group, but most people there are older than me. It's fun to discuss with them and talk about the ways the government tries to manipulate our lifes and such, but I don't feel like I could call them my "friends". They are more..comrades ;)

The problem with students studying science and the like is that they are mostly male. But you are right, this might be a good place to look for like-minded people.

I guess because I know that most of my friendships end within half a year, I try too much in too little time...

4 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-22 22:27 ID:rAJVwmoT

I'm sure you'll be able to find girls that you can be good friends with sooner or later. The important thing is to keep trying and not to give up.

Let us know how it goes and if my advice doesn't work out I'm sure we can think of other ways to help.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-22 22:47 ID:Fs37ygk1

It's weird that u have a bf and have been together with him for 4 yrs. Ewww.

6 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-23 17:20 ID:23VjErfh

>I start to fake a cheerfull, positive, easy-going personality

I says it right there. Right from the start you go into "fake" mode, playing a conquering game. Once your mission is completed, the fun of the game goes away. It actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

I'd suggest approaching people you think you might like in a less fake way. Try to see social contrct more as a mutual trade between two equals, instead of you selling yourself to the other. When the friendship is based on something you perceive as more "real", it might last longer without getting boring.

Or, alternatively, you could come to terms with the fact you just like to friend-hop, and enjoy your little social theater performences. It's your choice really, I can see how both might be enjoyable.

7 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-23 19:24 ID:KNIjMwV/

i would switch my friends for a 4 year relationship & girlfriend anyday. Friends are very overrated.

8 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-23 23:15 ID:23VjErfh

You must have shitty friends.

9 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-23 23:53 ID:Oxj91iY5

i also have very few female friends, the one i have who actually lives near me is 14 years younger than me (i'm 35)... it's hard as hell to find womem my age with my interests (loud violent music- esp. jrock, anime, video games, asian horror movies, potty humor, general immaturity and naughtiness).

i have no kids, and have infertility issues, so all the chicks my husband tries to get me to befriend are all about the kids etc. it's a sore spot for me, so i'm not interested. i also don't care about fashion, shopping, scrap booking, cross stitching, dinner parties, wine tasting, or whatever other crap women my age are into.

being my age sucks complete ass, for real.

so anyway, i feel you. but guy friends are awesome too.

10 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-24 02:14 ID:Heaven

You should try to sex your friends sometimes.

11 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-25 07:40 ID:mzuLJwxg


>>Once your mission is completed, the fun of the game goes away. It actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

I took some time to think about this and it does make sense.
The girls I chose to befriend are usually more popular than I am (not the ├╝ber-girly ones, but still). Part of the fun is to see their friends go all like "WTF you're haning out with HER?" - but that would be horrible, wouldn't it?

Yesterday I've spent the evening with a girl I know for maybe a year. The friendship went exactly the way I described it above(like they always do), now she's leaving for Paris for half a year, yesterday it was goodbye and I couldn't care less.
Shouldn't the thought of her not being around for half a year sadden me?
Maybe I should try to be more honest when appraoching people. But then I have the problem that I'm not very likeable.

And I always thought being 35 will be way more easier than being 21. Thanks for ruining my future prospects! Just joking...but I really hoped it'll become easier.

12 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-28 12:23 ID:mzuLJwxg

No other opinions? :(

13 Name: are they jealous? : 2008-07-28 12:57 ID:SuOqj9V8

You seem pretty brainy, and I've observed that women are sometimes competitive with each other and don't want to be around other women who make them feel dumb. My guess is your "friends" get jealous over time because you show an interest in a wide range of subjects, showing your intelligence/independence and breaking stereotypes. And women get really jealous if you are smart and have a decent figure. I can let you know if that is the case -- just post some topless photos of yourself on the web and then give us the link here. I'll peruse them and get back to you.

14 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-28 18:04 ID:Heaven


tl;dr being a woman makes you a monster

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