Need help being more sociable (17)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-26 10:38 ID:vZ95ho8H

I'm 18 and I have a bit of a social anxiety problem. I only have 2 friends and I have also never even talked to a girl for more than a couple seconds. I hate being in crowded places and because of that school was hell for me. Going to school everyday was a struggle because I was scared of seeing all those people. I stuck with it however and graduated this year and got accepted into a decent university. I recently attended my universty's freshman orientation which was a 3 day thing and I knew that it was definately gonna take me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and just the thought of being with all those other people in the dorms scared the hell out of me. I knew that eventually I would be moving into my real dorm and not just for 3 days, so I took this chance to actually jump out there and try to make some friends.

I thought I did alright for my first time actually trying to socialize with others. I tried to talk to as many people as I could but I felt like a wierdo for trying so hard like that. I got to know to some people at least and even exchanged contact info with a few of them. There was even a little party that went on where I drank alcohol for my first time. I didn't actually enjoy myself at the party becasue I felt so akward and didn't talk to anyone, but at least I put myself out there.

I have no idea how to act in social situations so I have a few question.

Well first off I need help with actually making friends. How would people normally go up to someone and try to make friends with them? I was able to approach people at the orientation because I asked simeple questions like, "Where are you from?", "What school did you come from?" "What other schools did you apply to?", "What do you think of the campus?", etc. But in any other situation how would one normally start talking to someone? Also is it normal just to walk up to someone like after class or something and start talking to them?

Next I need help on making actual conversation. I felt like after asking and answering the simple questions ("Where you from?" "What schools?" etc.) I was out of ammo. I had no idea what to say to anyone. I felt so akward for not knowing what to say. I also began talking out of my ass and saying stupid shit because I felt like I had nothing to say. What do people normally talk about and how do you talk to people with nothing in common with you?

And finally I need help being around girls. I feel so nervous when I'm in the presence of a girl, I think my voice even squeeked one time when a pretty girl asked me a question. I have no self confidence at all and I find it hard to look a girl in the eyes because I get very self conscious. I don't think I could even pay a hooker to have sex with me becasue I'd be too shy and uncomfortable.

Please help me. I seriously want to change myself.

2 Name: 43 : 2008-07-26 21:01 ID:KTHEM01l

First of all, give it time.

Now, when meeting someone it is easier if you ask questions for they can bring up a number of topics. Avoid questions that you wouldn't like to be asked. I usually find that music is a nice topic to break the ice: if they have the same taste in music you can talk about your preferences, If you don't then you can ask them to recommend something to give it a try.

Approaching people after class could be a bit awkward unless you have a reason for it.

Regarding girls, I don't have an specific advice but when I meet important people at my job I try to keep in mind that they are as fallible as me for they are humans as well. They sweat, they sneeze, cough, fart, get sick, pee, etc. etc. etc. Also, in my opinion If a person prejudges you then you're better off not talking to them, it's not worth it.

Good luck

3 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-26 22:06 ID:WkhtNRH7

Social anxiety tends to be caused by excessive monitoring of your internal emotional state and the reactions of others. That is, you analyse yourself and the situation too much. This might sound weird, but if you can find a way to think less during conversations and be a bit more spontaneous, you'll find it goes better.

If you were seeing a psychologist about this they would put you through cognitive behavioural therapy, but I take it that's not an option so all you can do is treat it like training. Practice social interaction until it becomes second nature. Accept that you will make mistakes (everyone does) and they might be embarrassing, but it's not the end of the world if you do. Every experience of social interaction makes you cooler, more easy-going and nicer to be around, so long as you don't go out of your way to be a bastard. Good luck and godspeed, anon.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2008-07-27 13:50 ID:27EjFkc9

>>3
Excellent post.

5 Name: NotOP : 2008-07-28 03:30 ID:rXjVYzeJ

>>3

Hey, I just realized I might have social anxiety. At least to the point that overanalyze myself and social situations way too much. You are right though, with friends I can let a conversation just flow. Talk for hours and so on. Hell, I'm fine at work too. As long as I'm in a situation that sort of "forces" you to communicate I do wonderfully.

Problem is outside of that, I assume no one wants to talk or I have nothing to say or it's not really a situation that allows for conversation (like in class). And maybe it's just me, but it seems like it's hard to find people who are actually willing to "converse." That is to say, at times I feel like I tend to do most of the talking and that they're not pulling their conversational weight.

That prodding, questioning sort of conversation is just uncomfortable.

6 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-09 08:52 ID:4VnPh3sB

>>5

Shit, I feel exactly the same... I always feel like the other person is not interested in what I say, and sometimes I'm actually not interested in what they say. Then I can't figure out what to say and remain silent, and the awkwardness continues for however long...

7 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-10 21:26 ID:b+45mfig

I really can't offer any advice but your not alone, I'm essentially in the exact same place as you. The only thing I can say is that recognize this problem, recognize it is something you can overcome and that as long you set out to do just that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also here's some food for thought:
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/

8 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-12 13:17 ID:M5NCGbYC

>>5
I have the exact problem, except that I'm a girl and I'm in a university course where my social awkwardness sticks out like a sore thumb. Whenever I engage with someone (that I've just met) in a conversation, it never flows. It's always stagnated one-liners followed by long pauses. Normally I just smile and laugh to convey my friendly intentions, but that act is boring and gets old. I want to be able to engage a random person in conversation and arouse interest and get past the initial civility. I can talk to guys, but that took me a while to get over. And even now I struggle to have a meaningful conversation with one.

Is it normal to go home and think about a conversation that you had earlier in the day? Or to review/reflect on almost every situation right after it happened, thinking "I should've said this or that"?

9 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-12 13:51 ID:PN5wREh7

>>8

>>Is it normal to go home and think about a conversation that you had earlier in the day? Or to review/reflect on almost every situation right after it happened, thinking "I should've said this or that"?

I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but I know that I do that all the time. Usually, though, it's in the context of "you shouldn't have said that, you fucking moron."

10 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-13 10:19 ID:M5NCGbYC

>>9

Well, at least I'm not alone, but I probably still over-analyse more that most. Managed to string together a few words to my crush today. I found out the more that I got to know him, the less that I'm attracted to him. I could probably only see him as a friend at most now. I'm pleased that I didn't fall for him as hard as I thought I did :)

11 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-13 10:20 ID:M5NCGbYC

I know that last bit was off thread topic, but I just had to say it.

12 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-13 14:56 ID:+RsypzfT

I'm 22 and my college starts soon (long story). I'm hoping I could get some friends there, and I guess the best way would be to hang out in those club thingys and whatnot do they have for first year students... the more drunk the better :/.

I dont think I'll get to know people during lessons and such, I'm too boring to be social when I'm sober. But not having friends for the last ~2 years isnt that nice either.

tl;dr get drunk, and you wont analyze yourself and the situation so much

13 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-13 15:28 ID:RbyJ3/rc

Just keep putting yourself out there, social skills is something that you learn through practice. As long as you stick with it you will start getting better at it. Just try to find a subject you can talk about with a person to help get the conversation going.

Nobody is going to care if youre a nerd or whatever, as long as you carry yourself with confidence you can be whatever the hell you want and still be accepted.

14 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-13 20:00 ID:ysScyfRi

Instead of get drunk you can have something else to think.
When your body is tired or your mind bothering with something important (other than "what other ppl are thinking of you"), I'm sure you are less shy.

Don't bother making up conversation, beeing silent is not always bad (but stay polite and smile at jokes).

15 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-15 14:21 ID:F+7BPYSx

theres only one way to get over this PRACTICE.

if you keep getting out there and talking to people and flirting wioth memebers of the opposite sex you'll get over your fear.

people assume that the popular kids are just born that way or that confidence is a trait people have or they don't have. nothing could be further from the truth. like most things in life it's a skill that you can aqquire.

and 8 you can speed up this process by wearing a lowcut top men are simple this way ;)

16 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-15 19:14 ID:N69egC3w

agreed with PRACTICE.

Just try socializing and going out there and you will develop your skills over time. Everyone has that slight bit of anxiety, which is of course bigger if you aren't used to talking with complete strangers before and will feel a bit strange. It is okay to quit conversation if you run out of things to talk about, try to find common interests, and if you don't, you can do "it was nice talking to you, see you around"

There are many things you can try, like one anon posted a link. Try not to analyze while in the conversation but before or after that. Seeing your mistakes -everyone does them- you'll get better and better, and you can think on what to talk in a next conversation. The more you talk with people, the more topics of conversation you will get.

Be in it for knowing the people, they are all people after all, and having fun, not the 'talk stuff' itself. :)

17 Name: Anonymous : 2008-08-20 20:02 ID:hQwHocMz

first things first. if you want people to realize you you have to make sure you have a clean look and a good smile. psychologically people link smiles to happiness so theyll be mor willing to talk to you. and when you smile your brain processes things differently than when you dont.

and its not bad to think about what happened that day in review. think about how you could have steered different conversations in different ways so if the situation ever comes up again (which it will) you know what to do already.

and make sure you have mints or gum on you to keep fresh breath because no one will speak to someone thats gonna make their eyes squint.

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