I'm 22, a virgin, and have never dated. I spent my childhood, teenage years and three years of college inside playing computer games. This is my senior year in college. I'm shaping up and over the summer lost ~50 pounds and cut my hair. I've also acquired a fashion sense.
But my concern is that I can't make up for lost time and that, socially, I'm still a kid. People in my class are dating and some getting engaged(!). I've also heard that people tend to marry the person they dated their senior year of college.
Clearly I can't/won't socialize with people who themselves are developing socially; namely, teenagers. Will I be able to properly associate, romantically and otherwise, with people my own age but far beyond my years in terms of social ability, or am I doomed to be permanently socially retarded? If so, how can I catch up without appearing as a creep, weirdo or immature?
You sound like me, but five years older.
What I'm doing - and it's halfway working - is just thrusting myself into situations where I am surrounded by peers who have similar interests. Try going places where people with like-interests meet up, you can talk with 'em and meet potential friends. Just venture out of your comfort zone, and you'll be stumbling over decent people.
As for a girlfriend/boyfriend, I wouldn't worry about it just yet. Making and keeping friends is something I'm still shabby at; I figure that if I can't keep a friend I probably won't be able to make a significant other happy, although it might be better for you. Getting engaged is something... people should put off for a while. Marriage should be serious business. But, in the end, you're the sole judge of what you can do. Do it if it feels right, and you can't go wrong. It just takes a little time for everything to come together. Take it easy and keep on going, and soon you'll be just where you want to be.
Yes, it exists.
My mom had a female friend who never dated in her whole life, and was a virgin when she died aged 76.
Actually, she was like a witch, had awesome clothes and sense of fashion and cooked very well. She sometimes held parties at her place but didn't interact with people much.
She preferred the company of cats or if it must be humans then toddlers.
Her social skills were non-existent but at the same time she was somehow above others, above the need for relationships and she was cool and had pride.
So maybe it's not right to call it "retardation". I think you should embrace your soul.
>>3
While this is certainly an interesting story, I think your mother's friend is a different case entirely than OP. She seems to have just been a solitary person (and comfortable with it), while OP has social difficulties and is concerned about whether or not they can be surmounted. Just because someone is currently in a non-social state it does not mean that they wish to stay that way.
>>1
I would try to give you specific advice, but I do not think that it would be very helpful as am in a similar situation to yourself, though I personally enjoy being alone. I don't have very much experience in exerting myself or trying to make myself more sociable. What I can say, though, is that any difficulties such as what you are experiencing can be overcome. You are not retarded, only inexperienced, and while you may not be able to go back to high school and date, you (with a bit of work) can certainly socialize with your peers and develop relationships. There's also a good chance that you come off as less weird than you think you do since you are being critical of yourself. Take it easy and just get out there. Good things are bound to happen.
OP here.
I've been socializing and observing and I have the following questions:
>>5
1) It's definitely a "you'll just know" thing. There's no set guidelines, ie "you must ask her out after exactly three months of acquaintance or she will reject you". You just gotta feel it.
2) Practice speaking in front of the mirror. Just introduce yourself to yourself. Just simple stuff like "Hi, my name is >>1, I am 22 years old and blah major in college blah blah", et cetera.
3) There's definitely no universal guidelines for this. It's just whatever the group feels like talking about. Sometimes my friends and I talk about politics, and sometimes we tell dead baby jokes. It all depends on your group of friends. Just listen to their conversations for a while (and try to provide input where you can) and gradually you'll get a feel for what's appropriate.
OP here.
I was informed today that I'm "that guy." The creepy guy. The one who doesn't fit in anywhere socially.
My sophomore and junior years I lived in the substance-free dorm, which is peopled by neckbeards and xenophobes. Apparently the image has carried over despite what I've done to improve my appearance.
As a senior I'm out of here at the end of the year, and I don't know how if it's possible to remedy the situation. It seems that the only way to make things better is by moving on to a new place where no one knows me. Is this true?
No, there are always other ways.
But it's not a bad idea. Reinvent yourself, and see how much success you have. If not much, do it again until you succeed.
OP here. Here's yet another question:
Do people enter in to relationships with the belief that the relationship will last and that they will eventually get married and settle down? Or do some people enter relationships because they just want someone to be with? Are there multiple reasons for entering in to a relationship?
>>9
Yes, there are different reasons. Some people are only interested in long-term relationships and settling down while other people want less serious commitments or to just see how things end up. IMO if you're going to enter into a relationship it is a good idea to make sure the other party knows what your intentions are.
>>10
Okay. And how do I go about that? I highly doubt it's as easy as asking the question outright.
>>11
Well first you'll need to get to know whoever it is that you'd like to try and have a relationship with. Go on a few dates and things like that. By the time you get around to asking them out you'll probably be a bit more comfortable talking to them and you'll be able to bring up things like what you want out of a relationship in casual conversation.
>>10 here. I'd like to alter something I said.
>IMO if you're going to enter into a relationship it is a good idea to make sure the other party knows what your intentions are.
What I meant was, it's better if both you and your partner can come to the same conclusion on the type of relationship you'd like to have or whether you want to be serious or not. I don't mean that when you ask someone out you should say "Will you go out with me? I only want a serious relationship, though!" but just make sure you're both close to the same mindset. Depending on the same situation you may not even need to talk about it. Just go with it and see what happens.
No, it doesn't. Some "shy" people have a hard time relating to other people, and others are just simply afraid.
We act out our difficulties in many ways. We also have tendencies, in body, speech and mind that harm our desire to interact properly, and positively, with others.
I could write volumes about the variety of methods that you could use eliminate your problem, but I'm not going to bother because I know nobody would listen to me anyway.
What I will do, however (and this is given assuming that you might actually be willing to apply some beneficial advice), is give you a few pointers as to how to go about changing your life:
What does that mean? It means that you should stop doing what you normally do and find something new, enjoyable, and stimulating that will not separate you from others.
4. I often compare the process of developing new mental/emotional/social skills to the process of learning to swim. When you're learning to swim, you generally want to avoid jumping into the deep end of the pool. It's better to wade in cautiously and practice what you know in the shallower parts until you feel comfortable enough to go in deeper.
This advice comes from experience by-the-way. I've had the same problems and concerns as you and I've come out the other side so I know it's possible. Just keep in mind that it's not going to be fun or easy!
Fun is staying inside and playing video games! Easy is writing yourself off as a hopeless outcast!
Be honest with the people you meet. I was, and I wound up being taken around to meet people and made some really close friends.
I used to perform on stage, and the first few times I told the audience I was new to it and felt awkward. Next thing I know, they're on my side, helping me out and being great.
Just be real about it and people won't think you're so weird when you "mess up", they'll remember that you told them ahead of time that you felt you had some catching up to do. And they'll probably help you out, people like to feel that someone thinks they're cool enough to learn things from.