Hi,

My life story: I'm an incredibly talented musician (it runs in my family, my parents and grandparents made/make loads playing their instruments, and every teacher, even famous ones, have told me I am one of if not the most talented brightest people they have met), I went to one of (if not) the top arts boarding schools in high school for music and was really inspired there and practiced a lot, and did really well and was happy and was on a great course.

Then I went to college, to study with a teacher that I loved to work with and met in high school, and it happened to be a HUGE public university and I went there for two years. I did absolutely nothing during my two years there and was probably clinically depressed. I don't really know what to say, I never went to class, I was addicted to vidyagames (I kind of was in high school anyway), I didn't practice, and I felt like shit. My teacher actually died (he was like 85 when I met him), so I now live at home and gig around the city I live in, making probably like 15-20k a year and could make a lot more if I wanted to, but I'm a fucking idiot.

I can't stand living at home and I feel like my parents treat me like I'm 5 (my other older siblings have always had the same complaint, not to say I'm right, but I feel kind of justified, they are kind of control freaks).

My parents don't want me to go back and finish my degree elsewhere, because they think I have what it takes to be a complete success in music and make like 90k+ a year. Problem is, I have a lot of trouble practicing and working at home, and I end up surfing the net and procrastinating and only practicing like one or two hours a day when I should be putting in 5+ hours a day.

I really want to go back to school, somewhere in a different state if possible, just to be on my own again and enjoy freedom from my parents, but I worry that I will just piss a few years away again like I did in college. I have always had a problem with having incredibly high expectations for myself, and then falling short time and time again.

I also have a chance to win a few jobs in the next few months, that would pay me full salary in different cities. But I just can't get myself to practice 5+ hours everyday like I know I can, and I know if I do that I should have a really good chance at winning a job (I've come really close so far.)

I have no fucking idea what to do. My parents get upset when I talk about reapplying to college and don't want me to reapply to college, saying it would be a waste for me and that I am so close to winning a job, but I feel like I can't win a job with the present situation and feel like we would all be happier if I lived on my own anyway (I just turned 21).

To add to that, I feel fucking depressed all the time and I feel like I was so much more creative in high school and I really don't even want to be doing what I'm doing (as I said my parents and grandparents were all musicians and I'm just following in their footsteps, so I know what I'm getting myself into.) But also, I'm not really good at anything than music, I was always an average student.

Any ideas? I know the internets is a dangerous place, but shit, what the hell.

Thanks for reading, seems like I wrote a book.

Well, if you suffer from depression, you should seek professional help. That's what they are there for, and they can be very efficient at helping you out of your hole. One of the big problems with depression is that people think they can manage on their own, when they can't. Nobody thinks they can heal from cancer by themselves, but they delude themselves about depression. So get yourself checked up. At least you didn't commit suicide, that's already a plus. Second, if someone treats you, they will be able to communicate with your family, getting them to better understand your problems.

Second, I would carefully consider your options here: Maybe if you treat your depression you may be able to go to university. Or maybe university is not your thing, too impersonal for the kind of training you require. You could consider alternative forms of learning, with more personal and close follow up. Maybe starting to work now is also not such a bad idea, perhaps you'll be more motivated earning your money and being independent while practising your trade. If you really want to quickly become independent from your parents, that's the fastest way. So far, you have proven beyond doubt that you are not fit to go to University on you own on your parents funding, that's a fact. So as long as nothing changes on that front, I wouldn't be surprised your parents have cold feet about that. More importantly, I think it's not good for you. No point in wasting 2 more years trying again exactly what failed in the past. Your parents may be control freaks, but you also have yet to prove you can act responsibly and autonomously. I would say it's more about you changing your attitude than their's.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm a few years younger, some of the same stuff has happened to me, you sound like myself as well. Perhaps the commonality between us matters, perhaps not. Here's hoping it does, a little.

Thanks for your replies.

I forgot to add that when I went to university I had a full scholarship and room and board, so my parents weren't financially distraught then, and even though I live at home I pay for my own car, rent, and I buy my own groceries. If I went back to school though, they might have to pay a little for the first year seeing as I got terrible grades in college, but since it is music, I still could possibly get a full ride at a school that really wants me there since its not all that academically based.

I've never had any suicidal thoughts or anything, aside from joking about it because I think its funny, but nothing serious, but I think I want to look into depression. I just mostly feel that I COULD be so much more productive, and I don't feel inspired at all, and from reading into depression a bit it seems to fit the bill.

I really just need to get a fulltime job doing what I do, and I have a few chances in the next month, I think that would solve everything to be very honest. But, maybe if I even did win a job and was making like 50k to start, living in a different city in a different state, I could very well be unhappy with my life situation still.

"Your parents may be control freaks, but you also have yet to prove you can act responsibly and autonomously. I would say it's more about you changing your attitude than their's."

I very much agree with that statement, thanks for wording it so well :)

oh god, if I was you I'd go to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to not lose that talent :(