Everywhere I go, people have shunned me. Either I'm the third wheel in the group, only turned to when nobody else is around, or whenever I say something to the group or to someone randomly, they act totally surprised that I'm there. Even when I was much younger, my "friends" would go off and chat with other people, only giving me the barest of necessary courtesies at greetings and at partings. Or they'd expect me to do something crazy or a silly act, like I was just something amusing for them to watch. If I didn't, then they'd say nothing. Sometimes they all leave me, like I was nothing more than an ornament for them. I confront them on their bullshit and they dodge the issue or are offended that I'm offended or offer asshole rationalizations.
When I'm assigned to work in groups with other people, they immediately band together, only asking me for advice at the last minute or for my confirmations, then have their little conversations together, always excluding me.
Now that I'm older, people usually ignore me whenever I see them randomly if I try and greet them or they address me without even looking at me. So I ignore them in turn and then they address me, like I'm some pitiable creature all alone. Or they talk to me in exaggeration, like they're pretending to be interested in me.
Sometimes when I'm walking in places, I've seen people walking towards me actually move a few paces away from where they'd meet my side. I meet someone in class who was surprisingly really friendly to me then when I see them in public they look at me like I'm a stranger or they don't notice me.
I've always been the introvert, but whenever I approach people out of genuine interest to break out of my shell, I know they're still shunning me because they're disinterested or put up a facade reveal their real feelings when they rarely associate with me. I don't act strange or anything, all I try to do is maintain a genuine conversation. Strangers commonly stare at me at times or whenever I walk past them, they immediately look at me, no matter how brief, usually making fake bullshit smiles along the way, like I'm some freak in a cage needing to be placated.
That's all. Really sometimes people say I don't smile enough or whatever but even in new locations with new people they act like this. I want to be loved, not with fake pity or an obligation type love because everyone in the social group has to get some attention but real love. There are times when I explode in rage at people over this and they actually weep, and I can never understand why they do this when our joke of a friendship is thin as is.
I feel the same because I guess I overanalyze people, and I worry about it. I get stared at too, but I've learned not to get mad. What I can tell you is, to do an activity to get your mind off it. Pick up an instrument or an outdoor activity.
>>2, being in a similar situation to >>1 I can appreciate the thought, as abstruse as it may seem.
The concept of an instrument or hobby improving social situations only applies to social activities; otherwise it's merely a confidence builder.
>>1, some potential causes of isolation are basic social diplomacy, ugliness (if you're an American), a lack of distinguishing attributes, and sad countanance. Also, independent thought is currently out of style.
Improve yourself, don't conform, move along.
>>1 The reason of your isolation is your basic shyness and lack of social skills. Your case is extremely common, and it boils down to this: if you are withdrawn, people will start ignoring you, because getting some interaction from you requires too much energy. This energy will be better spent on other people which respond more with less effort. You then enter into a vicious circle, because your lack of social exposure prevents you from gaining basic social skills, which makes it even more difficult to get into contact with people.
Fortunately, there is a very simple way of breaking out of that vicious circle. It's simple, but not so easy, as it requires conscious effort from you. If you are not ready to sweat on it, you can just forget it. You basically need to review your interests, and enter into a group activity based on it. People socialize naturally with other people with whom they share common interests. So in this way you will compensate for your initial handicap. But that's just a starting point. You still need to reach out for people, and really put an effort in developing your social skills (hint: try to have more empathy for them), otherwise you'll waste your initial advantage.
Good luck!
This isn't about some high school need for acceptance with the in crowd, it's about me facing resentment everywhere I go. Even in social groups, I am always the odd man out for...oh, no reason of course. Even around total strangers in new locations. Sometimes much older people stare at me or act strangely withdrawn around me. All I want is for people to not completely shun me or simply to treat me like they would anyone else, which is to socialize normally.
I have almost the exact same problems as you described except for the anger issues which might be making your problems worse. My advice though is to stop looking at the people around you you can only recognize that someone is activly avoiding you if you see them and if you look at someone with an unhappy or angry or just your basic apathetic face which could be interprited badly people will avoid you. think about it your walking to class and some person by himself looks up and stares at you its unerving its natural for you to respond in a negative fashion. I know its hard and I could really use some better advice as well but on the other hand I guess its best to just not worry about it when you overanylize things its harder to comunicate and lastly I think its important to remember that very few people act genuine in social situations most people just pertend its not something to be upset about thats just how it is and in order to fit in sometimes you have to pretend.I have more but this post is too long as it is
>>5 Are you really sure that what you observe is real, or a personal bias? Maybe people don't really give a shit about you, but you always treat the barest of evidence as something against you. I don't say this is true or not, it might be a possibility. It's just that most of the time, people don't care about other people, so unless you have some really salient distinctive feature (like being black in China), people will look you over.
If indeed people look you funny, then there is something in your attitude, posture, clothing that motivates this reaction. You might actually ask them what it is. After all, they can probably tell you (not useful in all situations, but since you claim this happens to you all the time, you will find yourself in a situation in which it's not so difficult to ask).
Again, find someone strange takes more energy than just ignore him, so there must be something you are doing to induce that. Find out what it is, and let us know, I'm curious ^_^
>>4 You know what?, that's what I've discovered. I don't have empathy for people. I figure I got through some of my problems alone so I should let people pick up on their own. A bit cold, I might say.
>>8 Yep, unfortunately, that's a terrible handicap when you want to have friendships. But if you don't mind being a loner, it's fine, and everybody will be happy. There's only a problem when you feel you need relationships despite lacking empathy.
>>9 I can tell that I've forced myself to listen and experimented to get it right. Even then I get carried away talking about the things I like, so at times I would stay quiet and keep to myself. I have friends I hang out with and drinking helped out alot but I'm still not able to have a conversation properly. What you mentioned is the problem; I'm in need of a girl.
>>10 just make sure you don't rely too much on alcohol in order to socialize. Last month I went to the funeral of a guy who died because of that.
I find >>4's point on empathy deeply important, and it's very important to understand people's reactions to your acts; the empathetic "careing," intuitive aspect isn't really needed in social context.
We humans must understand the emotional 'language' of an subject (even groups) to converse.
Change how you interact, but those who do so too readily are the conformists.
Humans are often as beasts; the blatantly odd spooks them, ignorgance brings a degree of discomfort in all but the best of us.
>>14 yeah... I am not that great at it but I'm pushing. I'm trying not to curl up about it and let it go. Just yesterday I didn't do too well at socializing, but I managed not to think about it.
Ugh, I just read returned from the site of the ad at the top of my page, and it was disheartening what it said of humanity.
The socially successful make others (whom they value) feel cared about or empowered and often hurt others to cement authority.
Demagogues and emotion rule the conformed, stale, masses. Be warned that to be treated well by all but the best you must be an amiable beast.
OP and outcasts, don't go too machiavellian (wiki it if you don't understand) or you will destroy opportunity.
Fuck those other people, why do you need to socialize with asshole who turn their backs on you? Find other people who will treat you with fucking respect.
Demand respect, you'll get respect.
>>18 There's always two sides to the story mate, like MLK and Malcolm X. You can force it to be a prick and have phony compassion or talk it out and be comfortable. There's the gray aswell, where sometimes you have to be a dick and a charm. I hang out with people of different styles and attitude but somehow were like brothers.
>>19, that kind of thing doesn't seem to happen as often in my culture/ region; I wonder how the differing personas are held together. My guess is that either all are very accepting, they all share one hobby, or they are held together by one strong heart.
As with >>OPsan, I need a change of scene and recently found the value of boldness, acceptance,and showing compassion. No new friends yet but many aquaintances, but never tolerate the cruel.
dude there's always plastic surgery :)
I've been trying to figure this crap out for years. If you find some solution, let me know.
I empathize with you fully, and I find I get the same treatment from most of my 'girlfriends'. I have my own opinions, and they take them as insult because they find me too complicated to socialize with. I don't conform to their dress codes or the proper hairstyles and makeup and they shun me, they are really missing out on developing authentic relationships, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, this crap is still happening to me and I'm in my thirties. I find men are much easier to be friends with, as they are less critical and more accepting of creativeness and individuality. I wish you the best in meeting people, it's no easy task when you aren't a phony. just my thoughts.
I have a few questions, thats start off with:
Are you hygienic...do you clean, do you smell?
How is your appearance, do you look like a junkie?
What is your usual body and face appearance? do you look like your gonna beat the crap out of someone, are looked depressed or unfriendly looking?
What is your body movements say? loose limbs and a tad gay or crossed arms, defensive and such?
do you know what to talk about when involved with a conversation?
do you push on your decisions or listen to others and follow?
and so on...
>Are you hygienic
I do shower daily
>How is your appearance, do you look like a junkie?
>What is your usual body and face appearance?
slack jaw'd retard
think jaakko arvinen
>What is your body movements say? loose limbs and a tad gay or crossed arms, defensive and such?
both of those I imagine
>do you know what to talk about when involved with a conversation?
not really, no
>do you push on your decisions or listen to others and follow?
if I can't help avoiding decisions I'll tend to follow others
Dear OP,
I also hate you. It sounds fun, and everyone is doing it, anyways.
Now have a week end, and don't forget to spread the hate ^_^
Dear OP,
If you hadn't told us this, I probably wouldn't say it to you. But now I know that you had this problem, I can say this loudly and proudly.
"You have Dark Aura. You belong to the DARK SIDE"
mwahahahhaa
I have a friend who seems to have this problem. It comes off to everyone else as him just oversensitive/analytical. Nobody had a problem with him until he started having tantrums about how everybody hates him, ignoring people, or giving nothing but glares as reactions. Last week he asked to eat lunch, and explained to me on the way over that he wanted to kill me. I've tried to re approach him in a way that would avoid making him feel like everyone hates him, but it's like if you're busy for one day, or just want to go home early and sleep, it induces a huge reaction. Nobody had a problem with him until he started acting volatile all the fucking time. Now the general feeling is, "Yeah, he's cool when he's not on his period." Feels like fucking grade school all over again.
tl;dr: Don't exclude the possibility that it's all in your head. If you have some beef, try to explain it rationally, without getting angry.
Take a bath, cut your hair, shave, get a new wardrobe, and actually do something interesting, then you can have something interesting to talk about with people ect.
>>30 http://www.frenchtruckers.com/img/american-apparel-hoodie.jpg YO GUYS GOT A NEW WARDROBE HOWS ABOUT IT!!
spits on insignificant socially awkward scum
IM SEXY AND INTERESTING!!!
neurosis
dont worry dude
if you are skinny: eat more
if you think you does not look good:follow my style wear black and white(cool!)
if you are not clever:just ignore it, i dont care my studies
if you are neardy:maybe it time to wear contact lens, if possible start to scold vulgar? maybe that will at least boost a little bit of confidence
I have the same prob. too, don't over analize them, just say fuck it and take care of your own business. As I've been figuring out, focusing too much on the problem will get you nowhere so just, with all do respect, get a life. You'll feel better, though it still sucks.
>>33 This guy's right. You should just be who you are and continue on with your life. All I can recommend is try and make your life meaningful. Find a dream and fulfill it.
I feel down and depress at times, but I always remind myself that I have a goal that I need to reach. I have something I want to do. My dream was to become an artist. I don't want to go an a tangent about my dreams and crap you don't need to hear. But my point is to find something that could show progress in your life and bring out the talent that every human being has.
fapping is the answer. fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap
