I've had my dog for eleven and a half years. Not once have I ever regretted having him be a part of my life. As with all pets though, the inevitable death is upon us. He contracted cancer six years ago but fought it off well. Six months ago he had tumors which we had removed, then three weeks ago we got the bad news. Lymphatic cancer, no chance of recovery... etc, etc. Unlike the first time I could tell he wasn't doing good. All he does is drink, and he barely eats. He's lost eight pounds in two weeks. We suspect he also has some fluid in his lungs... I wouldn't doubt it, as his breathing has started to become a chore. He pants as if he were constantly fatigued. His lethargy is the real killer... all save for when people come to visit him. He still manages to put on a show, albeit a short one. Those moments aside, seeing him lie motionless just brings me down so much.
It's strange, because I am an extremely jaded person. Even so, this dog helped me see that there are things in this world that aren't corrupt... but he'll be leaving me tomorrow. He isn't in obvious pain yet, but it's only a matter of time before he goes...
I made the decision to have him put down earlier this week. It was agonizing, but as I type this I wonder where the time went. I still have until 5 PM, but no amount of time is ever going to be enough.
Am I really doing the right thing? Last time I could tell he wanted to live. The vigor in his eyes is gone now, he just seems tired. I can't blame him.
It's just unbearable knowing he'll be gone. I've lost plenty of extended family during his time with me, but I've never felt this grief before. The last time I shed tears was as a child, but now they've come back to me, albeit silently.
I just wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. Even so, I feel so guilty about what I am going to do. Looking into his eyes is almost painful... it's almost as if he knows. Undoubtedly he can pick up on my sadness... perhaps he's reflecting it. Keeping him like this would be selfish though... and waiting until he cannot even bear to walk is cruel.
The least I can do is be with him as he takes his last breath. Even though he'll be sleeping I want him to know that I'm there with him, and that I'm so sorry that it had to come to this. If a dog is capable of forgiveness... then I hope he'll grant me it. This was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life.
I don't think I can ever bring this upon myself again. These past three weeks have been horrible, but I would give anything to just be with him longer. I just don't know what to feel right now. The grief will subside with time, but the memory of my companion will never leave me.
I just wish I had known. Every moment I had with him was a treasure.
I'm not really sure why I wrote this here. While I have other blogs, I don't think I can let the world know this weakness of mine. At the same time, I feel I am doing the greatest injustice possible to one of my greatest friends, especially if I can't even bring myself to acknowledge what it is doing to me.
So it is here, under the guise of anonymity, that I share my thoughts. Even if he forgave me I don't think I could ever forgive myself for what is to come. All I can do is be there with him as he exhales his final breath... but that will never be enough in my mind.
OP, I can't even tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you both.
But, from the sounds of it, you're doing the right thing. Your dog is in pain, he's tired, it's his time-- you making this decision is the best, most selfless thing you could have ever done for him, so please don't berate yourself over it. You're not betraying him, this is what's best. Betraying him would be keeping him in this world in such pain just because you didn't want to make that choice, or just because you wanted to spend more time with him. But you're not doing that.
You choosing this means you really care for him, and I'll bet he knows that more than you think he does.
Spend the time you have left with him happily, and be there with him when he goes. He knows you love him, he knows it's his time.
This isn't your fault. You're helping him in the best way possible-- by ending his suffering, and by being with him through it, no matter how painful it is to watch.
You're a wonderful person for doing this for him, and you're really showing him that you love him, so don't ever blame yourself.
like >>2 says. Also, don't consider your feelings a weakness. To love someone implies that you will feel pain when they die. And this is when you are lucky. If you are unlucky you will be unable to feel anything and that will be even worse. If you never want to suffer from the disappearence of loved ones, then you must isolate yourself completely, which is the worst solution.
>I've lost plenty of extended family during his time with me, but I've never felt this grief before. The last time I shed tears was as a child, but now they've come back to me, albeit silently.
That's not unusual. I've cried for the death of my pets, but never for family deaths. And I don't think that's because I did not love them. And proof of it is that once I dreamed that someone in my family had died. When I woke up I cried and called her to check that she was all right. But when she died for good, I did not shed a tear. Sometimes the pain is too big even to let yourself feel it at all.
As terrible as it is, however, one thing must be admitted. The dog, as all dogs, wants to live. He wants to please, and by ending his pain when he has not the vocabulary to ask, you more so end your own.
I don't know what is right in this situation, but I am sorry you had to make this decision.
I wonder what his name was, and hope he was happy.
>by ending his pain when he has not the vocabulary to ask, you more so end your own.
For sure you lessen your own pain, but this by no means that it's more about your own pain than the dog's. Let's say I see a stray dog I don't know agonizing on the street. Although I have no particular feelings for that animal, I will end his suffering more to lessen his pain than to diminish my own discomfort.
Well we did it. I can't say it lessened my own pain whatsoever. I would much rather have him here with me right now, even if he was suffering. I couldn't do that to him though, he deserved so much better. There is no right or wrong decision in this instance, honestly... I am just glad I could be there with him when he went.
>>6 you think he's in doggy heaven? Or just worm food? I think animals deserve an afterlife, humans need oblivion because they would fuck up heaven too.
If only there was. In times like these being an atheist kind of sucks. I wish he were living on but I don't think so. He'll be in my memories until the day I die, though...
>In times like these being an atheist kind of sucks.
On the contrary, it's in times like these that it's comforting to be an atheist. Think about it: your dog is not suffering anymore. No more pain, no regrets. He won't spend undending ages somewhere waiting for you to pick him up. For him the story has come to a close, and it was (it seems), a nice story. Otherwise what would you have? The dog (and all your other pets) waiting for you to die, and then spending an eternity together? Would you spend untold eons thinking about what you did or did not do with each of your dogs/friends/family? A never ending story is a bad/boring story.
The good thing about being an atheist is that however good or bad was the story of our lives, we will stop suffering, regretting, loving, waiting, hoping. There will be a closure to our story that makes it so precious and unique. This is why the moments you shared with him are invaluable, and be thankful for them.
>I just wish I had known. Every moment I had with him was a treasure
No truer words my man. I'm sorry about your dog. I'm sure that his life was filled with fun and happiness.
I had to put 2 dogs down in my life one i had to shoot on my grandfathers farm/ranch which was traumatizing for a 12 year old to do, blowing a dogs brains out and such. the other was the best dog i ever knew and probably ever will. I had him since i was a baby, i remember when i was 5 hopping on his back and riding him like a horse. Every morning at 6 he would hop on my bed and just stand on the foot of my bed panting like crazy to wake me up. He always had bad arthritis but this last year it got far to bad, he could barely walk up the two steps separating our kitchen from our living room and the final straw for me came when he tried to wake me up one morning like he usually does and ended up almost breaking a leg trying to jump up. I'll never forget the day i took him to the vet to have him put down, he was so happy and hyper (he loved car rides). on the way there i fed him a nice thick steak that i had cooked that morning for him as kind of a last meal. When we got there it killed me to see him so happy before his death. They took us into a back room and there they gave him two shots, one to numb him and the other to put him down. 5 minutes later he died on my lap while i was petting him. The next morning i was late for work because he wasn't there to wake me up, i had to skip it anyways because i couldn't stop crying. It sucks losing an animal and as you can tell from my story i feel your pain. Also a lot of people will tell you to just get a new pet, i wouldn't do that if someone paid me! There are a thousand mindless dogs out there, but the thing is my dog was also my alarmclock and my best friend i could never replace him. If you feel your dog is in pain, then it would be selfish of you to keep him around. If you are going to put him down the most you can do is just give him a nice final day and be there for his last moments.
I had to put 2 dogs down in my life one i had to shoot on my grandfathers farm/ranch which was traumatizing for a 12 year old to do, blowing a dogs brains out and such. the other was the best dog i ever knew and probably ever will. I had him since i was a baby, i remember when i was 5 hopping on his back and riding him like a horse. Every morning at 6 he would hop on my bed and just stand on the foot of my bed panting like crazy to wake me up. He always had bad arthritis but this last year it got far to bad, he could barely walk up the two steps separating our kitchen from our living room and the final straw for me came when he tried to wake me up one morning like he usually does and ended up almost breaking a leg trying to jump up. I'll never forget the day i took him to the vet to have him put down, he was so happy and hyper (he loved car rides). on the way there i fed him a nice thick steak that i had cooked that morning for him as kind of a last meal. When we got there it killed me to see him so happy before his death. They took us into a back room and there they gave him two shots, one to numb him and the other to put him down. 5 minutes later he died on my lap while i was petting him. The next morning i was late for work because he wasn't there to wake me up, i had to skip it anyways because i couldn't stop crying. It sucks losing an animal and as you can tell from my story i feel your pain. Also a lot of people will tell you to just get a new pet, i wouldn't do that if someone paid me! There are a thousand mindless dogs out there, but the thing is my dog was also my alarmclock and my best friend i could never replace him. If you feel your dog is in pain, then it would be selfish of you to keep him around. If you are going to put him down the most you can do is just give him a nice final day and be there for his last moments.