Unhealthy obsession (15)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-25 21:07 ID:4CTeuboh

About a year and a half ago a guy asked me out and I said no, as I barely knew him and didn't really think I liked him. At the same time, I didn't want to tell him I would "think about it" or any other open-ended answer as I thought this would be unfair to him. I'm not sure why, maybe partly out of some sort of sense of duty towards him for letting him down, I set him up with a girl I know. This girl was one of my friends, but not a very close friend, although I spend a lot of time with her.
Now a year later they are still dating. I don't know why, but I have developed this obsession with them and their relationship, to the point where I lie in bed awake until 4am some nights thinking about how much better I would be for him than her and similar thoughts. This sounds a lot like jealousy, but since I rejected him in the first place I don't understand why this is affecting me so much. I have become quite reclusive over the past year and I think I'm just angry that I can't have what they have, as they are obviously happy together, but even acknowledging this doesn't help in the slightest. I always think demeaning things to justify how I'm better off than them, like "he settled for her", "I'm more attractive than her anyway", and "she's a horrible person, he will soon realise this". I know I shouldn't even care but I do.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for or what kind of advice could even be offered beyond "let it go", but I needed to get it out somewhere.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-25 21:56 ID:MfQ+/il2

yup, this is the right place to vent unhealthy feelings which probably wouldn't do much good if shared with indiscrete friends. Kudos for spitting it out as frankly and unadorned as you can.

Your obsession is just the symptom, not the cause of your situation. You could not have been with this guy, since you were not interested in him. The fact that he is happy now is inconsequential, like you say. The only thing your obsession is useful is as diagnostics: it tells you are unwell.

The way you solve this is how you would solve it if it happened to a friend of yours: go get a boyfriend. You'll forget about them when you are busy with your own relationship ^_^ Actually, perhaps they can return you the favor, and present you with to nice guy?

3 Name: Ryuuchi : 2009-05-26 01:08 ID:p86b38IJ

Will you be my girlfriend online? Just kidding.

But seriously, like >>2 said. I think you should get your own boyfriend. Find a better guy than him.

You were not interested the moment he asked you out but then you hook him up with a friend of yours and now you are interested, jealous, and suddenly probably feel like you want to be with him instead of her. Still, it's better to have a relationship with a different guy. You might forget about the guy who asked you out. You can have what they have, just ask another guy out that you like.

4 Name: 43 : 2009-05-26 09:04 ID:b3typkpb

I have 20 bucks that say that if they were to break up and he expressed interest in you then you'd lose interest in him.

Just saying.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-26 14:03 ID:/RI3mamZ

I agree with >>4. Classic case of wanting what you can't have.

6 Name: Ryuuchi : 2009-05-27 01:09 ID:p86b38IJ

You can get what you want that they have. It just takes time.

7 Name: OP : 2009-05-28 17:02 ID:jUcA/Kz7

This is really good advice but I don't know if I would be able to apply it to myself. I'm pretty sure the only thing besides them breaking up that would help me in moving on would be to get a boyfriend, but that's so much easier said than done. I don't really have any female friends, let alone male friends. I'm not really friends with either of the couple I'm talking about anymore, and I'm pretty sure they both dislike me although nothing has really been said or changed. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to get a boyfriend out of thin air. I look nice and dress well, I just don't really know where to meet people.

This is true. Even now I'm not interested in him, as such. I don't want HIM to like me, I just want someone to like me.

8 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-28 17:43 ID:ObIkZcOQ

>>7 Then you need to resocialize. What are your interests? Think about how to turn them into group activities. If you meet more people, have friends that present you to other people, you'll have more chances of finding a partner.

Also, consider this: if you have no friends, but find a boyfriend, you will depend on him far too much for your social needs. It's a bore to go with someone who doesn't have a life besides you. So invest in making friendships, they will be useful even after you have found a boyfriend.

Finally, you seem to be going through a depression. You should address the causes of it, that will make your attempts at socialization much easier and pleasant.

9 Name: 43 : 2009-05-29 09:15 ID:b3typkpb


I like you :)

10 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-30 17:02 ID:ztsOWOnP

just let the obsession go:3
good luck!

11 Name: OP : 2009-05-31 22:30 ID:qJiJ1a5O

I don't really have any interests I could turn into social activities. My interests are reading, internet, and computers. I can't really see how I could meet people through these. I know book clubs and similar stuff exist, but I doubt many teenagers go to them, or even people within a ten year age radius. I don't really leave the house that much. It's not like I'm afraid of going out or of talking to people (although I'm out of practise) but I just don't really have any reason to go out... It's hard to start from scratch and to meet people when you have no existing social circle. I just feel like I'm going crazy.

Thanks anon :)

12 Name: Anonymous : 2009-05-31 23:01 ID:q7Niz29/

>My interests are reading, internet, and computers.

Reading: what kind of stuff do you read? Start by going to libraries. There you can borrow books, but they also have billboards advertising local activities (group outings, courses, etc). Some might inspire you. You can also talk with the librarians about events going on that might interest you based on your reading tastes. This goes for books, but also for music and other media.
Internet: What kind of sites/forums/etc do you spend your time in? The internet is a great tool to meet people. Check out social networking sites, your favorite forums and sites and find out who's close to you. Organize meet-ups where you can talk face to face and have fun. If you can interact over the internet, you can also branch that interaction IRL.
Computers: depends on your interests. If you are into linux (you should, if you like computers), then search for the LUG (Linux User Group) closest to you. You'll meet people sharing your interests, learn a bunch, and organize stuff to do together. But the same goes if you are into gaming. You can meet local gamers and organize gaming parties, etc (use local forums and social networking websites to find people close to you).

13 Name: Anonymous : 2009-06-19 14:29 ID:0Uq/ti7G

Sorry this is such a late reply.

I go to the library a lot already. I'll check out the billboards more closely in future, but I've never really seen anything there I would attend. As for the internet, I really only visit anonymous forums and have for years. I don't game but maybe I'll start, to meet people. Thanks for the advice.

14 Name: Anonymous : 2009-06-19 23:53 ID:2kmUxdNC

>>13 like you, I like anonymous forums, but they suck if you want to meet people.

In any case, do let us know how you are progressing (or not), here you'll always have an (anonymous) crowd cheering for you ^_^

15 Name: Mu : 2009-06-21 23:15 ID:RJvYhwmM

Just so you know, you're not alone!

I broke up with my boyfriend, and know he has a new love, and I feel like hell. Not because of him in particular, but you know how it goes. Same symphtoms.

I haven't lost all my friends yet, but it's a process.

So, I'm really cheering for you! I hope you have good luck on finding friends getting over your bad times! =)

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