I can't help but thinking that these past few years after my father died....I felt relieved. My father was really old, he died at age of 76 I believe. So yea, he was real old but I did like my father. I loved him but honestly he never really done any father stuff with me. I only remember some stuff we've done together like we would watch some good action films. My father loves action films. He always watches TV. He is a good guy and respects other people but if someone messes with him, me, or my mom, my sister, he would be pissed about so much. Although he's my father, I didn't feel that we were close enough.
When my dad had cancer along with stroke, he would be in the hospital. My mom told me to go with her to visit Dad on the day of Father's day. Well, I didn't go. The sickness my dad had was serious and I never had in my mind. I felt bad but then I would just brush the emotion off and continue whatever I'm doing in my life. It was also around the time that I have so much stress in my life taking care of dad and trying to keep my grades up. However, my grades were declining slowly due to stress of taking care of my dad. At that moment, I didn't like my father and I didn't like what I was doing to him and to myself. I was so stressed that I hated him so much.
I can't remember but my father passes away after few days or few weeks after Father's Day. I felt really bad and I realize that I should have gone to visit him on Father's Day. So every year, Father's Day would haunt me by remembering that I didn't visit my dad at the hospital. The next time I saw him was that when my mother called at home and told me that he passed away. Here's the part: I felt....sad, angry, and relieved. I didn't know how to feel about my father's death.
When the funeral took place, the event was bullshit to me. My father's family side, I felt they don't give a shit. My father's side of his family are his 1st family. To us, we are his second family. Therefore, his side of the family are my half brothers, half sisters. I was never fond of them at all and I didn't like them. I didn't even consider them as my part of the family but I respect them. No one but me had to make a speech about my dad at the funeral and I felt that I didn't put my hear to create a meaningful speech about my father. After the funeral, my mother told me that I should have made the speech with more words. I guess she was telling me that I should have had made a meaningful speech.
I missed my dad and yet I don't at the same time. I didn't like him and yet I like him. I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't feel any emotion but to be relieved. Although I remember the times I had with my dad. They were good and bad memories of him. I regret myself for the rest of my life for not visiting on Father's Day.
The questions: Am I an asshole for feeling like this toward my dad? Did I do not like my dad in the first place and that I just put up with all the shit I've been through with him and the rest of my family? I don't know. I need someone to tell me what's wrong, please.
I don't think anyone blames you for it. I bet your father doesn't blame you either. He's probably proud of you but never said it.
Your wounds will heal with time and then you'll move on.
hi op.. i have similar thing/feeling.
like my grandfather passed away.. he was in the hospital and i went to see him, and he got home and then he was taken to the hospital again in some while, yet i didnt go there second time, cuz i heard he's doing better and i thought its better to go to see him when he's back home.
apparently he never got home again and it scratched my soul and all thing so much that it took me SO SUPER LONG to get over him.. well of course im not over him, im just accepting he's gone and i feel sorry i didnt go to see him.. but i guess there's nothing u or i could do, to just learn from this experience and next time just go to the hospital whenever someone we care about sits there..
hugs
I always felt that it was my mistake to not go to Father's Day just to visit and see him. I felt it was my fault. He did took care of me when my mom is not around. We would eat together alone from the food he cooks.
I guess I'm not over it yet the fact that I still feel sorry for him. I always think that I might end up like him in the future. Not much of a social type, watching other people doing their things, not really standing out in the crowd. He was pretty much an invisible guy to most people but for me, I notice him all the time because he's my dad.
Hey OP,
I feel much the same about my father, he's very similar to yours and our backstories are pretty much identical.
He's became rather bitter since he became almost blind a few years ago and has now lung cancer since he heavily smoked since he was 14 or so.
He'll be 73 now, I don't think he'll recover.
Your post made me feel pretty bad about my behaviour towards him, although I visited him every second or third day when he was 30 km away in the hospital.
I guess your feelings will stay a while. Just be honest with them, and maybe talk with your mother about it.