They say I have schizophrenia and asperger's and I (think) just don't feel right like this. I have long stopped taking my meds (anti-psychotic, anti-depressant and anxiety) because I don't like what they are doing (correcting?) to me.
I seem to go though some strange emotions (crying/getting upset when people simply say hello to me), strange actions (making random noises/jerks/movements, "become nothingness"/enter near catatonic states, touch/pick at many different things, unable to sit still), strange thoughts (being easily confused/unable to interpret simple statements, very random and untriggered thoughts of doing something violent), and strange ideas (always thinking of hearing/seeing things and checking all around me for possible no reason).
I kind of don't want help and want to become fucked-up and also want to get on disability; I don't want to enter society.
I have tried suicide about an year ago as a mean of entering a 2d realm and being with the ones I love. They don't know about it and say I'm very non-violent and don't care if I really am or not.
You explained what you don't want, but you don't explain what do you want.
What would you wish for your self, what would you like to do in the future, what are your motivations, tastes?
It's often more motivating to do things with a goal in mind, in order to obtain something, rather than just to avoid or prevent something.
>>3 well, take your time to think about it. It's a complete change of state of mind, so it may take some time.
A good lead is to think about which activities please or amuse you. What do you do gladly, what entertains you, which kind of group activities where good memories for you, who are the people that please you or that you admire, etc...
>>4
I've thought about ti for years, but never came to any sort of answer.
>>I've thought about ti for years, but never came to any sort of answer.
You're not the only one in that situation. Just keep trying.
That's your real issue. Your schizosperger thingy is just a distraction ^_^
>>6
I never wanted anything though.
I don't know if I even want to be here or anything.
>>7 find yourself a rease to want to be. You came here to ask a question, and that's the answer to your problem: find yourself something to want.
You need to talk about this with your doctor or therapist or someone close to you that you absolutely trust.
If that's no good for you, please find the number for a crisis hotline, those that can help the other people that go through what you are going through now. Like here, you wont even have to give them your name.
>>10
I don't really trust anyone and I don't think I'm looking for answers.
I just don't know.
>I don't think I'm looking for answers.
Well, you did post here, so you'll have to accept that you are looking for answers, even if uncounsciously.
>I know that will never happen.
Suddenly you sound very confident. So what do you spend your time doing, over the day?
>>12
I just sit in front of the computer all day, hoping to find a way to pass the time. I don't really play, watch or read anything anymore. I've been a NEET for a while now and don't plan on returning to society.
Just do what you want. Stop worring about things that other people want. If you don't want anything, don't do anything. Look at things at a day-by-day basis. Relying on people won't get you anywhere. Which I mean in a way of telling you what to do. If you don't want to return to society, then don't. (Aren't you already in a society if you're posting on the internets?(hurrdurr)). Don't worry about your meds, what others think and trust and whatever shit. This is your life. It is time to be the most selfish person you know. Everybody is selfish when it comes to themselves and this is completely normal.
Just do what you do and be what you want to be, or be what you are if you don't want to be anything. Stop caring about shit like that and live your life.
>>14
I would like to do that, but there's a few things. I'm being forced to go back into society by mother, and while I can keep like this, I'm not sure how long it would last. I really can't move out, since I really couldn't get a job and don't have disability yet. Also, I don't really to enjoy anything, so even if I can just do nothing, I won't get much pleasure from it (but more than if I were to go out).
>>13 ok, aside from participating in this forum, what do you do in front of your computer? I assume your computer is on and that there is something on the screen, right? Describe it.
We're already on the 16th post and you still did not spill the beans, you really have the ways of a princess. What do you spend your time on when you are in front of the computer? I'd like particulars, not generalities, please.
>>16
I literally just try to find ways to pass the time. I try to be apart of imageboards and forums, but just become quickly disgusted at the community and bored with the subject matter. I try to play games, but I can never stick to them due to indecisiveness and can't stay focus on it for long.
Also, I just really gather the interest to do anything in general.
>>17 Well, spending so many hours in front of a computer is already the sign of some dedication.
Have you tried to read books? You know, the really interesting ones?
>>18
I can never stay interested in them, let alone make myself read one.
>>19
Well, I think you're just being impossible. You probably won't do it by using the excuse that you've tried, but why don't you write your thoughts? On how boring your life is, for instance. Then, after getting bored of writing how boring life is, try something new. Go outside, force yourself into society; if you hate it, write about that; if you found something that perked your interest, write about that too. Make yourself a journal, and just jot down anything new that happens or anything you are thinking of at the moment. Doesn't need to be well written, neat, or anything; just quick scribbles of any length detailing what happened.