OP here again, it took me a while before i read the whole

Do not use this board to discuss your suicide-related problems. You should seek professional help. There are many services worldwide that allow you to talk to professional councellors anonymously, this is not one of them. Check your local phonebook for such services.

yeah, thx for the good ideas everyone, but i dont want you guys to get in trouble and get banned from here. good ideas, simple solutions. The problem is execution (as in actually doing it, not you know...)

thx for all your comments, it helped me think about some stuff