I wish I really could hurt them. Badly, even. I have no more consideration for another fellow human anymore and I found this sometimes to be troubling as of why do I feel the need to splash so much hatred against people for the slightest pain they inflict on me. I found them to be terribly stupid. Not as in stupid as of ''duhhhh'' but more as in they don`t know how to behave in society and therefore, need to be wiped off the earth so there will be less pain in this one.

To make it really short, I have been since my childhood exposed to abuse both emotionally by my arguing parents and by the kids at school making fun of me because I am fat and physically by bullying of those ''better than me''. I always took it without replying. I never really managed to have true friends. I had behavior problems as a kid with aggressiveness which, i hope, managed to put aside by adulthood and I did manage but it always stayed behind me as my shadow. It used to scare my first love when she used to make me angry for whatever serious reason. I lost her when I was 18. By then, I got into depression and suicidal ambitions. I grown to be a fatalist hoping when I would cross the street, I would die struck by a car. I never did. I did try to seek help in a mental hospital. They only gave me an appointment 2 months later when my suicidal tendencies reached a peak during the christmas period of that year which was also when my mom kicked me out of the house and I was forced to live with my ex i never managed to make peace with. I had daggers I was given as a gift both from my ex and relatives (cause i had a katana/dagger period) which I used to scratch myself with. I substituted it for booze. A pain for another I guess cause my dad has that problem. By that time, I started to read a lot and study multiple things cherishing my new hobby which was pursuing knowledge and let people drown in their idiocy. What else could I do? I was alone, friendless, practically homeless, still in love with someone who hated my guts and was always tempted to jump off a bridge...

I always wondered if the ever increasing urge to hurt and assault people is the climax of all i've been through after all this time. Probably, yes it is. I always been abused by people. It's only fair i give payback right? I do not wish to go in a school and shoot people. I maybe don't even wish to punch them in the fucking face. I only want to destroy them and their lives. I always thought that the greatest and most powerful form of violence is mental and emotional violence/abuse. Those kind of scars barely goes away with time. I know that for a fact. Why should I even care about them? They would not for me.
Maybe except for two of them...

At work, I know two persons (that got to be a couple over time). In their own separate ways, they both introduced themselves forcefully in my life and I began to treat them as ''friends'' because they were the first in god-knows-how-long to show they did care about what I felt. This led me to ''calm down''. They even organised something for my birthday!. Of course, I bluntly asked ''you're kidding right?'' They were not. I did have a tremendous party and now, the guy wants me to move in with him in an appartement downtown.

All seems fine and dandy in this but I still, after that, cannot quiet down my urges to mentally hurt people. I have fun scaring hobos begging me for change. I give crude remarks to people I don't like. I like to shock people by saying ''outrageous statements'' to them... I have fun doing this even though I should not. I cannot stop until I have full satisfaction. I treat my two friends very well. I only enjoy treating the rest like how a dog would treat the rug before pissing on it.

Please tell me I am not alone in this infenral spiral and how can I get out of it.