Personal issues! Am I smart or am I dumb? I don't have friends. It is said you need common grounds to have friends. Am I unique? I am social. People say good things about me and they enjoy my company. But I do not enjoy their company at all - nothing that concerns them would concern me! I don't remember when that started happening. I have learned to live this way.
I live with my parents, I study daily. Because my interests are few, I have lots of time to study. I like to avoid anything others would do that is considered normal, I don't know why. I don't watch television, nor do I use the internet to socialize (4chan and 4-ch are the two websites I browse except when I am looking for information on a particular subject, in which case I use google, wikipedia, youtube, personal websites etc).
I used to spend a lot of time on the computer until I learned a lot of things about computers and programming. Then I realized that it's easy to teach yourself things as long as you are excited by what you learn, and I decided to learn more about what excites me. I'm doing good progress on the things I study, or at least I think I do.
Oh dear, I don't know what to say about myself. Please ask me any question! What is my personal problem? It is this:
Why am I unique? Is it because I am mentally ill? Is it because I think I am unique, when I am not? Am I smart or am I dumb? Why has loneliness turned out to be my best company?
I think a lot about myself. I want you to ask me questions about myself, I will answer all of them. It's always ME ME ME... I realize this topic might turn out boring. But we can try.
I appreciate intelligence over being smart. Wisdom is something you posess by learning, but one can not gain intelligence. Furthermore I'd say that everyone is unique and why wouldn't they be? Human beings are like pieces of shit - no matter how many of them you counter, every single one of them is different from each other. And what is this talk about something being 'normal'? The whole concept is flawed, there's only common and not-so-common behavior and/or things. It really doesn't matter if one likes to eat soap if he doesn't make others do so. Sure it might seem strange to those who don't eat soap, but so what?
Who wouldn't think about themselves? After all we all live for ourselves, and so the most important creature there is, is always me. Unless you're retarded [which I slightly doubt as you have manifested the ability and will to discuss about these things - somewhat erratically, but still understandably] sympathy and social understanding actually mean something to you. Common people know what isn't socially acceptable ie. masturbating at a bus or raping bunnies when children are passing by, so unless you see no flaw in these activities, you are not an egomaniac and thus, propably, have no need to worry about you thinking about yourself.
I expect you weren't high when you wrote your thoughts, so my only question is: Why so serious?
Everyone is unique but that doesn't mean they act uniquely. All cats are unique, but I have the image of one cat in my mind. That is what I want, make a difference. Live your life as if it were a painting, or another piece of art, someone said! I don't believe in normal and paranormal behavior either, it is mere tradition, but one has to start from somewhere when writing the post.
People think of their lives don't they? They think "I am at this stage of my life, this is my currency, I have this expensive watch and friends, this is how I look, this defines me".
I am able to convey my feelings and act however I want to. When it is night and I am unable to sleep, I might cry, because what I have in my mind is dramatic and sad. But does it make me sad? I am as happy as I'd be any other time. I'd make a good actor. I tend to avoid crying when trying to sleep because it blocks my breathing from the nose and thus making sleep a much harder task.
The most important creature is yourself! But if you don't care, then it is nobody! I appreciate that you did not directly call me a retard. The truth is that I am very good at guessing the "atmosphere" in a discussion, the mood of somebody, how to talk... Different people view me as a different person.
I'm not high. Why so serious? I'd like, for change, tell exactly what's in my mind. It's hard, mind you, for when I write my post and read it I don't agree with what is written! Then I have to write it all over, and at some point I decide that writing the post is not worth it. Ask me if I'm religious or what do I think about sex! I study lots of things, ask me about that! Do you ever get suspicious of your own thoughts? I don't have a favorite color, nor a favorite anything anywhere. I read books but I can't share what I've read with someone else who's also read the book because the story is different in my mind than in the book. Oooh! Enough randomness.
Oh dear, this is what happens when one doesn't use their native language.. I didn't mean to suspect you to be slightly retarded, what I tried to write was, I slightly suspect that you are NOT retarded. Anyways, the point behind that was to leave a small chance for asperger's or such.
You were pondering whether I question my thoughts. Of course I do, throughout my miserable life I've wanted to grow as a person, to better understand myself as well as others. Though I don't feel the need to question all of my motives constantly, I do try to re-evaluate them when the need arises. For example I enjoy black humor and spreading it around and even though I do acknowledge that some people are too timid to appreciate it - and that's part of the entertainment value to me. It doesn't happen often, but when I get someone to smile on their own lack of humor, it's priceless.
Oh, umm.. You mentioned you'd like to speak your mind up, so why don't you do so? Lots of people do it, myself included. But in order to get oneself understood it doesn't do much good to be ranting randomly about things, like I usually do. First think about what you want to say and then find the words to support that idea.
Another question popped to my mind: Why do you feel the need to express your opinions now, here? What are you after with all this?
List what you have enjoyed studying in the past.
I might as well have not done so (expressing my opinion), the decision was random. I had time, it was an idea. My mind... I will speak it. It's so hard, that I write things and then delete them, because I don't find them representative of my thoughts. I really like dreaming and recalling childhood memories. I don't like to block thoughts. If something comes up, I'll think of it. I think my memory is damaged. Memories are not organized in a "sorted" fashion inside my head: I don't remember which happened first. I don't remember my days either. A 24-hour goldfish!
What I've studied:
From strongest to weakest. I just started studying linguistics (why did I wait to be 18 years old to do this?) Do you think my english is tolerable? I have but the faintest idea for its structure, grammar, but I speak it years now! Ask me what simple past is, or what verbs are, no idea. I have to fix this, but first I'll have to learn my native language. It'd be entirely unorthodox to learn your second language before your native.
It is interesting to meet someone in a similar boat as I, an 18 year old who can't get enough information. As an introduction, here are my studies in order of practice:
Philosophy-History
Formal Logic and Debate
Creative Writing
Psychology and the Mind
Linguistics
Sketching
Math
Programming
Off and on I study Japanese and I need to study my programming, but I'm really quite distracted these days. My memory is cause and effect-structured, but most memories (including important ones) fade after a short time. I do not envy the non-temporal mind you have, OP, but it seems more focused than mine own. I use writing as a tool to sift through my complex and layered dreams and daydreams, dissecting them and combining them with new concepts to improve my skill. Of course, you only get better by review so I have a few friends as editors and I go over and rewrite constantly. Not close friends, I've never had one, but good people nonetheless.
Which brings me to a point. What do you dream about, OP? Are you optimistic for your future? What are you aiming for?
>>7
I also like sketching, psychology and history. I might read some wiki articles and I have 30-so outlines of human bodies from posemaniacs.com in a sketchbook that I can not find. I'm hoping to become more organized in the future (not in a "I'll do it the next day" fashion - I'm waiting for the moment I'll get to live alone) and read more about everything that I am interested in. For now, I concentrate increasingly on my school studies (since the day I'll be giving exams that will decide my next years more or less is getting closer).
You said my mind is focused! Ha! I remember some major dreams of mine, even childhood dreams. I had never though about keeping a dream-journal, I might try this. I usually just think of my dreams the moment I wake up, or through the day, and then I forget about them.
What do I dream about? I have often dreamed about playing video games. It's not clear whether I am the game or I am the observer to the game. I also dream of huge tidal waves sometimes, the setting is the beach for that (sometimes, the sand becomes so steep that I can't even climb it to escape the wave, etc). Except these, I've dreamt of all sorts of things. A childhood dream: something about a black cartoon cat (which was an advertisement mascot), running through a hospital with a table full of needles.
As for my future, I don't care. I hope that I'll have enough time for myself and I aim for nothing. If I admitted to myself that I aim for something, that'd mean I care for something, and my #1 philosophy, perhaps the only philosophy of mine, is that nothing matters, internal or external, before, due, or after life. Thinking like that beats any moral God or punishment: if a God exists, then I want him to torture me for the rest of time with the worst torture possible! For me, it doesn't matter :-).
Nonetheless, I don't like working. I would rather make money off my skill, and that is why I hope to get in some institute, plus I'll get much time for myself and my studies, contrary to what most people refer to as "college life", I have a different life in mind, and I truly don't care for alcohol or drugs or sex, I'm done with all that, even though my sex life is sort. There's no such distractions.
Can you control your daydreaming and when does it occur most often? What do you daydream about >>7?
I'm currently living alone and out in the working world, and it's not all that it's idealized as. This is a gap year before college or university, which I am apathetic about. It seems, at present, that I will go to a school for something medical just to get a better job in this interim period of my life. I didn't have the concentration for high school (graduated) so this will be a useful time to get in gear.
Daydreams pop up for me in the middle of anything when I'm bored if I don't make time for them during the day. So I take time every day just about every time I have a pause to examine my life, my (lack of) relationships, philosophy, and just plain dream of impossible things, impossible creatures. I can control my daydreaming, and I use this power to explore worlds of my fiction, or just to loosen up with trippy visuals.
Do you ever have lucid dreams, where you are in control, practically a god because you realize you are dreaming? I do, rarely. My dreams are different than my daydreams. Do you ever have nightmares/night terrors? Even when I have a horrible dream, during the dream I feel no emotions. Even watching people form colonies in an apocalypse, or the creation of monsters in a lab-like jungle, there is no fear. I watch a planet become covered in floating machines, and there is nothing but interest.
By choice and for fun I have a raison d'etre, a reason for being. This is a long-term goal that puts everything in perspective. I agree on God and gods. If there is an all-powerful being, the chance it cares about human morality is nil. If I am cursed for not believing in such a thing, then it is unjust and I would never serve it anyways. ;)
Yeah, I went through the "let's learn everything we can" phase during ages 14-18. Now I'm bored by the ease of it and have gravitated towards more creative endeavors such as writing, drawing, and music.
I can suggest reading Fyodor Dostoyevsky for some philosophy.