I'm not sure what to do anymore... (23)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2010-06-26 06:28 ID:qBH/LwuZ

Some time ago I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, eventually manic depression and therefore a possible bipolar disorder. I have many delirious episodes in which I believe the wildest of things about myself or the world, and anything anyone tells me can be fuel to create gigantic stories involving myself, in which I firmly believe, and in them I am, most of the time, some sort of catalyst or guilty party or victim (like being an ex-special soldier that lost her memory or... Stupid cliché shit like that). It seems I am also obsessively analysing everyone and everything at all times... And I used to think this was normal.

There is no certainty in what disease I really have since I do have hallucinations and all that but I am capable of criticizing these things and eventually "relax" about them (ruling out schizophrenia)... Although they don't leave my thoughts, they slow down and I have control over myself again. My mind never really relaxes though, and I am more than tired lately. Tired enough to desire being dead.

I used to take anti-psychotics and they helped with relaxing these delusions but, they also made me very very depressed because they made me lose my ability to draw or find pleasure in things, I couldn't talk or even enjoy something funny.

I also constantly feel like I am being chased by someone I hurt in my past or something weird like that... I feel like that person is trying to take revenge on me by slowly doing to me the same thing I unknowingly did to him. This is the main storyline of my... Delusions and I sometimes think that this person is the one causing my illness.

Bottom line... I have a very tired mind and I am considering suicide. I haven't gone to school in two years, I show no sign of improvement and I don't want to take medication that kills my brain. Alprazolam and other benzodiazepines help since they make me slow down but... I can't possibly take them everyday, it's unhealthy to take them everyday, forever (my psychiatrist doesn't want me to take them regularly since they cause addiction and you build resistance and that could lead to trouble), so right now I take only anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and in really bad situations: alprazolam.

My parents don't help at all, they're constantly doing what they consider "motivating me" to do normal things, leave the house and so, but truth is, the more stimuli there is... The worse it is for me. So leaving the house is terrifying. Even talking to them is enough to make me want to yell.

I have a boyfriend and he used to help with these things, but he did some mistakes (he has social phobia and mild-depression and stopped taking his medication because he believed he was "cured"... Oh well...) and now is going through a rough time and really doesn't have the strength to make me feel better.

Luckily enough for me... I am going to move out to a smaller city this year and this should help with being able to leave the house... But I am still tired and I guess I could say I always was tired and feel like I will always be right now...

I need to find a way to stop my mind from doing this to me. I need some advice please.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2010-06-27 05:38 ID:pt7tYZmW

I think, right now, you are focusing too much on your mind and your problems. Do you have things that you do that are beneficial? Productive?

Hobbies, jobs?

If you give yourself a task to accomplish that is pleasant, that gives you something to talk about, that gives you experience, and makes you glad to have accomplished it, then maybe you can develop a healthy thing to expend your energy on. Your thoughts and behaviors are causing these problems, ultimately (there are other aspects, of course, but your thinking and behavior are major factors). So to change your situation you need to change the way you are thinking and the way you choose to act.

You'll have to come up with it, depending entirely on your resources, wishes, etc, but I think you are probably well off trying to find something small at first (say... building bird houses, making maps in a video game, cooking, hiking, drawing etc) and then try to find something that requires more energy and attention later on, once you've gotten more experience and gained a better sense of what helps make you happy. Some ideas for bigger things: skiing, carpentry, camping, painting, sculpting, urban exploration, etc.

Also, how is your level of organization? I have heard (and it's been my experience) that being disorganized can negatively affect mental health, especially bipolar and schizophrenia.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2010-06-27 17:38 ID:QCZu0CXz

Yes... I decided to take a break from talking, overall.

I'll just try as hard as possible to dedicate my mind to drawing and painting, it's relaxing, no doubt, the problem is finding the peace to do so since it's hard finding a free time in my head, and after that, finding the peace in my house.

But I'll do it. It helps when I do it, and so I'll try focusing as much as possible into it.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2010-07-29 21:41 ID:fzDhfVT9

OP here... Things aren't good, I know things aren't good for many people so don't take me wrong, but I have no one I trust in to talk to or someone to talk to that I know I won't hurt a lot with these things I'm saying... And at least in here I can talk... Anonymously.

Even though I barely leave the house and even though i barely talk to anyone (just my mother, father and boyfriend)... I can't get better. My psychiatrist says I really might have paranoid schizophrenia, and I can add to this a diagnostic of erotomania. I keep trying to come up with ways for all of these things to be unreal, as in, I keep coming up with ideas that make these problems i have become something which are not problems but rather, reality, meaning that I create stories that make me see things and think they're really happening...

I suppose, it's paranoid schizophrenia all over. I'm already taking medication of course (risperdal, prozac, depakine and occasionally alprazolam), but I think I'm going to need a higher dose again and I'm going to need to stop my mind for a little while again... By drugging myself to sleep for nearly the whole day. I cry every day, and well, I know many people are in my situation but it's really hard for me since I love being outside and exploring and I need to live, I feel trapped and I'm going even more insane...

I'm hurting everyone around me and they're all growing tired of me... In all seriousness I just want someone to actually hug me without feeling like they're going to stab me or like they don't mean it.


I believe no one likes me, I hallucinate people laughing in my face and many other things, I can't leave the house soon... I'm in despair and I'm for the first time in my life considering suicide... Although I doubt I'll ever do it since my problem isn't depression, it's just despair out of sickness...

second tl;dr

I'm full of bullshit and no one cares, all I want is a hug from someone who loves me and someone to make an effort for me to show some goddamn real deep love... Oh god, I have no idea why I even bother talking or typing anymore... I make myself want to vomit agh.

Please, someone say something nice or... give me ideas of what to do when I can't leave the house, things that would make a failed arts-student happy. I already am learning the guitar and I already draw a lot randomly... But those aren't nearly enough to help.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2010-07-29 22:55 ID:Mdt71Egn

Take it easy~!!!

6 Name: Anonymous : 2010-08-01 04:10 ID:moMcug5u

Yours isn't that ordinary of a case and you don't have to feel bad for speaking about it. This is an extremely difficult time for you..and it's likely to continue for a time until your brain balances its chemicals out..whether you have your say or not. The best you can do for yourself is believe that you can have a good future, and that if you wait this rough period out, you can create something great for yourself that can't be destroyed by the whims of your mind.

99% of people don't get mental illness and take it personally when they should be supporting you, not getting annoyed when you don't act in a way that's easy for them to be around. There's nothing you can do about this, but instead of focusing on them being your support, find people or a place that will listen to you. Coming here's a good start.

If you can't leave the house, a good thing to do for an art person is to go http://www.deviantart.com/ and get an account. If you have a scanner or camera start posting some of your work! You'll find a lot of understanding, kind people there who can listen and share their enthusiasm with art with you.

biopolar/schizophrenia/depression runs heavily in my family, so if you want to rant to someone you can email me (grass.jar@gmail.com), and i'll do my best to help you out if you need it!

Also, have you been experimenting with different meds? (zyprexa, tegretol..?) You just have to find the right combination..there are people like you (like the author of "The Quiet Room") who were able to live more normal lives once they found the right drug combo. Don't give up! Your life is worth more than can be expressed. It's such a waste to give up on it because you seem like an intelligent, introspective person that is really worth knowing! It'll be all right..

7 Name: OP : 2010-08-01 21:54 ID:a9ENd0cg

First of all thanks for your replies and support, it feels really warm to have answers, specially like yours #6.

And yes #6, I've experimented different meds... Zyprexa and abilify are two of them, and currently, besides risperdal, prozac and depakine I am also talking another anti-psychotic to sleep: tercian. And I do have a deviantart and a flickr but I'm horrible with socializing and quite shy to reveal my true feelings... Which is what I need to do. I also pushed away most of my online friends due to paranoia...

I'm deeply disturbed by all this... There's nothing I can do but wait and be strong... And my patience isn't all that great.

And it's also just upsetting... People who say that they love me and then they can't make me feel love... Maybe I'm too demanding. Maybe I'm asking for a lot, I mean, asking someone to love a sick person is cruel... I suppose. And about my boyfriend... We're actually on a long distance relationship which is just... Horrible to my soul.

I have some plans to move out of my mother's house (divorced parents) and to go live with my boyfriend in a quiet town to the north where it's cold and damp. It would be nice. But my father is against it, he doesn't want me to move far away from him, he's afraid something will happen, but I know that there I would be safe and warm, in a new place where no one has seen me acting strange before, that is to say... Where I would have less reason to be paranoid. (I would also be able to have pets to keep me company and I would be studying to do exams of equivalence to high school, so it's not like it would be a waste of money).

There's also my erotomania... Which is, most likely, extrapolation of my desire for real warmth. For someone I consider special to love me and to go to incredible means to show me care, but this person doesn't even exist... I think I imagine someone who is, in my eyes, perfect, and then have fantasies/delusions/hallucinations with said person.

I'm basically a fool that way... But in all seriousness, that person, the target of my erotomania, is technically my boyfriend (so it's not like I'm in a hollow relationship or loving someone else) but let's not dwell in this complicated plot I managed to create.

Point of matter here... I hope I can rant in here, it's fine if people don't answer much, I really just want a place to rant in and to get occasional cheery replies.

I know you people here are welcoming.

Again, thank you for both replies.

8 Name: Anonymous : 2010-08-15 05:47 ID:CVhPZwjY

I think it's important to get your condition firmly under control before you decide to make any drastic changes in your life eg moving.

I do think that being able to do the things you like is important to your treatment, so you should talk to your doctor (and your parents) to see if they have any recommendations for getting out more often.

9 Name: OP : 2010-08-20 19:08 ID:a9ENd0cg

Finally, a new medication took my hallucinations away.

I'm getting better.

<tears of joy>

10 Name: Anonymous : 2010-08-20 21:03 ID:3gkia8kH


11 Name: Anonymous : 2010-08-21 22:48 ID:m7c9PB+0


That's good to hear.

12 Name: OP : 2010-08-22 19:26 ID:a9ENd0cg

However, I'm still always suspicious and paranoid... Ah well... But it's fine, I know I'll get better in due time... At least I'm not desperate anymore, could be worse/it's been worse.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, some new friends, some friends, people I could trust. I'm too lonely and bored.

13 Name: OP : 2010-08-22 19:46 ID:a9ENd0cg


Add me on msn or send me e-mails, let's be friends.

14 Name: Collector040 : 2010-08-23 15:30 ID:nDoGB2u4

I can relate to your situation, for years I was diagnosed with schitzophrenia, bi-polar disorder, etc. I've had doctors drug me to the point where I would just lie around and even just piss and shit myself because I couldn't move.

They even went so far as to give me ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy) otherwise known as electic shock therapy. None of the meds or treatments seemed to help. While it took a while, what I did was take myself off of ALL of the different meds, and let them get out of your system. This will do 2 things.

  1. You will FEEL what it feels like to be alive without all of the drugs distorting your perceptions.
  2. It will help the doctor better treat the symptoms you have when you are on no meds.

Because often what happens is that a doc puts you on a med, then you tell the doc that you are feeling like x since starting that med, so instead of taking you off of that med, doctor adds y to the meds you are taking, then you talk to the doc again, you have these 2 different meds doing different things to your system, and so you tell the doc something else is happening, and he gives you z med.

So you end up on so many medications that it throws your body chemistry way out of wack. Don't just take yourself off the meds, and definitely do not just stop them at once. This is something you need to work through with your doctor. And if your doctor doesn't "Think it's a good idea." Then you know he must be getting a good chunk of change from the big pharmacutical companies to prescribe those meds to you. Remember, the doctor works FOR YOU, YOU (often through insurance) are the one who pays his mortage, and for his golfing "business" trips.

But if the doctor doesn't want to work with you, find a doc who will.

Also, throw out the pre-conceptions of needing to have a name for the illness. Let the doctor treat the symptoms.

And remember if you do want to give a name to your illness, you are not your illness, so a good thing to say to yourself, rather than "I AM Bi-polar" try using "I HAVE an illness called bi-polar disorder"

15 Name: OP : 2010-08-25 09:12 ID:a9ENd0cg

First of all... That's disturbing to hear, some doctors go to some sick extremes with their prescriptions. But yeah, I've sort of been there too. I slept for 15 hours a day or more, at least 12 hours a day. I still sleep like that, only that I'm more energetic. But that's sad to hear, really sad.

And yeah... Feeling alive feels distant to me right now, my perception of reality is completely jammed and I have difficulty with doing nearly everything that requires some physical/mental activity on my part... Which contributes to my feelings of depression since I used to be a very active person, I can barely even draw since I re-started taking the anti-psychotics, there's just 0 inspiration in me right now.

But I'm not sure if that's a good idea right now, I know that you can stop taking meds and be good or kind of good but... When you do have hallucinations and paranoia such as I do right now you can't really stop taking them... You need them to lead a normal life and only them can help you.

Of course, I hope that in time I'll be able to stop taking them, I have stopped taking them before and I was mildly under control... It's just that things got out of hand once again. Though I'm getting better again and hopefully I'll be able to stop taking them meds soon I doubt I'll be perfect without them, I'll probably keep taking a small dosage just to keep things under control.

I'm already taking less of Depakine Chrono (mood regulator). But yeah, now that I can take my mind off of all my paranoia and crap I actually can look at my life and realize what a piece of shit it has become. I need to relearn nearly everything related to communicating and being in public and shit like that.

Oh well... My life's bullshit currently, I do have friends but they don't really understand what I'm going through and tend to be insensitive, it's crappy but I deal with it and try to hang out with them anyway, even though I do always tend to leave their company earlier than planned, but it's fine... They understand as much as "I'm not feeling well, I need to go home." it's fine... It's just fine.

16 Name: Anonymous : 2010-08-29 06:47 ID:O14e0It9

Growing up I used to have issues with delusions. Now I'm pretty drugged up and I have to say that life isn't exactly perfect. I feel tired all the time and can't find any interest in the things I used to enjoy. I spend my days in bed struggling to do something productive. If it helps, I can understand at least a little about how you must feel. I wish I could give a hug to help you.

17 Name: OP : 2011-01-05 23:59 ID:oCO68OeZ

I'm back to find some advice and to listen to people in the same situation as me... I'm suffering from derealization currently. I can stand it but it's so upsetting. Everything I do seems empty. I can't look at people and feel the same connections I used to feel, I can't feel that they like me or even dislike me. I'm feeling quite depressed because of that.

It's such a weird feeling, I have good news, I bought an electric bass and I've been playing it everyday, I've been making music with my boyfriend, which is now living with me. Everything is good! Or should be good. I'm finally being creative again and everything should be looking up but nothing feels real. It's bringing me to a point of desperation, this has to end soon. It has been lasting for a long time. Since November.

I can't enjoy the good things I have now. That's all. I'd like to listen to people who have had this and I'd like to learn how they overcame it.

Happy new year guys. Also, I'm decided to lose weight. This is important because I still hear voices from time to time and it's all because i'm chubby, what I hear is people commenting on my looks, and so I've been gathering strength to diet. It will be hard but I think I'll make it, I need to lose 10kg.

I'm still not going to school, but I'm going to take my driver's license soon, and this summer I'm planning on going on a road trip with my boyfriend. As you can see, everything seems to be looking up but it just doesn't feel real <tears>.


18 Name: Anonymous : 2011-01-06 14:08 ID:qkK9htFe

I know how you feel. It's awful. To be honest this is why I will kill myself soon.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say.

19 Name: Anonymous : 2011-01-06 19:33 ID:/g3E0njd

Don't forget to supplement that diet with some good ol' exercise :D


Anyways, try not to take life too seriously, kid. Disillusionment from life is usually just a temporary thing, until you remember how to enjoy living again. The best thing you can do, is to connect with others. Make some friends, etc. Be a loving person and you will inevitably be loved back.

Wanna hear the nerdiest analogy ever? Life's a lot like pinball; you have more control than you think. Haha, I told you it was nerdy.

20 Name: OP : 2011-01-16 04:49 ID:oCO68OeZ

Dear god, I'm desperate... Derealization won't stop... I think I also have depersonalization... I'm getting insomnia because of it. Everything I do is completely beyond me, I have trouble understanding everything. All is so distant... I don't know what to do anymore, again. My psychiatrist must be sleeping right now, I'm in despair, There must be a quick fix, I think I'll take a thousand Alprazolam right now. That's a good idea...

21 Name: OP : 2011-01-20 11:46 ID:oCO68OeZ

I went and took 30 pills... Can't remember shit of what happened. But I went to the emergency room and they said derealization comes from my anti-depressant mixed with my anti-psychotic, and now that I'm off it I'm much much better from my derealization. Just to let you guys know...

22 Name: Anonymous : 2011-01-20 20:37 ID:EOY5UBDb

Good to hear, I was wondering what happened and if that message was for real (although it's hard to really care for some random person on the internet unfortunately).

Did the doctors screw up with the meds or was this a side-effect they couldn't have foreseen?

23 Name: OP : 2011-01-21 00:47 ID:oCO68OeZ

They couldn't have foreseen it really, I searched the internet and found nothing on it. Maybe it's a rare-chance kind of thing, but it sure happened to me. I'm just glad it's gone.

It's almost time for my driving exam (written), and after that's done I'm going to start studying to finish high school so I can go to college next year, to Game Design.

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