Don't know where to go with my future (5)

1 Name: Darth Later : 2010-09-26 02:13 ID:ioTLDdEu

In 2006, when I was 20 years old, my father had become increasingly violent towards my family, punching and kicking our dogs around. This animal abuse was always prevalent in our family, and though it shames me to say it, I too used to kick dogs around and enjoy it in my early teens. It had reached an apex however two years before this, when he started kicking our dogs around the house and at some points, stomping on them. He even splashed hot coffee on my mother once but she only said it was at accident. And this was no genuine accident for he was in one of his moods and did not apologize to her. At one point he threatened to kill one of our dogs, then he threatened to shoot my mother. He stockpiles guns and given his behavior, I believed him. That particular incident resolved itself by simply not speaking of it again, and my mother and my father simply laughed about it like it was nothing days later. That’s the way things have always been in this family. I remember one point six years ago, he had been kicking and punching the dogs for a week straight but when it was all over and he wasn’t angry anymore, everyone acted like nothing bad ever happened, and my mother didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

There was one time when he destroyed her clock in a fit of rage and she was afraid he was going to destroy her stereo too. But during the time period after he had threatened my mother, eventually after we and him had a brief scuffle over where to put the dinner plates, he threatened to kick my ass too. After that, I confronted him about everything and he said he didn’t care. He said he didn’t give a damn about me either, and he said he was going to kick me out. My mother said that wasn’t going to happen, but other than that, she did nothing. I turned to some of my friends for support, but some of them suggested that I stay there, in case things get worse. Ironically enough, things became tamer, even safe and if you had seen them then, you wouldn't have believed what I told you about them before. But my immediate family, meaning my mother and father, acted as if nothing was wrong. I resolved then never to speak with my father again. I stayed in college, partly to succeed but also partly to get away from the situation. During those times things never got as bad as they used to and in general, since then, they never have. I did make a few friends and we hung out sometimes. I was desperate to get away from the situation and while I grew closer with those friends, I was concerned for my mother and our pets. I looked for ways outside the situation but ultimately I felt needed at home. Knowing that man was my only father disgusted me and at times I was ready to kill myself. The guilt from not acting against him when he did his vile acts also haunted me. Part of me thinks I should feel good for finally speaking up, but nonetheless, I sat by and let these things happen. Fortunately my father had taken a job that required him to be away for months at a time, but even then my parents were older than the usual, in their upper 50s to early 60s. That is hardly old by any stretch but all the same I feared the stress would be bad for my mother. There was one time where I thought my mother was gravely ill and though it was not what we thought, I had to drive her to the doctor after all. I looked for work but nothing came and we unfortunately continued to be reliant on my father. My mother has always rationalized what has happened here, saying it wasn’t so bad, that it was ridiculous that I’d get upset that he’d threaten her. I abhor Stockholm’s Syndrome but in her case it is pitiable.

2 Name: Darth Later : 2010-09-26 02:14 ID:ioTLDdEu

Next year, things remained tame for awhile. At one point my father did come after me, hitting me, and we were about to have a full out fight. It was related to me not speaking to him anymore. When that happened, my mother was terrified and begged me not to call the cops. I did though, and again things stayed rather calm. But there was no mark so nothing could be done. I remember that his justification for what he did was that I apparently gave him an arrogant look, never mind that I was watching the TV when it happened. But things returned to as normal as they could be. The job search continued to be unfruitful so I got into serious writing, like short stories and the like. I felt that even if it did not bring me any money, it would be a method of empowerment anyway, as it is what I enjoy doing. It did not bring me any money and nothing came of it when it came to getting things published, but I was happy anyway. I continued attending college, and would not graduate until three years later. I saw therapists about these issues at home, and I made some friendships. I made progress with the therapy in developing social relationships and the issues back home. I was always shy so despite the acclaim of college, I did not go all out as some people reminisce about their college years. But it took away much of the stress, and I made friendships that may not last forever yet still mean much to me. I continued borrowing from student loans and am now up to my ears in debt. I considered living on-campus but the situation from before had been such a large part of my life, Given the current economy, I am aware I cannot do much with my college degree, but even so, I am happy with the knowledge I have and ultimately do not regret the experience.

Fast forward three years later to the current day. Things never became hectic again, at least not to anything like years ago. I’ll never understand why but that’s the nature of things. I just graduated college this past May. More importantly, it was only a year ago I learned of animal abuse laws and he had taken back up his habit of kicking the dogs and cats around. It was never as violent as it used to be but it still hurt to see it. I confronted them about it but they have denied any of this ever happened, including him threatening to shoot her and splashing hot coffee on her. I called animal control, knowing they could do nothing with no evidence, but thankfully, it has stopped for now. I remember my mother said to me that she was going to kick me out, calling me a liar. I remember the next day she acted normal like nothing had happened between us and simply said sorry, like that made everything better. I don't think her letting me stay here is an act of benevolence at all. It's only letting me stay here because this family is so dysfunctional they don't know anything else. I am desperately looking for work, I am talking to job counselors, anything to get out of this place. I’ve talked with a few of my friends and they’ve helped me out with job links and the like, but nothing has come of it. I am even considering the military, hoping for a desk job. At the same time, it pains me to leave behind my pets. Given that I was a stupid kid who abused animals, and was a cowardly adult who let them be attacked, I am guilty and though I hate being with my parents, I feel good to be with the animals if only to comfort them. Though I have trouble finding work, I am currently in volunteer work so as not to be idle, especially as it relates to getting credibility for work and establishing new relationships.

You may not have much to say or perhaps the opposite. Nevertheless I would appreciate your comments, especially on the perhaps inevitable possibility that I may have to abandon my pets in order to advance in my future. I think of people who are aware their neighbors are wife beaters or the like and they can do nothing legally to stop such situations, yet for me I feel that is no excuse.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2010-09-27 23:31 ID:NXZHzMKE

That's some vile shit. From my outsider's perspective I would easily forgive you for abandonning your pets in order to get out of that hellhole. I can't imagine how it looks from the inside, though.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2010-09-28 16:37 ID:cmy3IlKL

It's sad, but at the same time dogs and cats are animals and probably don't experience this the same way you do. It's good that you try to be different yourself, and it is probably too late to help your mother or father. It might be least stressfull for your mother if you let it rest.
I certainly wouldn't join the army, because in essence its still a place which trains you to commit one of the most violent acts of all. Many more normal people develop mental issues there, and with your background you certainly have an increased risk of that happening. Just try to last untill you get a normal job. I think you can be proud of what you have already accomplished so far, both in study as in developing yourself as a person.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2010-09-30 05:32 ID:Heaven

I could but repeat >>3 and >>4 said. Save you self, while you can.

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