Here's my whole shitty life situation. Care or DGAF, your choice.
I'm an 18 year old guy and I'm starting my second semester of college right now. I've made a couple friends, but all of them drink and smoke weed and shit like that which I don't want any part of (inb4 faggot) so I need to find more friends. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I guess I'm kinda likeable. I have no problem holding a conversation with someone once it's gotten started, but starting a conversation with a random stranger in a class or whatever (particularly a girl) to get to know them is beyond me.
I did have one other friend before, about for the first 3 weeks of school. She had feelings for me, I thought I had feelings for her, we had some great times together, she cheated on her boyfriend with me, I said and did some stupid shit, then she said and did some stupid shit, and I ended it with her. It was about a week after we stopped hanging out (I told her I never liked her and she said she'll never talk to me again, blah blah blah, we stopped hanging out.) She was just telling me how she's always there for me. Then I forgot to take my meds and was totally fucked up. I tried to call her and text her to get to her, but she ignored me like 8 times. I told her that she's not my friend to never talk to me again. I was pissed. We were close before that. We spent basically all of our time together. We'd always be there for each other when our respective mental illnesses (she's bipolar and mildly schizophrenic) were breaking us down. Honestly, I've never had someone like that who could share my pain and who's been through the same sort of shit. I haven't really made many friends since, so that's still in my mind.
She tried to talk to me a few times, but I blew her off, most recently texting me on New Years. I think it's probably for the better, since she hurt me and caused me mad anxiety and shit.
But here I am now, totally fucked up and hurting myself. Hitting myself, scratching myself, cutting myself. A part of me (which I don't particularly like) wishes I had responded to her when she tried to contact me so I would have someone to go to. I can't go to my other friends here (who I'm not close with at all) and tell them about this shit. Most of my high school friends don't know I'm like this and I don't want to freak them out. If I still had her, that part of me feels like I could go to her without her judging me as weird or pathetic like anybody else would. If I went back now, she might ignore me or be mad at me or something or just not give a shit about me since I ignored her when she tried to talk to me.
But I promised myself I would not go back to her. She hurt me. A lot. When she said she was going to stop talking to me forever (oddly right after telling me that she loved me more than anybody else in the world(which is weird, obviously)) I cut myself for the first time. I had felt worse than I had ever felt in my life. Then she proceeded to fuck with me for the next week or so, saying she'd "come back to me when she wants to" and saying she wants to be my best friend again and then saying she doesn't. Shit like that. Even before that, she had lied to me and hurt me. She asked me out, I said yes (brain was not activated), then I said I wasn't ready and she said she'd wait. The next day she was back with her boyfriend. That type of shit.
What do?
Get over her... Nothing good will come from pursuing a relationship with this girl.
I don't want to pursue a relationship with her. Sorry if I came off that way. I valued being friends with her, but I'm not romantically interested in her.
You know? Fuck it. I don't need her to be there for me. The times when I needed her to be there for me were from her emotionally fucking wrecking me. The times I feel like I need her now are always because of her. If we start hanging out again by some means, it will be a mess. She'll probably still have feelings for me, she'll get jealous and shit if she sees me talking to a girl I like or she'll get a boyfriend and I'll get jealous that he gets more of her attention than I do or she'll try to cheat on him with me (hell, it was her second time cheating) or some bullshit like that. It's not worth it. It's nice having someone there for you, but not when they're the reason you need someone there for you. Thanks for the encouragement. Seriously.
Seriously, I didn't even get into half of her manipulative bullshit in these posts. I appreciate the advice and welcome any further comments.
>>4
Yes. Fuck. That. Shit.
> I didn't even get into half of her manipulative bullshit
Oh, god. I know all about it, man. Look, just stay rational about this. Don't fall victim again, and again, and again. You know everything that'll happen and you know exactly how it'll go down, so save yourself the trouble of feeling it once more. Relationship or otherwise. Friendship is just as poisonous.