So. I come to you iichan because I never know who else to talk with.
I feel as though my base-level demeanor is sad or unhappy. By base-level, I mean when I'm not watching something, or doing homework, etc. My base-level is how I feel when everything stops for a moment and I just think about life.
I am unsatisfied. I imagine this is partly due to frustration with schoolwork being quite hard (I guess I was "gifted" in HS because I recall it being much easier back then), partly due to frustration with success (I feel hopeless when it comes to the "after college" situation, which is to say, PhD programs or working. The latter looks unfulfilling and the former looks like more than I can handle.), and partly due to frustration with personal life.
I have few talents, outside being a slightly above average student. I'm a piss-poor guitarist, can't sing for shit, barely can play sports, no artistic skills, not well read, and--although socially capable--feel terribly disconnected from everyone else.
Most of all, I'm saddened by my continuing inability to find "love," and a strong lack of satisfaction from my friendships.
However--AND THIS IS THE WEIRD PART--I derive some fucked up enjoyment from being really sad, more sad than my base-level. Most of my life is emotionless, I go here, I do that, I hand in homework, I take tests. Everything is mediocre. I'm in college, I'm not at risk of failing, but I'm not going to be valedictorian.
I rarely feel strong emotions. As such, I think feeling very sad--think everyone forgetting your birthday--feels good because at least I'm FEELING again, instead of just being.
I don't know how to create happy feelings. Please help.
Background on me:
20, male, college student (CS & Physics), Northeastern USA.
Dude, I feel you.
IMHO, everyone had day(s) like that. Just take it easy, enjoy yourself. Don't give a f*^k about what other, even you yourself, thinks of you.
If you can't find others to love, just love yourself and your family. They'd been there for you since day 1, why not now?
Happy feelings?
Just be thankful to GOD, dude. And every moment becomes happy feelings. Why? Cos all the shits and shines, ups and downs, you're still alive, in one piece.
Dude, I'd been to I%^&@ and B@*^)!$^3, and I'd seen and live with shits. I'd met a FAMILY living in a DUMPSTER! a FAMILY! 1 pops, 1 mom and 2 kids.
You got yourself in a good situation already, life's hard, who said its easy. Even a baby gotta cry to get fed, no?
Just one more thing, life is just about perspective.
If you like doing something and giving your all, on the outside, people will see you suffer like f#$%ing hell, but inside, you ain't feeling hard cos your enjoying every f&^%ing moment of it.
Thanks for listening, and I'm sorry dude for yapping too long. See ya again.
Hmm.
On the family, I've always had an awkward relationship with them. Something to do with a burning desire to independent of them. I've never really figured out why and I've tried to get closer to them, but it just doesn't feel right. I imagine my familial relationships are actually a very significant reason for my current problems. Unfortunately, I think any resolution of this issue is at least a half-decade away.
I totally see what you're saying about the quality of my life. I have it really good and I feel terrible for not appreciating it enough.
> If you like doing something and giving your all
I think this is my problem. I'm lacking a passion and desire for anything. Really, the only thing I can think about now is not being lonely any more. I'd like someone to think of me as special. Someone who makes me happy and sad; someone who makes me feel. I feel weak for saying that--depending on another human and all, but really, it's the only thing I can truly concentrate 100% on now-a-days.
Thanks for the response man. I feel terrible about that family living in a dumpster. That's just... unthinkable.