I'm not sure what I should be doing now. I'm currently 23 and have never done any sort of thing with my life. I am a schizophrenic, and while the issues and paranoia and such aren't that bothering, it seems to be the negative symptoms that have really been affecting me (even though I don't like blaming it on my condition, everyone tell me that it's the cause for this avolition and apathy). Despite trying multiple medications over the years, I've always been like this and believe I always will have this lack of direction and desires. I have been living at home for the past few years and rarely ever leave my room, and while I do want to move out into a small studio or apartment with a roommate, I can't take the step and feel that there's no point since I'll probably be like this there.
I've also been having there feelings of transsexuality resurfacing since I've felt since around 13 and just been in the back of my mind for the past few years; the main reason I don't persuade it basically a question of would it be worth it and would I even feel any better if I were to waste time and money following those feelings. There's also other issues like my lack of sexual drive (despite having interest in numerous fetishes).
I know this place won't help and just tell me that I need to decide on myself for what to do. It feels like I need a good friend to tell/influence me on what I should, but anyone I had any sort of bond with (especially one person I've knew since 16) have either just faded away, basically told me to stop communicating with them, or just never happened (all these bonds were just online, and never had any offline friend). I probably need someone to have me go after something and possibly tell me that anything I do would be worth it and to be more frivolous with myself (even if it's just a blind optimistic pipedream view).
Also, please don't tell me to see a therapist or seek profession help. I've been going to them for years, and I never talk in there (I don't like talking anywhere), can't deal with having to tell someone 'non-stranger nor non-friend' about my problems, never could think of anything to talk about in session, and never do anything besides play chess and such there.
What do you like doing in your spare time, OP? I want to talk to you.
:)
I also get very flustered whenever I see people doing things with their lives, no matter how insignificant or even "bad" it it, just because they're doing SOMETHING while I'm still doing nothing. One specific example is briefly remeeting up with someone from years ago that shared similar but harsher trans- feelings, and while a lot of bad as happened to her, she's coming along quite well in her transformation and is even planning to make a new life and 'complete' herself overseas (I've been just completely entangled for weeks and still am upon hearing that).
>>2 here
How are you doing education wise? Possible to go back to the system?
>>5
I don't think so. I was in college for about a year, but my schizophrenia and anxiety heightened and I returned home and did nothing since. Even still, I doubt I'd go back to college since I don't really see the point of it anymore and will probably end up being a waste of time, effort and money.
>>2 here.
I left school at 16 and did nothing for a year, except a job at a supermarket. It was very depressing. Going to college and then university helped me put my life back on track.
Like you, I didn't have many, if any friends and felt very anxious in social situations. Usually I would never talk to anybody, still don't, but moreso than I did.
Going back to education involved me getting on a train packed with people my age, it was horrible. I stuck out college and I was offered a place at a univerity course, now I'm about to finish it and get a degree.
I didn't make many friends at university, but I have a lovely girlfriend, and I'm close to getting a good job abroad.
I think if I didn't go back into education, I'd still be working at the supermarket, seeing everyone else succeed.
tl;dr:
Go back to education, Choose a subject that you are very interested in (easier to talk to classmates about, I did Games Development, so nerds. I could talk about videogames)
>>7
I don't really see how returning to school will help me do anything to help me change myself.
I will never join a subject out of interest (like game development), since every person in those classes seems so shallow and generic (either overglorifies "retroness" (Nintendo) or have some pipedream of making the next big indie game). I can't deal with people being interested in fields I have some interest in, just for the sheer niche-grouping/groupthink thought on the subjects in said field.
Too true, you really have to put up with some annoying people, esp in such a nerd course like GamesDev, I did anyway.
I guess it isn't the school system that will help you, more the opportunities it brings; because i went to college, I could go to uni, which allowed me to travel and live alone. I'm a much different now to how I was five years ago.
>>9
Uhh, when I say college, I mean post-secondary, and I have gone to for a year on my own (two different colleges each on other sides of the country due to indecisiveness) and it didn't turn out well.
And I still don't think it would get me anywhere.
What happened to zMSoeXzz?
It's nice to talk to someone before I despite them for some arbitrary reason.
Hi.
I'm still here. I didn't know what else to say on the advice front so I thought I'd leave it to see if anyone else was going to offer any advice. How are you?
Feeling pretty much the same as always; actually went out with mother and did a little foodshopping but didn't buy much (considering I only shop every 3-4 weeks) and keep feeling 'down' of myself.
Get the impression you're English. Where abouts do you live anyway?
Northeastern USA
Well, I way way off then. Play any videogames champ?
>>16
I absolutely can't stand gaming nowadays, and any games I do play are those I enjoyed a long time ago (been playing the King's Field series recently) or play for racing purposes against other people online.
Yeah. Recently I got a PSX emulator and I've been playing through games I played when I was about 12. Good, nay, best times.
>>18
It's not so more enjoyment for me, but rather something I can take part in that doesn't really irk me as most other actions could.
oh. So what do you enjoy?
>>20
That.
It's just that it so minute nowadays that it feel doesn't feel/qualify as enjoyment.
I don't really get a lot of time to enjoy myself recently. Deadlines are this week and next week, the work I hand in will determine what grade I get for this three year course.
I can't wait until it's all over, but I have no idea what I'll do to pass the time. I'll end up wanting all these structured tasks again.
I never got situations like those and how everyone hyperboles the importance of one piece or how they always procrastinate until the end of something important.
So many statuses on facebook from classmates staying up all night every night. I've pulled two all nighters, but I'm not finishing stuff, just making it more presentable.
You seem to have a real 'as-is' look on life, like your mind is made up on everything. I used to be like that and people found me hard to talk to. Sometimes I find it hard to respond because I don't know where to lead the conversation. I guess thats why I've asked questions at almost any prompt.
What do you find interesting?
Why the hell would facebook have any meaning or even bother with any sort of socialnetworking? Why be uncomfortable with communication or be bothered in way so that you're remain quizzical or lost?
Also, I never really had any interests and remain uninterested in pretty much everything.
No interests? Nothing makes you go "ooh?" or whatever? That must be horrible.
>>26
Nothing I can thing it.
Feels terrible and each day is just timksinks
Yeah, really horrible
I don't really know what to say. Find an interest, there must be something.
What have you tried so far in your search for interests?