Leaving the Hospital, starting a new life (8)

1 Name: júpiter-maçã : 2011-06-08 03:13 ID:eCcCaMe2

Hello. Let me introduce myself. I am a 22 year old girl from São Paulo, Brazil. I suffer from borderline personality disorder and tonight I am spending my last night on the psichiatric hospital. I've been brought here after I tried to commit suicide and I have been here for a month and a week now. Tomorrow will be the day of my freedom, but I am really scared. How I am I supposed to handle things out there? Its so hard to deal with my parents! I want to go slowly, take one step at a time, but its easy to say and hard to do.

Tha days here have been like torture. I just can't take it anymore and it feels goot to know I'll be gone, but on the other hand, I'll be back to my mom's place, and I hate it there so much.

I thought maybe I should travel around my country and leave my mom once and for all.

I'm so scared...What should I do?

2 Name: Anonymous : 2011-06-08 06:15 ID:v/iJQFkw

Traveling is a great idea; you'd be bound to no one place, and could experience an expansive range of stimulating situations.

The world is often frightening, I know. Being so sensitive, frantic, alone and helpless makes you feel like you could die at the drop of a needle. I'm the same way. Lots of substances have both calmed and agitated my behavior, but I know that without firm dedication it is impossible to live life happily, or at least normally.

I'm sorry you had to go away to a mental ward. They either treat you terribly and throw drugs at you like candy, or sincerely care about your problems without the slightest idea of what exactly those problems are. And dealing with fellow patients is a whole spectrum of torment in itself.

You're just getting out. Welcome back! I don't know you personally, however I'm glad that you can be free again, having the choice of sitting beneath the sun in a quiet park, petting the inevitable cat who you will occasionally cross paths with, or just listening to your favorite songs in relative peace.

And I think that's what you might want to try doing, at first. What do you enjoy? What are your interests? What places do you want to see?

3 Name: júpiter-maçã : 2011-06-08 17:07 ID:YMP8NrDd

Thank you for your answer. It makes me feel really good, your words are like a sincere company to me.

I just left the hospital along with my mother and my brother.

It is so ackward that after a long time, they´re still the same, getting annoyed with small problems and not giving a damn about what was going on: I was crying to have the sun all over me, to see the people on the street, the cars and buildings, it was so touching! But they were like, "hurry up, girl, we gotta go now". I was like, you travel to a distant country and when you get back with a lot to share, people remain the same, they don´t even want to know.

Well, I guess that what matters is that I´m back. I love to write. I may write my story, who knows? I´d love to sit on a park bench and just let the sun help me write beautiful things.

I really want to have a beer, really slowly, enjoy its taste.

And I want to go to the most beautiful place I´ve ever been to, a real paradise called Praia do Sono (Sleepy Beach).
Here: http://www.paraty.tur.br/praias/img/praiadosono.jpg
I´ve been there once and it won´t come out of my mind. I feel like there´s something waiting for me there...

Now that I´m out here...I´m afraid people will treat me like "oh poor little sick girl". My mom has already put bars on all of the house´s windows. Thats awful.

Well I guess I wrote enough. I apologize for mistaskes on my english as it is not my native language.....thank you

4 Name: Anonymous : 2011-06-09 08:31 ID:v/iJQFkw

Write anything and everything you'd like, to both us and yourself!

It is distressing to live with the same uncaring people for your whole life. You have so many opportunities to get away from them though. How about getting a part-time job and saving up until you can move out? It would be even better if you made a friend who would want to be your roommate. You're the right age to find some easygoing people to hang out with, perhaps drink with as well!

Don't let your mother and brother's opinions hold you back from anything in life. What they think is naturally disfigured, and they'd be a lot more sympathetic if they could see the world through your eyes for even just one day. You're kind, honest and creative, among many other qualities I'm sure are waiting for their chance to appear. No one worth the weight of your little finger will look down on your or treat you differently because you were once hospitalized for some mental illness or other.

Wow, that IS quite a beautiful place. It seems as if, standing before the sea, you could feel like the only one on the entire face of Earth. When did you last go?

And your English is excellent. Actually, it's better than most Americans', haha.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2011-06-13 01:08 ID:FOjY5X3I

Thank you for answering.

About a part time job...I feel like I´m totally incapable of doing any kind of job. My last job made me lose my mind. I'm such a loser, I can´t handle the pressure and people as they are. It´s been over a year now when I graduated from college, and still, I feel like a total left behind. Sometimes I think about writing a book or selling my handmade stuff, but the second after I lose my confidence.

I´ve been to Praia do Sono about an year ago. It was my first and last time, I was alone there and it was such a good time.

Your words mean a lot to me; thank you very much.

6 Name: júpiter-maçã : 2011-06-13 01:09 ID:FOjY5X3I

forgot to identify myself on the post above

7 Name: Anonymous : 2011-06-13 08:48 ID:v/iJQFkw

It's hard for me to go to work too. Everyday I feel like I won't make it through, but as the hours wear on I gradually relearn how to ignore most of what's happening as I focus on the mindless tasks that give me an excuse not to interact with anyone.

And if you went to college, that's all the better reason you could find a job that's a little less worthless than something like, say, fast food, which is what I do. I'm 21 and haven't attended a single class in what, five years? You have potential, you shouldn't let the present destroy the unborn future lying behind each day like a new star you'll never have seen if you kept standing still.

In the rare moments I allow people to see my creativity and talents, they ask what I'm doing in a place like that. My manager doesn't know why I'm not in school. Everyone I meet looks at me as if I'm a hurt puppy. You kind of appear that way right now. You're beautiful, you possess and uncanny passion for things that could really move a person's heart, yet you won't allow yourself to express it beyond the privacy and security of your own company. How long will it be until you look sadly back upon your life and wish you'd have spread the wings you always had?

I'm happy to be talking to you. It's helping me as well.

8 Name: júpiter-maçã : 2011-06-13 16:37 ID:CPbcayC/

Thank you for your words. I´m glad this is helping you too.

I know what it feels like to work in a place that means nothing, when you know that inside you have beautiful things to show. You know what, college means nothing either. Real intelligence is not in how many classes you attended, but in how you see life.

I don´t want to have a career centered life. I think there are bigger things in human existence than making money and proving to others that you are practical and efficient. Just standing on that beach showed that to me; just spendind more than a month on a mental war showed that to me.

I will spread my wings. It may take a while. It´s gonna be step by step, one thing at a time. I have all the time I need.

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