angry at family (7)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-10 21:01 ID:g5fm8IZj

Ok sorry for my life story but read on if you like. I'm a mid/late twenties male and whenever I think of my family I feel so angry, so enraged, I cannot believe the spiteful way they treated me and it upsets me even to this day. I moved out 6 year ago and since then I have been wandering around the area, moving from town to town lonely and all fucked up and depressed, alone and usually drunk, and I can't control my feelings about how I was raised, raised in an attic. My father would bully me really badly, I would shake badly if he called me and sometimes he would shout at me like a dog. My mother was a completely self-absorbed narcissist living in a dreamworld where I existed for her benefit, had everything given to her and she didn't develop mentally or emotionally.

Anyway why am I writing. Well I've been living in total denial and in drink for way too long, and in denial of everything including my own sexuality (eg. I would tell people I was asexual), every sexual experience I've been in has been very fucking terrifying including penetration and oral. And employment, I have been unemployed or doing 2 bit jobs here and there until I started with my degree. And I've been in denial about the loneliness, telling myself I was some kind of lone wolf, the reality is that I am very lonely and I find friendships to be very hard to form. Luckily I haven't developed alcoholism from my drinking but in recent years it was very dangerous to the point of pissing blood. I was nothing less than a total wreck, self-destructing, also eating disorder issues, major depression and derealization, very lost and hopeless.

It keeps coming back. When I left the house though I had barely any skills at all, no cooking skills, no cleaning skills, no social skills and hardly any money and I was put into a halfway house for high risk as I had attempted suicide a few years ago and I was also having problems with cutting at the time. I cannot believe that they left me so unprepared, and although they were constantly telling me how much they loved me, they were fulfilling their own fantasy. I was off the map in terms of my weight through school - literally, off the map on the BMI chart. sick all the time from starvation. That was the worst thing at all, I have pictures of myself I took. I have so many unresolved issues in places, like why the hell did they attack me, why was violence a normal thing, why did they have sudden tantrums and scare the shit out of me. why there is not a single person calling them out on their bullshit when I know what I've seen and the repercussions from disagreeing that I was living in a loving family, that was a fantasy for them.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-10 21:02 ID:g5fm8IZj

my sister thinks its normal, that the way she grew up was normal and healthy. Now she lives in a poor part of a very poor town with a drug dealer boyfriend, alcohol and drug problems, and a 1 year old son. I cannot believe that she thinks our family was normal and loving. She wants the family to get back together. As if we grew up communicating properly or respectfully and she wants to go back to the old days. God anything but that. I want to be grateful for what I grew up with and respectful, and grateful for the things they gave me but there is no bridge on the other side to receive that respect. I wanted them to love me in the way I felt was natural and normal to me and I am so wrong for that. I am so wrong. I am so wrong. My feelings must be wrong. I still desperately want to find their love where there is no love at all. I wanted to blackmail them, trick them or force them into loving me, to win versus them, and I never realized that they never considered me a person to begin with, for their own issues and because of their own upbringing.

I can't believe the anger I feel, it's completely suffocating. I want to be free of this obligation. but it's how I feel. I hate them for what they are, stupid, violent and bullying. Later in my life my father declared that he had no responsibility to the family and my mother is running around in her fantasyland where she never grew up. I wanted their love and they said they loved, but what I thought was respect ie. being ignored and shouted at, that wasn't respect, it wasn't love, it was poison. It is shocking, humiliating. My brother has drug issues or something, I can't bring myself to see him again, I'm so exhausted by the reality and I can't move on, the fear is overwhelming. Can I live in a world where my parents do not consider me a human being. I have had countless fucking nightmares about everything that has happened in the home, as if I am being dragged into hell, that everything around me and all my family is dying. I feel like I am being punished over and over again. And that I am the guilty one and everything is my fault. And that I can't form a relationship or do something nice because I would be PUNISHED. So I have to stay in my room alone.

There's no way I can see them again. It is not even remotely practical. The only thing I want in the world is to give and receive love, not poison. pathetic. I keep drinking and I feel closer to tears each day. Maybe I am like them, stupid and evil. Why am I still psychologically dependent and angry. It was years ago.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-12 18:11 ID:iUSXWdG8

Hey AngryMale,

I read your story, and I can totally understand why you're pissed off at your family. To start I would like to tell you that I do think you seem to have a rather serious alcohol problem, and you probably should do something about it, like entering the 12 step program, etc. It seems many of the issues in your family stem from a denial of reality, if you want to break the pattern, you should deal more seriously with your alcohol problem.

And that's just the beginning of your quest. You have developed a huge pile of issues, and it will take some time to deal with them. Nevertheless, the fact that you're back in education is a good sign, it's really crucial for you to become autonomous. As for socializing, doesn't your education, or your jobs give you the opportunity to interact with people? How does that work?

Finally, in regards to your past and your family, you have to keep your anger under control, because nothing positive comes out of that. For sure you can't ignore the anger that you have built up, but don't let it control you. Remember that since you have left your family home you're under your own responsibility, so don't push everything into your parent's fault, that kind of behavior can really cripple your future. Don't hesitate to come back here to comment on how you are doing.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-15 01:23 ID:g5fm8IZj

thanks for reading. Yes, I have a serious problem with alcohol. This is making me feel messed up. An adult male should not be drinking themselves to exhaustion three times a week on their own. When I don't drink for long periods, I read more and I feel lonely. I keep thinking of my family and my life. I keep waking up with hangovers. What is worse? I have nothing to offer anyone but poison. Did I use to drink as heavily as this I don't know. In this life everything seems to keep getting blacker. Blacker and blacker and sadder and sadder. Three years ago my life was very dark, very hopeless and then 6 months past and things were even darker and everything seemed to be closing down. And then roughly things moved a little upward and I moved three times and now I eat and try to stay active and spend my time on my degree. Maybe I have made my life around drinking. god what have I done. i thought i was studying to get better, i did this not to get drunk but to kill myself. i am still in a nightmare. ir feels like a nightmare.

5 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-15 09:16 ID:F4SnGm8R

AngryMan, at least you realize that you have a problem with alcohol, some people take decades and untold damage to reach the same conclusion.

Here are some quick facts that you should really burn into your mind about alcoholism: it's a disease, just like cancer, and just as you can't heal from cancer just with a strong will, you also can't recover from alcoholism just with a strong will. You absolutely need to go to a doctor specialized in alcohol addiction so that your weaning is followed up. Otherwise you'll keep relapsing into addiction, or even worse end up dead just like the singer Amy Winehouse (she did not know that binge drinking is deadly for someone who stopped drinking alcohol for a couple of months). Alcoholism is a very complex disease that really needs a close professional follow up (for instance: abrupt weaning is also problematic). So get some professional help. Final piece of advice: you must understand that alcoholics process alcohol differently from normal people, and what this means is that whereas normal people can drink a bit and not be affected, for an alcoholic even a few drops are enough to cause a disastrous relapse, even years after weaning. So remember this: alcoholism is a chronic condition which demands that you NEVER again drink even a single drop of alcohol (even alcohol in chocolates, for instance). Just consider alcohol as a poisonous substance to which you are extremely allergic to.

Keep going for your studies, and make it your priority to treat your alcoholism. This will make your life much brighter. Don't focus on your sad past history, your immediate enemy right now is alcohol, which is devouring your present life, not your family.

6 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-19 03:03 ID:g5fm8IZj

Okay I've spent the last few days sober and I understand not to drink. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. two week I was having one or two beers a night at times. And a few months ago the drinking slowed down and know stopped. But recently I have been drinking to feel normal. I know an alcoholic cannot stop drinking once they start, they don't have the choice, I've seen it with my sister. The effect of alcohol on me is probably not the same person: but how come I can stop drinking by willpower alone? I have done this regularly. It is not as if I drink myself to total drunkness after a sip. But I feel very compelled to binge drink and there is a physical effect, like. a huge great feeling. I'm probably dependent to some level so drinking is probably a very bad thing to do.

The worst feeling of all is the loneliness and desperation. I can't block it out no matter how hard I try. Am I just not telling my self the truth? Why don't I feel ALLOWED to do what I want? I can't seem to be the person that I want to be.

7 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-19 07:27 ID:F4SnGm8R

>I don't think I'm an alcoholic.

Yeah, relatives of alcoholics hear that a lot. Check this:

>I've spent the last few days sober
>recently I have been drinking to feel normal.
>I feel very compelled to binge drink

Non alcoholics don't say this kind of things. But the best one is

>how come I can stop drinking by willpower alone? I have done this regularly

There's a joke that goes like this: "I'm not addicted to smoke, I've stopped smoking many times." But I think you're beyond understanding it, since you say it yourself with a straight face (I guess). The thing is, you can only stop once, otherwise you did not really stop.
You're not an alcoholic? Why don't you go check it up with an alcohologist? His opinion should be useful, it's his job after all, not yours. It's also funny how you're so affirmative while speaking of your sister, and dismissive while talking about yourself.

If you are really not an alcoholic, then it should be easy for you to stop drinking completely, and for the rest of your life. Not a single drink ever. Easy. Why don't you do it?
The reality is that you could go on for a short while without drinking, but as soon as you feel a little stressed, you would start drinking again. Non alcoholics don't even think about drinking when they feel really shitty, desperate, etc. That's not something you can do.

>The worst feeling of all is the loneliness and desperation[...]

fix your alcohol problem, then you can think about your other problems.

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