I forgot something when I left for work today. I didn't think it would matter much, and anyway I was halfway there by the time I realized it, so I kept going. Little did I know what would happen! Tomorrow, I definitely will make sure I have...
...it. The day progressed and I carried on through the misty evening streets on my way home from work when I happened upon a cat. The cat was a filthy brown, such a dirty little thing. The cat was startled by something and ran into an alley. I thought nothing much of this until...
...The ground below rushed up at him, and he tensed against the crushing impact that...
... even managed to shift the narrator perspective in mid-sentence. He got on his feet, but froze in terror when he saw ...
...the protagonist protest against the stylistic quirks of this thread, which threatened to harm a poor little kittycat, as well as his dentures. After smacking into the ground headfirst, First I regained the narrative from the third person frozen in fear. He would be back....
Then I pushed back at the ground which had rushed up to me. Actually, I just tripped over the little cat's friend that had not shown up in the periphery of my sight. But when I took a closer look at this 'friend' I got ...
...a raging hard-on, as I decided that a cat is fine too. I unzipped my trousers, revealing my 10-inch...
...produced such a raving, psychedelic bowel movement that the two cats fled away. That said, I still had to go to work, but with my current condition and especially the condition of my pants, I had no choice to go home for spares. Halfway back, I realized I had forgotten something and I still didn't know what. I also didn't know...
...how to shot web, even though I swore to Raptor Jesus that i'd nevar 4get after seeing that fucking cat. A crazy man jumped out at me, and I thought this was Doom 3, but he offered to suck my cock. I told him "DO NOT WANT!", since I didn't want to risk our balls touching. He declared "Disregard that, I suck cocks." but the protip was fgsfds. I apologized for getting over 9000 chan memes out of the way, and GTFO out there, deciding the lurk more before I became an hero. I finally reached my Twinkie House at Goofy Time, when...
...the delusional state of mind I was lifted. My god, I still don't know how the hell I got home in that condition. Well, that, also what the hell...
... was this Realdoll in the image of the Yaranaika guy (complete with removeable overalls) doing lounging on my couch? I had to admit his facial expression was very seductive, but then I remembered ...
... that my boyfriend was very uptight about these kind of things (keeping a 10inch cake in my pants was already difficult enough for him to handle.) So I left the doll on the couch and went upstairs to hit the shower. After getting the dirt off my body and feeling a bit more comfortable after all the predicaments of the day, I became more relaxed. When I'm showering, I really get creative, so I started toying with the shower head a little and thats when...
... I heard the door open and close, followed shortly by a horrified yell from the living room. I,,,
... disregard my apparent inability to properly add ellipses to my narration, and...
...also forgot to phrase my narration in the past tense. I ran downstairs, covering my naked genitals with a hand towel, and entered the living room to discover...
...a bath towel, despite my desire to cover my naked body with it, I had grown accustomed to the hand towel. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Weeping openly at the sudden social situation that required me to part with the hand towel, I wrapped my pelvis with the bath towel and opened the door to discover...
...the "Great Bellini"! He complemented me on my towel, and offered to let me touch him with a stick in exchange for a donation to Egale. I was elated at the opportunity to physically touch Paul Bellini, so despite my seething hatred for all things homosexual, I decided to retrieve my wallet. When I returned to the door with cash in hand...
...Paul Bellini was burying his face feverishly in my discarded hand towel. Upon discovering that I had returned, he immediately began to scream and moan in a way that resembled the Max Headroom pirate broadcast of 1987. I stopped him in mid-reference, right around the line "ooooooooh, my files..." and informed him that I secretly obsess over that particular clip on Youtube. Paul Bellini looked dejected, then looked up and said...
..."Come with me if you want to live". As odd as this proposal was I decided to go with the Paul Bellini in order to escape what he explained was certain death at the hands of...
... a possessed Realdoll. I was just about to complain about the blatant Doctor Who S27E01 ripoff when the ground burst open, and a horrific creature emerged. It vaguely resembled ...
...my mom but looked better. The problem of being a woman is that if you want to cover your nakedness, you need both hands. Because of this (necessary) disposition, I was rendered completely defenseless and the creature had an easy time first splattering Bellini under its massive foot and then simply picking me up. Seriously, I...
...never thought my wildest dreams would come true in such a way! My incest/monster/size/crush fetish was fulfilled and I got so excited I didn't even notice my gender had switched for some reason. With great trepidation...
...I looked up at the monster but it seemed only interested in eating me, and not in the way I had in mind. It seems I had some aftereffects from the halucinogenic morningexercises which i already told you about, but for a minute I had had serious doubts about my gender. Having my round, D-sized breasts pressed against myself by a strong claw convinced me otherwise: I was still a young, stretchy woman (and quite attractive if I may say so myself.) Anyway, the situation looked dire and the monster had already seasoned me with what tasted like cheap chili-sauce, when I was saved by the miracles of modern IT. The monsters cellphone rang...
...and...
...well, it turned out that his friends were totally waiting for him at the snooker table so he had to go ASAP. This was not the end of it though, because he took me along, perhaps as a monsters idea of bringing a snack...
...however, I wasn't about to let that happen because I BROUGHT MY DINOSAUR, WHO EATS FORCE FIELD DOGS. I'm not sure how they would help, but I was determined to try, because my life depended on it. As time passed my anxiety increased, until...
...the monster swallowed me, fulfilling my vore fetish. I came, and this immediately gave the creature indigestion. He produced such a raving, psychedelic bowel movement that I shot out his cloaca at Mach 4. I hit the ground and picked myself up; the monster was long gone, having been greatly embarrassed by having an 'accident' in front of his snooker buddies. I used my newly regained freedom to...
...enter into a deep spiritual trance because I was obviously not in touch with my aura and I needed to get it fixed.
...
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...Aζζζsuddenly Iζζζζζζthatζζwas only aζζζζζζch was incredibly awesome! I nevζζζζζζζζζζnobody couζζζζζζthaζζζnt, but I continued on my way, stopping only to...
piss in the gutter
...When I was done I made to close my zipper (its a habit) only to notice once again my nakedness. Far away from my home without anything to cover myself (the abused handtowel seemed like a luxury now) I had no idea what to do but it was around this moment that I felt that, maybe today I would just call in sick for work...
... but then some asshole bumped my thread, forcing me to continue my wacky hijinks as there was someone coming around the streetcorner and approaching fast. It was ...
...completely dressed in yellow and green, including gloves and fur hat. He was totally a pirate, the most pirate of them all with five parrots perched on his shoulder. He had two outdated pistols in his sash and three wooden legs, which he carried under his arms since his own legs were just fine...
..., but plated with wood anyway. He was fearful for my life, despite the loud, tropical colors of his garb, and I seized up with freight when he stopped close by and turned to face me. He spoke, and introduced himself as "Clambeard, Queen of all Pirates". My fear decreased, but my anxiety did not pass. His voice...
was way too deep for a woman so I was dealing with another creepy crossdresser. Then again, he'd probably leave me alone even though I was stark naked. In fact, (s)he didn't even seem to notice. The parrots, however, were ogling me very suspiciously, especially the leftmost. And then... they started commenting me....oh the shame!
-"Check out that booty there, Paul!"
-"Arrr, Zachary, that be a fine treasure I'd like to polish"
-"Check out that that lush bush there, Paul!"
-"Arr, Zachary, that be a fine landing strip I'd like to crash in"
-"Check out that blush there, Paul!"
-"Arr, Zachary, that be a fine signal of a girl in heat I'd like to do, arrr!!"
However perverted, they were still animals and their expressive ability very limited. It was intriguing in a sense that each of the birds participated in the talking, one after the other, from left to right, and then the leftmost again for the sixth comment.
Now clearly this was problematic because he had been referred to as Zachary at first, and now seemed to impersonate Paul. The birds seemed aware of this inconsistency as well but were unable to trace the problem to their limited intelligence so instead they started bickering to each other.
-"I'm Paul!"
-"No me! you're Zachary!"
-"No you!"
-"No you! I get to bang the broad and you, Zachary, go away"
-"No I'm Paul! I get to rape her round ass!"
Now I was much less impressed with the birds and just appalled. Their quarreling got louder and wilder until it erupted into a feathery fight and they fell to the ground in a flurry. Clambeard was not pleased...
...that his sixth parrot had died that morning after being caught by two smelly cats, and he explained that he expected something like this to happen. He communicated how he trained half a dozen parrots to rape strangers (an impressive feat considering the difficulty in doing so without penises or arms) and that he was on his way to the local KFC to pawn off his now useless birds of prey. I felt relieved for the recent passing of Paul #3, but tried to outwardly express sincere sympathy. After further discussion, I learned that he was headed to the same KFC I worked at part-time, and where I was headed until I recalled about my still-forgotten...
... .... .... yeah, there was really something that I was forgetting and I just couldn't remember what it was. But it didn't feel important at the time. All I could worry about was my unfortunate nudity and the hungry eyes it gave any man who walked by me. I parted ways with Clambeard and shirked against the backside of the KFC restaurant for a short rest. Then the stresses of the day overcame me and I dozed off almost immediately. I entered into a deep, restless sleep, while behind me in the kitchen five soft thuds gave away the ending of Zachary's, Zachary's, Paul's, Zachary's and Paul's wannabe sextet quintet. I fell into a deep sleep - deep, oh so deep...
but not deep enough, because I quickly awoke to a petrified purple stub, a sort of silly little winking mushroom that could talk. the thing didn't provide a name so a supplied one for it: abednego. we chatted for a bit, it was a bore, i feel on the floor and it twisted, yet failed to break. i saw an old bag of cheetoes under the bed and wondered when i had ever eaten that type of snack, i prefer much more mild snacks, like triscuits, or wheat thins. in any case the ceiling fan spun while my mom called for my cat whose name is kitty. am i out of toilet paper I wondered and
...came to the conclusion that the Cheeto's bag contained no cheesy goodness, but was merely a convenient hiding place for my LSD stash. Also, that mushroom was actually my penis and my mom calling for my cat was actually my supervisor yelling at me for dozing off, naked, in the customer area of KFC. I decided that continuing this lucid dream was better than waking up to unprecedented embarrassment, so I reached for the Cheeto's and gripped that talking mushroom. After a few minutes passed...
...I felt an unwelcomed sensation on my chest. My uncovered appearance seemed to be too much for my supervisor and now he was...
...covering my naked body with a woolen blanket, to which I was allergic. His staunchly conservative values regarded nakedness as sinful and evil, and I knew he was going to fire me after this incident and then go home and bone his wife through a hole in the sheets while thinking of my well-sculpted...
...nipples which were pointing at him as if to provoke him. Defying my expectations though, he bowed before me and pleaded to hear his request. While I had dozed off, I had heard the lifes of the parrots end, but the last thump had not been Paul's head, but the finger of the butcher. Clearly this was divine intervention. Paul, who had been pursuing naked women all his life, was blinded by fear for three hours, trodding slowly accross the kitchen, searching for Gods way. After all, he had been convinced that finding naked women and then punishing them was Gods command. He had crawed out to God, "Oh, why have you forsaken me!"
But after three hours, light returned to Pauls eyes and God appeared before him.
I dunno, I mean my supervisor is a Jesus-freak as I told you, so his story was a little incoherent but definitely very obedient towards the ways of God, which usually he heard from his pastor but now finally was able to witness for himself (praise the lord.) At any rate, Paul now no longer persecuted naked women, but instead sided with them and wished to spread the word of God among the women and deliver them from their clothes. He was now to go to Greece to work salivation.
But of course a mere lone parrot could not go alone, so could I, who was most worthy of naked women around, please accompany him on his journey? Hoping to get the hell out of there, I quickly agreed, had reverend Paul perched on my shoulder and went off. As I ran, the KFC staff chanting 'Kumbaya' became fainter and fainter....
...but I wasn't really that fast and I knew they were just humoring me by singing quieter. As I ran out of breath and slowed to a snails pace, the irony of leaving KFC to go to Greece dawned on me. Is that irony? I think so, or maybe it's just a bad pun on my part.
Anyway, I stopped by home and checked Google Maps for directions, but when it suggested I swim across the Atlantic, I chucked my MacBook out the window, which happened to be closed. Outside, the windows someone cried out in shock and pain...
...because that just happens when you try out MacOs the first time. I tried to put some clothes on but reverend Paul was adamant: It would not happen. Of course I would not let some horny bird control my life, far from it. Therefore I threw reverend Paul hard against the bedroom wall...
... that happened to have a hole in it, which he went straight through. Free of him, I put on a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans, clearly not trying to impress anybody today. I sat down for a few moments to relax and reflect on these recent events, when the doorbell rang. It was...
...a swarm of of biologically engineered super-moths, which proceeded to devour the clothes I just dressed myself in, which was no big loss because it was laundry day and I hated that shirt. After destroying the clothes on my back and all fabric in my house, they rudely and abruptly left without so much as a thank you for my hospitality. I scavenged what I could in terms of money and supplies and left my house...
...and then it dawned to me what I had forgotten...
..., for I still had my emergency stashes of clothes around the city for just such an occasion (or a sudden lycanthropy attack). However, when I opened the nearest one, the super-moths came back for an encore. As I sat there bemoaning my fate and wondering what cruel deity so badly wanted me to stay stark naked for the entire remaining narrative, I heard a familiar voice ...
...It was reverend Paul, the pervert parrot who appeared to have taken a liking to my naked body.
"Do you believe now?" it squawked.
"I'm on a holy mission to deliver woman from their clothes in the name of the lord, and you have been chosen as my companion. Don't bother trying to find clothes, for the lord has spoken to me and you shall not wear clothes, not even the most skimpiest string for as long as it pleaseth the lord. Submit to the lord and refrain from clothing."
I had no idea what to say, this was too unreal but before I had time to even process all this, reverend Paul continued.
"And when you sleep at night, you shall not use a blanket but you shall lay on your back. And you shall raise your nipples up high, for it pleaseth the lord to watch upon them. hallelujah!!!"
...
...At this point the parrot got all stiff and pale, unable to control itself and nearly fell down square on its beak. Fortunately I was able to catch him timely. Reverend Paul was going into a trance and spoke with an unearthly voice:
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the four AM newsflash straight from seven's heaven! Praise the lord and I am your newsreader Ezekiel!"
As the heavenly radio jingle played I tried to shake the parrot out of it without much success, although I did manage to change the channel. This time a lone voice called out to me via reverend Paul, calling me by my name. I tried to talk back but was frozen to the ground, unable to move.
"I shall now call you Astarte!" the voice boomed,
"After my long lost wife, which I tragically lost when the Jews decided to become monotheistic. I hoped at least the Christians might give me some slack, even showing them all my son, I mean hellloooo! you need a wife for that, right? but nooooo, oh no, all they could come up with was some argument whether he was me, or whether he was like me. Anyway..."
The person speaking, I'm just supposing it was God, stopped ranting and addressed me again.
"Astarte, please go with reverend Paul, my new prophet, and visit Greece with him to help him with his holy work. When you go to heaven, I will make you my wife."
Reverend Paul regained his colour for a second, then lost it again in a flash.
"Yah, sorry for that, please don't forget to sleep on your back and without blanket, cuz I like to peek. Bye bye!"
The parrot looked at me with dreary eyes...