>>130 I agree with >>133. In a sense, you've been able to fully renounce yourself -- something which not many people manage to do. But once a person renounces himself if he has nothing within him to move him to action then he simply descends into nihilism. We can't find what makes us happy. That's what we're sold in this society: buy this, accomplish these goals, adore these people and you'll be content. If we're looking for something to make us happy, then we're simply reactive creatures that do naught but responding to stimulus: even bacteria do that; hell, even a ball rolls if you kick it. Once the event occurs that triggers our awakening to the injustice and pettiness of the ordinary life that is sold us, it's easy for us to recognize the meaninglessness of such a life. Perhaps your depression and suicidal thoughts are the key to a positive but radical transformation of your mind.

As humans gifted with free will we have the power to take initiative and create our happiness. It doesn't come from any passive involvement in things: the fact that you don't even watch the anime you download shows that you recognize this truth. It's ok that you're not interested in these things, because to you they probably seem vacuous. They may have rewarded you in the past, but now you recognize the futility in seeking happiness through material things.

The problem you are experiencing is that you haven't yet come to understand what to go about doing that will truely create your meaning in life. When we have nothing then we are empowered to do everything. What do you have to lose? If you don't know how to reduce your own suffering now, maybe you can go and help those who suffer from the simple things that we take for granted: those who have no food, no clothing, no shelter, no education or opportunities. Recognizing what we have, it's pointless to sit and feel guilty over the things we have been blessed with. Maybe you aren't starving, but your suffering is still real. I think that going out and simply helping people--and not only meeting their material needs, but giving them the connection that you desire and that they crave--will be a remarkable experience for you.

I understand some of what you've been through. I never reached the point that you have, but I struggled for many years with a huge void of meaninglessness inside of me. It's hard to convey to others why, even though we have so many material comforts, we still feel depressed. Simply create your meaning. Get up, get out, and take action. Isn't that worth a try?