I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was accepted into the the University of Haruhi Suzumiya, alias "Haruko Suzumiya" although nobody believed that. The University was so cool that the dorms and classes were in a giant condo. I had a hotel-room key, but all the kids even from the high school laughed at me because it was only a L1 key two weeks into classes, whereas the other kids mostly had L6 and L8 keys that let them go to much cooler rooms. I felt like maybe I wasn't magic enough to go to this school, but I knew that I did have power because I had a spirit guide who came to assist me when I needed help. Unfortunately, this spirit guide was the Spirit of DQN, so when I asked him for textbooks because they were magic textbooks that I couldn't buy in stores and the other kids had already made their textbooks appear somehow, he gave me books... but they were all HOW TO VIPPER books. And the CDs he gave me when I wanted music were BEST OF DQN CDs. I didn't even try listening to them. I mean, the people at this school were so great that even the women in the nursing home could press the call button by accident and get something they needed.

The kids made fun of my L1 key because it meant I didn't know the true identity of Haruhi. I asked my spirit guide what it was, but instead of initiating me he pointed me to Wikipedia, where the spoilers said that Haruhi's real name was Jesus Christ (spelled in some weird line language that I could read). Finally, I had acquired all my books through illicit methods except for two. I was worrying that I would be found out and expelled from school for not having Haruhi powers. I went outside to Starbucks and asked my spirit guide again. I felt reality being altered, but he had just given me a Vipper book again. Why did he go to all that trouble to give me such a worthless book? But suddenly, I understood, and I knew exactly what to do: I had to give the book to a random person on the street, and they would have the exact books I needed. So I walked past a couple of strangers-- I didn't want to give it to a stranger because if it didn't work they'd be weirded out-- then I saw Carol, a real life friend from college, on the street and I gave her the HOW TO VIPPER book. She looked at me, surprised, and said, "Thanks, I've been looking for this forever, take this," and gave me the exact textbook I needed. I dashed back to the Starbucks and showed my friends. Behold! I knew my Haruhi power! And what's more, I didn't even need the weirdd books my guide was giving me-- I could just give people any old random thing that was useless to me and they would exchange it for something I badly needed.

And that's how I became a true student of Haruhi University.