Help! Overly controlling bf-- (25)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:19 ID:f6mB9Cu8

so the story is that i got myself a bf the other day. he's great and all, but lately he's become really possessive of me. not to mention he dictates everything i do. he even joined my yoga class just so he could keep an eye on me. he'll wash the dishes, clean my shoes, paint my nails. sometimes he'll pick my nose for me, but when i try to return the favour he'll push me away.

i just wanna know is this sort of behaviour normal for couples?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:24 ID:HI8/8+Yy

What did you say he does?? 0_o

No I'd prolly say that behavior, taken to that extreme, is not normal.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:27 ID:JcYqeDvv

If you're having reservations about the matter, it would probably be better if you got out now. Letting things go on like that will just make them worse, and it's most likely something you can't "fix" about him.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:35 ID:ll2MBrEd

leave. run.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:41 ID:Heaven

If you're not joking, get away as fast as possible.

"The other day"? So he did this all in one day? :p

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 02:48 ID:tRfHX2Al

>>1

>>sometimes he'll pick my nose for me, but when i try to return the favour he'll push me away.

UGH, FUCKING NASTY.
I SUGGEST SUICIDE.
CAPS LOCK MAKES WHAT I SAY TRUE.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 03:04 ID:JcYqeDvv

>>6

Yes, and apes should also commit suicide because picking parasites off of each other is "fucking nasty." Please, get a clue. Grooming one another is possibly one of the best ways of expressing closeness.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 04:28 ID:Heaven

He is very, very insecure. The fact that he picks your nose means he very worried that you will leave him. He has problems and you can do nothing to help, infact staying with him can actually worsen the problem. It would be wise to leave him. Be honest about it. Tell him that he is too needy, too close and he should seek some help for his problems.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 04:48 ID:Heaven

"i got myself a bf the other day" and he's already that insecure? Geez. How much do you like this guy anyways?

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 06:25 ID:bgG/KyZ+

Escape. Say you are going to the bathroom, climb out of the window and get on a plane to Mexico.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 07:52 ID:f6mB9Cu8

>>5
yes, the other day. we've known each other for a while now. but our gf/bf status wasn't really official until two weeks ago. namely because i'm a few years younger than him and he was hesitant about what other people might think. i haven't had a proper relationship before this so i'm not really clear on the "formalities".

>>6
it's not like he just plugs his finger up my nose. we'll just be sitting and because he does it quite subtly, the next thing i know he's cleaning out my nose for me. i thought this was a normal practice the first time he did it, so i didn't want to make a fuss about it.

im going to see him in a few hours btw..

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 08:33 ID:Heaven

this thread is full of lol.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 09:09 ID:Heaven

PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLS

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 10:11 ID:Heaven

>>13 is a womenz!!!!

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 10:21 ID:Heaven

>_> tell him you don't like him behaving that way...

you feel you have to break up if he gets on going like this..
he will probably stop ^__^

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 11:01 ID:PMz0Mx68

>namely because i'm a few years younger than him and he was hesitant about what other people might think.

17 and 21?

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 11:06 ID:f6mB9Cu8

well, i'm back from visiting him. it didn't turn out too well. when i got there he had lunch all made up for me. albeit it was only a sandwich, but it made me feel really guilty. i asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with our relationship and he basically told me that i made him the happiest guy alive. i asked him about attending my yoga classes and that, but he basically put it down to "wanting to spend more time with me". he had his hands playing in my hair and because i was so absorbed in the conversation we were having, he sprung me by surprise and before i knew it, he was scratching out my nose again. once he got going i couldn't really stop him because he seemed so normal with the situation and i felt i owed him for all the stuff he usually does for me. all relationships have sacrifices right? perhaps this relationship could work out if i let him pick my nose once in a while. it's okay because it's not in public right? please tell me if i've got this all wrong.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 11:08 ID:f6mB9Cu8

>>16
close :O!
17 and 22 actually..

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 11:48 ID:5eYyXdEC

This is so surreal I have to wonder if it's true.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 13:39 ID:/h/QT/Iw

This is very strange indeed. You need to set up some boundaries with him. If that doesn't work, I would suggest leaving, and being honest about the reasons why or he'll never learn.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 18:42 ID:Heaven

... Uh. No. Just go "I don't like having my nose picked."

Yes, a relationship rquires sacrifices, but they shouldn't be sacrifices that you are hesitating or unwilling to take.

For example, he sacrificed himself to make a sandwich for you and to join your yoga class. But the difference is that he wanted to. And... You don't really want to sacrifice uh.... Having your nose picked by him. So in other words, no. It's not right.

He shouldn't be doing things to you that you don't enjoy.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-17 20:21 ID:PMz0Mx68

>>19
Yeah, me too. And there have been a lot of trolls on 4-ch recently....

>>18
Okay, since I did Dr. Drew-like guessing, let me give a Dr. Drew-like diagnosis:

No, this isn't normal behaviors for couples. But that wouldn't matter much if both of you were okay with it. However, you don't seem to be.

Sounds like he does indeed love you a lot (perhaps too much), and if you actually do love him back, then I recommend Couple Counseling. Healthy relationships are built on mutual consensus, which it doesn't appear that you two currently have.

If you don't really like him and don't like the situation, just go ahead and break it off. It's your life.

A few more questions, if you want to answer them: So you're a junior in high school while he's a junior in college? Or is he in college? How did you meet him, is he a family friend or something? Does he have many other friends? What would you say his main hobby is?

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-18 11:32 ID:FeFVksDl

well the thing is, it's not as uncomfortable as it sounds. like the first time he did it, he totally caught me by surprise (like he usually does) and just whipped out his pinky and slowly eased it in. at first i thought he was rubbing a bit of dirt off or something, but apparently not, so it kind of hurt because i don't usually pick my nose- i wasn't used to the size of his pinky. when he actually got going however, i got used to the feel of his finger moving about and it weirdly felt nice. he just has to find the right spot and then it feels comfortable. the thing i hate about it however is that i sort of know that it's abnormal and it's just the humilation of the whole act. but because like i said before, this is my first real relationship and i want to give something back to him.

couple counselling sounds too confront for me. then i would have to acknowledge that i'm steady with him or something. i know he's had past girlfriends before, but apparently i'm his first (to get my nose picked by him). i am indeed in highschool, he is in college. i guess i'm a little intimidated by the age difference, to confront him directly about anything. that, and he'll probably throw a tantrum or become incredibly depressed (not speak to me for a few days- it's happened before). he has friends, but he's generally a introverted character and spends more time with me than with his mates. he doesn't really have a main hobby, well i guess it would be yoga now. generally an adaptation of mine.

i should probably tell you that i met him through one of his friends (who i don't get to see very often now). he doesn't like it when i mention his friend so yeah. come to think of it, he doesn't like it when i talk about my friends either (who i only get to see at school now).

anyway, now that you've heard my situation, how would you propose that i approach him about his habits? upfront and cause a conflict? or with subtleness?

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-09-18 13:19 ID:21V6KyYP

Why can't you just find comfort with the things he does and the way he is? If there is anything at all I think you should confront him about it's why he pushes you away when you try to "return the favour".

The rest is just bullshit I don't care. Brainwash yourself, whatever. The only thing that will ever make you happy is to resign to a situation, it's a fact. When we start caring about trivial details like they matter much to how we feel, we are just setting ourselfs up for a world of complications and pain. It's all in your fucking mind, and it was stuffed not by your own choice but by a situation you could never impact by own choice. Are you going to let something that could be described as a freak accident stand in the way of your well-being?

It's easier to change your attitude towards nose-picking because it's in your mind, but it's not so easy to change your attitude about love and bonds because it's basic instincts.

Start by fixing yourself if you run into problems, it's likely to turn out the problem was all about you.

25 Name: Mireille guy : 2006-09-19 18:41 ID:9iXPAOql

Leave him. You'll get a better boyfriend. Don't try changing someone into something he/she is not. Either adapt or move.
In other words, girl, you are complaining about stuff you shouldn't. Complain about him not giving you attention, or him being an asshole. Try to direct his obsession into constructive things (be free to use him at your will).

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